feel like giving up - talk to me!

[soleil]

Luvless, I married a man who does the silent treatment, too. If nobody has experienced it they have NO idea how incredibly invalidating and depressing it is. To knowingly ignore someone is soo awful. It's one thing to be upsey after an argument and not talk but when it's something that happens for days, weeks, in a pattern, that is "emotional abuse." It's a ploy for control. The difference with my H and yours ist hat you say yours will still hold your hand at night and kiss you in the morning. When my H does it, he does not have any contact wit he at all: touching, talking, phone calls, text messages, nothing until he's over it and then something snaps in him and he starts talking to me like he never ignored me at all. With my story though, I moved out 2 months ago.
If he is making any effort at all to still have communication with you (hand-holding, kissing) then you have an inkling of something going for you there.
What did you H say when you told him how it makes you feel? Do the silent treatments happen every couple of years or is it often? With my H, it happens about every 2 months. I have it down to a science/clockwork.

[luvless]

We are definately in the same boat here. The holding my hand under the pillow at night is what he does normally. He has not done it since. Don't get me wrong my H will not call or text and definately does not touch if he doesn't have to. I count the days where he doesn't touch me. I've told him about this too as he did it to me for a whole month when I was pregnant with our last son. It was emotionally draining for me at that time and I'm still scarred by it. He seemed genuinely sorry for that but I guess not cuz he's doing it again. I can't imagine doing this every two months I'd leave for sure! I can't take it. This happens about every 3 yrs or so. The problem I have in this Sol is that I TRY. I am mature and I want to talk about things (not in a long drawn out way) but in a "hey...I wanna respect you" you respect me way what's wrong? Maybe he doesn't have the guts to tell me what he's really feeling. Maybe he doesn't love me and hates being here. I don't know anymore!

[soleil]

^ The good thing I see from what you are saying is that it happens every few years, not more often. What does he tell you when you tell him how it makes you feel? I know men and women communicate differently but there has to be some sort of communication. You guys have been together for 23 years so you are/were obviously doing something right. We're together 6, married 3, no kids. I think today you should tell him that you want to do something together this weekend, just the two of you, to spend some time together, and see what he says. Hopefully he'll be up for it and then you guys can go somewhere and have some quality time. Have you thought of doing MC on your own? Just know that you are not alone. I know what it's like to feel like you are invisible at home. Do the kids pick up on it?

[luvless]

Yeah our marriage is actually pretty good in general..not perfect but considering what goes on in others' I believe it is. We have alot in common and we are together alot. He still gets excited to come home and I still am happily waiting for him to come home. He isn't out - he is here with us - doing regular stuff. I like my H when he is himself. He is very accommodating - maybe he resents me for that huh?

When I tell him how it makes me feel he says he's sorry but, "it's his way" of dealing with stuff. I tell him that's not healthy and you should work on changing that. I tell him I feel invisible and ignored. He says, "I just wanna relax" and veg out in front of the tv. I'm totally ok with that - again I think I'm a good understanding wife but come on! days on end? NO I am not a piece of furniture and I am not here for you when you "want" me...that's not how it works and I've told him just like that.

Yeah my kids are older they know when we are fighting. We aren't cuddling or talking to each other so they definately know. My kids tell me they think their dad is a jerk - nice huh? The way he talks is just demeaning sometimes/his tone can be very bad.

We did hang out together Thurs-Sun. We shopped and did the days like usual but without any affection - it was all very civil on both sides. I resented every moment of being left to feel alone when we were together. He thought see? we spent all weekend together shopping etc - he thought it was good?

I want to disconnect so bad but I'm trying.

[4luv]

This was my husband too...its called passive-aggressive. Its like they are saying your feelings don't matter. Check out this articel....i know that it described my hubby to a tee!!!

http://www.gettinbetter.com/dirtywork.html

[brownidmom]

(((Luv)))

Sounds like you and I are dealing with many of the same things in our M. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. It sucks, I know.

One thing that I was thinking while reading through your entire sitch is "how can she say he is a good guy and then describe the horrible things he does to her, ie. ignore her, be emotionally unavailable"? Then it hit me that we are both doing the same thing. We love our H, despite their selfish, ridiculous tendencies and choices to be emotionally abusive.

We have to keep on keepin on for ourselves and our kids. Just keep your chin up and know you are not alone in this.

I will add you to my prayers because feeling alone in your marriage is a very difficult thing to handle, day in and day out, or year in and year out in my case.

I'll keep checking in on you.

bim

[Gnosis]

Hey ladies, I'm still here, but I'm doing my P/Agr thing today and ignoring you...

... NOT. Just got some things to think through. And L, I'm still with your H.

Let me cool down a bit before I respond. (just like you should be doing my dear... i.e. working on you)

[luvless]

(((bid)))

that made me cry...to think is it true? do I really love a person who treats me this way?

I need to stop thinking for a bit. I spend all my time trying to be a better person and my H doesn't even take a moment to think what I'm going through. He's at work and doesn't give me a minute of his time. I'm dumb.

Thanks my dear G - I understand and will wait patiently for your response.

[brownidmom]

(((bid)))

that made me cry...to think is it true? do I really love a person who treats me this way?

Sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry. But I understand, sometimes when it is written for you in black and white, the things you don't like to admit to yourself, it is overwhelming.

I need to stop thinking for a bit. I spend all my time trying to be a better person and my H doesn't even take a moment to think what I'm going through. He's at work and doesn't give me a minute of his time. I'm dumb.

No, no, no! You are not dumb!!!! As Gnosis said a few posts back, you are a strong, moral, and loving woman. You are all those things! It is just that we think that by being better, we can make them change their minds. It just isn't that easy, hon.

No matter how much we cater, no matter how much we mind our p's and q's, no matter how clean we keep the house, fix the best meals, be the best parent we can be, how much we take care of ourselves- it won't change them. They have to be the ones who want to change and we have to learn to accept that fact, hard as it may be.

While I, and the rest of these great folks on the board, are no substitution for what you are seeking in your marriage, we do get it and will be here if you need us.

I am so sorry for you because I know exactly what you are going through. But please don't allow yourself to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for yourself. Believe me, been there and done that. It will only make things worse.

You should have some free time during the day to get out and do something you enjoy. Find something you like to do and make a standing date with yourself every week to do it. It should make the times at home a bit easier since your outlook will be improved from just having some fun.

(((((Luv)))))

bim

[Bridgestone]

Bridge - I'm not in a physically abusive marriage. My H is just emotionally unavailable to me - always has been. I'm reading and learning...hoping to make changes not just for us but for me. I wish he was doing the same. I've always worked harder it seems. Somedays I wanna give up (most days lately) but I am not a quitter so here I am.

Yep.. this could've have been my post, word for word, February 2007.

Good luck with your work.. I hope you find peace.
Bridge