PLEASE HELP! - About to completely LOSE IT!!!

[aflowergurlie]

Ok, so last night I got a little weak and for some reason today, I can't shake this feeling of guilt inside of me. It is this strange sensation that I did something wrong or that I allowed myself to let my guard down. Ugh.

H didn't come home during the day. I was in the kitchen starting dinner when he got home from work in the evening. We exchanged hi's. H told me a little about work and then went to the office on the computer. I finished making dinner and told him food was ready. I sat at the kitchen bar and ate. Few minutes later H came in and got his plate and started to pull the other barstool around to the other side of the counter to sit and "eat together". I asked him if he had seen a recent tv show. (I NEVER initiate like this, but there was this one funny skit that I KNEW he would just love and laugh at. So I wanted to share it with him.) H responded that he hadn't, so I went to living room to put it on. H followed with his dinner out to living room. I'm about to play the clip and H's phone is texted and he starts texting back. I stop the clip and look straight at him. He looks up and says "Oh, sorry." Closes the phone and puts it underneath him right away.

We watch the tv show clips together and just as I thought, he found it extremely funny. I get up and clean kitchen afterwards. H falls asleep on couch for little while. I went to my bedroom to do some computer work. Heard H leave for the gym a little later.

H gets home from gym and my bedroom door was open. H comes in and asks me if I want to go to the hot tub with him. I hesitate but then decide to go ahead and go. Before we leave, H's phone rings (around regular time for OW to call) and he goes to his bedroom and closes door. Comes back out ready to leave about 5 mins later though. We walk together to the hot tub. When we got there another young couple had just arrived to use hot tub as well. Normally I sit on direct opposite side across from H. This forced me to sit next to him fairly close. H just praddled on about taking his bro riding last weekend and a new friend of his in the hospital that he went to visit last week. I just listened and didn't offer any information on my life at all.

Then, just before we get out of hot tub to leave, H looks at me and says "I have a proposition for you." AFG thinks oh dear god, what now???. H "I want to see if maybe you want to come to the shop and help me on side jobs and I'll pay you if that would help you out right now." AFG a little taken aback because that was NOT what I was expecting at all. AFG replies "Sure, I don't see why not. I'm willing to work for any money right now." and then chuckle to myself inside thinking ok, yeah, i'll work for him and let him pay me to help expedite my moving out. H "Yeah, I was at work til after 1:00am last night working on this side job and could've really used help on it."

Meanwhile, I'm thinking, the detrimental part of even considering this type of arrangement would be the close proximity and amount of time that I would be spending with H. And I think that I would be too vulnerable to my feelings flaring up again or misreading the situation. It could just be an attempt on his part to find someway to spend time with me as well though and still keep OW because I'm sure he could excuse it on the premise that he's trying to help me with money to leave (lol), if he even bothered to tell her.

We walk back to house and H is still musing and laughing on the funny TV shows/clips we watched earlier. Get home and I go to my room. I walk out a little later for a snack and H is in office on his computer and on his phone talking quietly. I was only out there very briefly and then went back to my room, but H never got up to leave to go to his room with his phone call.

Again, it feels like I revisited that old pattern/dynamic where I think H wants a little interaction with me and/or is maybe missing me and I opened the way a little for him by being nice to him, more friendly with him than usual which led to the hot-tub invitation and so on last night.

Oh well. Some days are better than others.