I backtracked in my progress...feeling depressed

[allyg8r]

So Thanksgiving itself wasn't all that hard...I visited my family down in Florida, who are very supportive. They knew I didn't want to talk about "the situation", so we focused on other things. Coming home though...that was a different story. It was really hard to come home to an empty house. H and I had scheduled a "date" for Sunday. I had suggested mini-golf or bowling...something active so we could be somewhat distracted. He had to go into work in the afternoon, so we planned brunch instead. Not a good idea...sitting in a restuarant surrounded by happy families and couples was more than I could take.

I basically pretty much lost it. I wanted to talk about our relationship and I couldn't let it go. My brain kept screaming at me to stop, but my mouth just kept on going. I could tell I was annoying him and pushing him farther away, and yet I persisted. It was like I was possessed. Everything DB just went flying out the window. I did everything I shouldn't do. I cried, I begged, I told him I loved him over and over, I asked for him to give me hope and comfort, I badgered him about when he was coming home. I completely lost all control.

Then to make matters worse, I wrote an emotional e-mail to him that night. And when he stopped by the house after work yesterday to pick up the George Foreman grill, I did it all again. I knew in the moment that what I was doing was counterproductive, that I was erasing all progress I had made. And yet it made no difference to me. The need to try and squeeze some love out of him was far stronger than the DB principles. The look of pity he gave me as he left will be forever etched in my mind.

We have another tentative "date" scheduled for tomorrow night. He may come over for dinner, he may not. I think it may be better to postpone until I know I can get my emotions under control. He's so non-committal right now and it drives me nuts. Or what he says is contradictory. Like yesterday he said we would not be spending Christmas together. I said "So I guess I can assume we won't be back together before the end of the year." and he said "Don't assume that. I don't know."

What do you think? Have I completely ruined it? Am I back at square one? I can't read him at all, other than he's incredibly cold and withdrawn around me. Some things he says/does gives me hope, but then he snatches it away again in the next breath. He doesn't want to give me hope, but he doesn't want to give me hopelessness either. I'm caught in no-man's-land. My parents think he's being cruel.

How do I teach myself patience? All he wants from me is time and space and yet I can't seem to give it. I do want to say that he instigates texts and seeing me more than I do with him. He wants to see me on his terms, which is why he won't commit to dinner with me tomorrow night.