I don't buy that she wants out of the marriage. She still lives wiht you, she's chatty and forthcoming, and she's going to MC. You are right, if you both do the work, there is hope. She will have to look at herself and what she is afraid of in the M and how she can get her needs met - and this may break the ice away from the withdrawn person she has been.
I don't buy that she wants out of the marriage. She still lives wiht you, she's chatty and forthcoming, and she's going to MC. You are right, if you both do the work, there is hope. She will have to look at herself and what she is afraid of in the M and how she can get her needs met - and this may break the ice away from the withdrawn person she has been.
... Something you said awhile back struck a chord with me because my H does the same thing.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
It still strikes me as odd how happy, nice and gracious my W can be around me while, at the same time, want me out of her life. I mean, I understand the whole compartmentalizing thing, but I just don't know how you pull that off.
It puzzles me no end!....and for what it's worth, Jody the DB coach seemed rather confused by this too. H and I have been friendly and caring for each other for the past 9 months, since the ice began melting between us, but H still insisted on instructing his attorney to enter our final D judgment last week. He did this 2 days after he voluntarily spent 3 hours at the house troubleshooting an unlit security light over my patio doors. He continues to dumbfound me.
...
Thanks for the post GoodAttitudeGirl and GIMA,
I have the same recurring confusion - you are definitely not alone in this. My W and I have happy days, work well together, do things as a family, etc. She seems content - and then all of the sudden surprises me with "I don't want to be married because we don't get along, we never have, etc"
There definitely seems to be two lives there - one which is on the surface - happy, content, etc - and another which is inside and unexpressed - unhappy, resentful, blaming.
Your post fits, because my w definitely avoids confrontation until it comes out in some sort of ugly way. (I did the same for most of our M.)
Another book which Coach recommended to me is "Critical Confrontations" and it's counterpart "Critical Conversations". Both talk about how to successfully hold those difficult discussions.
Last edited by Thinker; 12/01/0902:14 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
These actions, critical parents (me at times too), the recurring confusion, getting closer only to say nothing has changed, seem to be key issues in my sitch too. Ill have to look into those books. Thanks for sharing.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Thanks for the comment and book recommendations. I have a GF who has problems with confrontation. Talking with her has given me insight into how my H feels. We decided to do a little book club together to begin talking and figuring these issues out for ourselves so we can hopefully do better next time. Now I have 2 more books to add to our list. Thanks!
Another book which Coach recommended to me is "Critical Confrontations" and it's counterpart "Critical Conversations". Both talk about how to successfully hold those difficult discussions.
Hi All,
Just realized that I mislead you with the titles here - Crucial not Critical
Set up MC for our first appointment in a couple of weeks. Things continue to be pleasant but emotionally lacking between W and I. Just friends. Nothing less, nothing more. Could be worse, much worse.
Have my firm holiday party coming up. W saw invitation in the mail a few weeks ago then mentioned just last week whether I wanted her to go or not. Ok, yes. Will be a bit awkward. But nothing I can't handle.
Then we have a trip to her parents - FIL's birthday. We've done trips to their house before since the bomb, so nothing new there.
W's birthday coming up when we get back.
Didn't help things this morning that W looked especially beautiful this am. Oh well, time to re-focus.
