Yep..the drugs and drinking are definate deal breakers. On Tgiving I felt that same sick feeling I used to feel when he was on something. Don't want to go there again.
Im not even sure the married gf thing is off completely either. I haven't snooped on his email in awhile, but curiosity got the best of me this morning. Yep, there are a ton of emails in the past few weeks from her begging, pleading for him not to pull away and leave her. She said that it seems he could go a week or more at a time without seeing her and think nothing of it. She says he never calls and never says ILY (ok, barf). That last one was Wednesday and she said she will give him the space he needs and sorry he was so miserable. My exh is a cake eater. He wants her there just in case he may need her. When we were married and having issues with OW the counselor told him "you need to end all contact with her. NOTHING. NADA." He couldn't do it. He always had to leave a little crack in the door.
He may be doing this to spend more time with baby. I really don't know his motives. I just hate it.
I don't want to be sucked in either, but honestly it was so nice to hear those words and feel some attention. Haven't had ANY in 18 months!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I suck. I am weakening. I am actually enjoying this. Not good. I know who he is. Why am I letting this happen?
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
LOL No. I just feel myself liking what is happening. I like the attention. I like that he wants to spend time with us. I like feeling like there is hope...but then I remember what a sick person he is. This is horrible!
I just read an email from the married gf. It was very sad really. Literally begging and pleading him to want her again. She needs to give her husband another chance and I so wish I could tell her. Otherwise she will end up in this boat with me.
I have a meeting with the pastor from our church as this coming weekend is babys dedication. I told exh about it but not sure if he will make it (during the day).
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Interesting turn of events for you. However, like you said, I can totally understand not trusting him with drugs and drinking.
Liking the attention I think is normal. Just keep in mind what you know from history and don't rush into it. It sounds like you have a good grip on reality so I don't think you will let things take you back down.
I agree with VD, a discussion abour rehab may not be a bad idea and you can always say for the baby's safety and for his ability to prove he can be a better father and a trustworthy father.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
hey, I totally am not shocked that you are liking this. why wouldn't you?? the person you loved is giving you attention and telling you things that you wanted to hear.
BUT, you have to stay strong, you CANNOT weaken through this. This sitch is in a good spot right now, because it is your H that is weak and he is doing some seeking. You can possibly influence him in the right path, but you need to be consistent and strong.
I do believe your H wants his life back, or A life back, but like VD said, he's into that instant gratification.
When he says things like "I wish we were together" stuff, don't keep saying the same things. Don't use the blame game. He won't hear it, and he'll just end up feeling like you don't understand him and it's all your fault.
Instead, use questions like Michelle uses with us. (just an idea) Maybe say "What do you think you need to do to help get your life back?" Or, "If you were in my shoes, how do you think you would answer that question? what would you tell yourself?" and whatever he says, just listen. don't tell him he's wrong or whatever. use this a a chance to get him thinking. He can't think when people are blaming him. So use this to your advantage.
But you just have to be strong, don't get swept into him, he's got to show you he's changed for at least a year before you should even think about restoring anything. And who knows if that will happen, but this could be a good start to help him figuring things out.
and him cake eating. yes, I agree he is doing that, but I do believe most the time people cake eat because they are scared. they don't want to lose the leash because if something happens and they are left to dry then they still have a hold of the other leash that they can reel in. is it right, of course not, but it's almost like a self-preserving action. Of course there are people out there that purposely use 2 women/2 men at the same time. But in your H's case, he is so messed up emotionally, I believe it is based out of fear. Of course, only God knows his heart though.
hang in there girl! oh, and I'm not so keen on him spending the night either. your gonna have to be careful on that one.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Yep. Not sure which way is up for him. He is feeling the holiday blues without his family. He is the only single one in his group and i imagine its getting old.
Strange thing is he isn't really committing to either side. He isn't saying I will do what it takes nor is he saying I want to be single. He is just kinda floating in limbo, testing to see if the whole 'family thing' is for him.
What is also scary about exh is that even if he was saying he was committed to his M, what happens when he gets bored? Lonely? Sad? Mad? those are the times he usually needs some of that instant gratification.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
He's full of sh**! I just saw something he wrote to married gf a few hours ago telling her he loves her and is thinking about her....that maybe in time things will work out.
What a liar and a loser. How could I believe him again?
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
[/quote]He's full of sh**! I just saw something he wrote to married gf a few hours ago telling her he loves her and is thinking about her....that maybe in time things will work out.
What a liar and a loser. How could I believe him again?[quote]
So2
Cake-eating at it's best! I agree with what ST said. Xh is one messed up dude emotionally and you have to try not to get reeled in.
I would not let him spend the night either, and that is not up to him it's up to you and he needs to know that. It is about boundries. The sitch is also totally different than with your first H.
"How could you believe him" Because you are a loving, giving person who wanted thier M to work.
Hugs So2
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Looks like things are back to what they were. He reverted back last night to the usual 'give baby a kiss' text and nothing since. Guess he got his instant family gratification in the last week and now goes back to being married gf's boyfriend.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
