#67 Cant find my "pieces"

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Maria,
Sorry I missed you, I've been reading along and I was glad you had such a positive weekend, but then.. you've gone over to the darkside since then, lol!! Sorry for the long post ...

The truth is, I am not attracted to him. The truth is that when I think of him naked, I get disgusted thinking of all the things I read from her.

Well you're resentful, hurt and wounded, thats a total turnoff! So do you fancy HIM, but just see him as contaminated? What a shame, he's very handsome! Hey I've met him and I wouldnt kick him out of bed As for what she said he said to her in bed..I now think, what a shame you read all that Maria. BF may have said many things in bed to Helen, because he was a little different with me those first few weeks, but it doesnt MEAN anything. I chose to let it go.

But if I didnt have this info I would be living in a lie thinking she was just an A. She was a lot more than that. She satisfied him in all ways....
it's not just the sexual part. It's that ALSO. They were deeply in love with each other. Remember when you guys said that "she wasnt nothing" as he told me? That's is exactly it. I know she was a lot more than nothing. She was "everything" at a certain point.He cared about her feelings, about her happiness, about her work, about her. She was his woman.

So why isnt he still with her then? If it was so great and she was so fantastic and he was so in love with her? She wasnt great, she was manipulative, overstepped his boundaries and was 'nutsy' as you said. What did he say to you...NOONE knew about her. He had to tell that one work colleague out of necessity and he didnt even tell him the whole truth. She had no status as his gf or his woman, she was NOT publicly acknowledged. She met him out of hours.. in CARS, or at his office, they didnt live together? He didnt want her to meet his kids. He doesnt even want to stay friends with her now. What does that tell you? I am still friends with the Piscean and you are with exH1 because that was real love.

this man, decided/felt I wasnt good enough for him, as a woman, as a lover, as a friend, as a person. And now? Now I have to believe that I am?

But he told you when he came back that he NEVER MEANT all those mean things he said during the S? He didnt see you that way. It was just his way to justify his guilt over his actions. BF told me he didnt love me Maria and never kissed or held my hand for 18 months. Now he does every day. Am I wrong to believe him that he now loves me and now I am good enough to kiss and ML to? He wouldnt even tell me where he lived, now he cant bear to be apart all day. Am I wrong to believe I am now 'good enough' to spend time with? Of course you are good enough, he came back didnt he ???

He spent so much time with her, loved her, was crazy about her, he left his kids and me for her. And now?

... and now its over and he came back to YOU and the kids. And he doesnt love her anymore (did he ever really? Did he say that?? Maybe you are confusing real soulmate love with the heady infatuation of affairs) Like millions of men worldwide..he had an A, he's an arse, he messed up, he wants to forget about it now and move on, but you wont allow it because you cant forgive him (not passing judgement on that!).

I cant stand the idea of the comparison. I cant be confident knowing all the things he did with her that he didnt do with me for years.

That isnt about her though is it, really? Its about you and him and as I learnt (and is said on DB).. when you win back a WAS, you get the same R back in many ways, as in any problems that were there before will resurface and have to be dealt with. You know there was a huge issue in this area throughout your M, before he met her. You are focusing on HER and HIM but the issue is what you and him can do to resolve this. Knowing that she was perhaps more 'free' with him than you have been makes it harder to bear, I am sure. You need to communicate and maybe take some responsibility for not resolving this him in the M and allowing the situation to continue. I know he didnt try and resolve it with you either..

But I agree with Kerry and thats exactly how I viewed it.. we both lived with and had sex with other people before we got together in 1999 and that wasnt important then and so isnt now. It doesnt define our R!

I can see me struggling day by day, facing nightmares and images of what has happened, pushing days to pass until I collapse.

I also agree with Lotus.. why are you focusing on THEN? Things change, its a moving target. He's started, enjoyed, regretted and ENDED an A in that time. Can you 'reframe' this future and see yourself laughing, smiling, sharing wonderful times as a family, 'snuggling' with him, sat at dinner with his arm around you, walking hand in hand in Venice.. etc. Tell him.. I want us to recreate new memories to banish the past, please book us a trip to Venice. I told BF.. I want us to go away this February because you were with her last anniversary. He said ok. He hadnt thought of it himself but then his perspective is different to mine and what he needs to get past what he has done is different to what I need.

Yes John, I can be happy alone. But all these politically correct cliches about not needing someone to be happy have a little catch. We can be happy alone, with our kids and family and friends. But being with your SO, takes happiness to another level.

I agree and you dont have to defend this position. Life is MORE fun sharing it with a partner than going it alone. Some people disagree, but they may be Virgos, or Ariens

She was a relationship. She was "one of the greatest loves of his life". She is " a nice person", "a good person as he told me", she "did nothing wrong".

I dont agree she was one of his greatest loves (has he said that?). She probably is a nice person and did nothing wrong Maria. C'mon, he's a decent, intelligent guy you told us, he isnt going to date some pyschopath. Shes not THE ONE though, you are, as he has told you. BF said exactly the same about Helen. Its them being Mr Nice Guy and absolving the guilt THEY feel for messing around another woman when deep down in their soul, their heart belonged to someone else (you).

It seems you keep going round the same ever decreasing circles, as we say in the UK. Groundhog day. I really think you should consider some kind of MC, or individual therapy?

Anyway, Uranus stations direct today, followed by the Full Moon before Uranus moves forwards again after going 'backwards' since July. (Uranus is 'our' ruling planet). As Priya said, 'the tides are turning'...

xxx