Hi guys, I know these are destructive thoughts. Jack3b told me not to proceed if I cant forgive. I knew that. It's logical. I want to forgive. I dont think I can anymore.
She was a relationship. She was "one of the greatest loves of his life". She is " a nice person", "a good person as he told me", she "did nothing wrong". They were living "together" for 2 years and another year while he was "reconciling" with me. How can I forget that? Today I feel (these days)I wont be able to get over it.
OK, I 'll try to let it rest now. I dont believe him that they have apsolutely NO CONTACT as he tells me. I think he judges that he would hurt me but I am afarid the little innocent contact will build up to the A again. I will verify if he tells me the truth. I will pay if I have to, but I will find out the truth. K
Hey Maria, Sorry I missed you, I've been reading along and I was glad you had such a positive weekend, but then.. you've gone over to the darkside since then, lol!! Sorry for the long post ...
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The truth is, I am not attracted to him. The truth is that when I think of him naked, I get disgusted thinking of all the things I read from her.
Well you're resentful, hurt and wounded, thats a total turnoff! So do you fancy HIM, but just see him as contaminated? What a shame, he's very handsome! Hey I've met him and I wouldnt kick him out of bed As for what she said he said to her in bed..I now think, what a shame you read all that Maria. BF may have said many things in bed to Helen, because he was a little different with me those first few weeks, but it doesnt MEAN anything. I chose to let it go.
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But if I didnt have this info I would be living in a lie thinking she was just an A. She was a lot more than that. She satisfied him in all ways.... it's not just the sexual part. It's that ALSO. They were deeply in love with each other. Remember when you guys said that "she wasnt nothing" as he told me? That's is exactly it. I know she was a lot more than nothing. She was "everything" at a certain point.He cared about her feelings, about her happiness, about her work, about her. She was his woman.
So why isnt he still with her then? If it was so great and she was so fantastic and he was so in love with her? She wasnt great, she was manipulative, overstepped his boundaries and was 'nutsy' as you said. What did he say to you...NOONE knew about her. He had to tell that one work colleague out of necessity and he didnt even tell him the whole truth. She had no status as his gf or his woman, she was NOT publicly acknowledged. She met him out of hours.. in CARS, or at his office, they didnt live together? He didnt want her to meet his kids. He doesnt even want to stay friends with her now. What does that tell you? I am still friends with the Piscean and you are with exH1 because that was real love.
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this man, decided/felt I wasnt good enough for him, as a woman, as a lover, as a friend, as a person. And now? Now I have to believe that I am?
But he told you when he came back that he NEVER MEANT all those mean things he said during the S? He didnt see you that way. It was just his way to justify his guilt over his actions. BF told me he didnt love me Maria and never kissed or held my hand for 18 months. Now he does every day. Am I wrong to believe him that he now loves me and now I am good enough to kiss and ML to? He wouldnt even tell me where he lived, now he cant bear to be apart all day. Am I wrong to believe I am now 'good enough' to spend time with? Of course you are good enough, he came back didnt he ???
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He spent so much time with her, loved her, was crazy about her, he left his kids and me for her. And now?
... and now its over and he came back to YOU and the kids. And he doesnt love her anymore (did he ever really? Did he say that?? Maybe you are confusing real soulmate love with the heady infatuation of affairs) Like millions of men worldwide..he had an A, he's an arse, he messed up, he wants to forget about it now and move on, but you wont allow it because you cant forgive him (not passing judgement on that!).
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I cant stand the idea of the comparison. I cant be confident knowing all the things he did with her that he didnt do with me for years.
That isnt about her though is it, really? Its about you and him and as I learnt (and is said on DB).. when you win back a WAS, you get the same R back in many ways, as in any problems that were there before will resurface and have to be dealt with. You know there was a huge issue in this area throughout your M, before he met her. You are focusing on HER and HIM but the issue is what you and him can do to resolve this. Knowing that she was perhaps more 'free' with him than you have been makes it harder to bear, I am sure. You need to communicate and maybe take some responsibility for not resolving this him in the M and allowing the situation to continue. I know he didnt try and resolve it with you either..
But I agree with Kerry and thats exactly how I viewed it.. we both lived with and had sex with other people before we got together in 1999 and that wasnt important then and so isnt now. It doesnt define our R!
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I can see me struggling day by day, facing nightmares and images of what has happened, pushing days to pass until I collapse.
I also agree with Lotus.. why are you focusing on THEN? Things change, its a moving target. He's started, enjoyed, regretted and ENDED an A in that time. Can you 'reframe' this future and see yourself laughing, smiling, sharing wonderful times as a family, 'snuggling' with him, sat at dinner with his arm around you, walking hand in hand in Venice.. etc. Tell him.. I want us to recreate new memories to banish the past, please book us a trip to Venice. I told BF.. I want us to go away this February because you were with her last anniversary. He said ok. He hadnt thought of it himself but then his perspective is different to mine and what he needs to get past what he has done is different to what I need.
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Yes John, I can be happy alone. But all these politically correct cliches about not needing someone to be happy have a little catch. We can be happy alone, with our kids and family and friends. But being with your SO, takes happiness to another level.
I agree and you dont have to defend this position. Life is MORE fun sharing it with a partner than going it alone. Some people disagree, but they may be Virgos, or Ariens
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She was a relationship. She was "one of the greatest loves of his life". She is " a nice person", "a good person as he told me", she "did nothing wrong".
I dont agree she was one of his greatest loves (has he said that?). She probably is a nice person and did nothing wrong Maria. C'mon, he's a decent, intelligent guy you told us, he isnt going to date some pyschopath. Shes not THE ONE though, you are, as he has told you. BF said exactly the same about Helen. Its them being Mr Nice Guy and absolving the guilt THEY feel for messing around another woman when deep down in their soul, their heart belonged to someone else (you).
It seems you keep going round the same ever decreasing circles, as we say in the UK. Groundhog day. I really think you should consider some kind of MC, or individual therapy?
Anyway, Uranus stations direct today, followed by the Full Moon before Uranus moves forwards again after going 'backwards' since July. (Uranus is 'our' ruling planet). As Priya said, 'the tides are turning'...
xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Ali, I missed you! Thanks for your post. You sound...logical but my emotions get in the way. And my gut feeling is mumbling something I am trying to listen...
Priya : As Mercury in Sagittarius squares Uranus in Pisces, the truth could come spilling out over the next few days. There could surprising news or information coming our way. If we can open our minds, this could just open us to infinite possibilities. The aspect could spark a genius idea, that gets us moving in a new direction.
And because I am verifying everything, I may have info coming my way in the next couple of days... I couldnt resist. K
Maria, she was NOT a nice person. She knew exactly what she was doing and now the piper has come with the bill. He wants to be with you and you need to focus on that. Stop looking for things to tear you apart and look for things to bring you together.
Things maybe weren't great in your relationship before this happened(I am guessing) and he took the cowards way out and thought everything could be fantastic and different but it wasn't. Affairs are exciting while they are kept away in the dark. They are pretty sleazy by the light of day. I know you are hurt, maybe it is time to work on this issue with just a C and you. I do so want you to be happy.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I don't know you like the others that post to you do, but it seems to me you are grieving the exclusivity of your M having been destroyed and you feel that you were rejected and not good enough.......and now suddenly you are. So what changed within your H that means now you are?.....and why should you be happy he wants you again?
I don't know.......I have problems with the concept of starting a new R from now. I can't forget my M existed before the A; after all that's when my children were conceived etc. Have I been M'd from when we took our original vows in 1986 or since we renewed them? I understand some of the thoughts you are having. I still have them at times and question on odd occasions if I should have stayed with my H. HOWEVER, I look at my children and know they are in a better place for me staying with my H and I know that underneath all that hurt I do love my H. I have never looked at another man like I looked at him.
I have experienced the self same thing where my H did something differently in an intimate moment and I KNEW it was something from 'OW time'. I wanted to be sick. What I did though was make even bigger changes to that side of our life so I wouldn't know in the future. I tried not to have 'routine' intimacy - if that makes sense.
Maria, you need to decide if you want your H or not. I get the feeling you are waiting for some gesture on his part to show his undying love and commitment......and whatever it is you need you are not getting. He may not be capable of doing what you are waiting for - he might not know that it is required. It may be something he can only do in time, (things definitely got easier and much more loving and caring from my H to me as the distance from OW grew - it took a full year before I felt he no longer thought about her or perhaps saw her for what she really was).
Those words you mention in an earlier post that OW said to your H - did he reply in kind? If not, maybe it was just she knew that those things stroked his ego and kept him coming back to her - they were nothing more. Anyone can write such stuff......a bit like a hot romance/ soft porn novel - doesn't make it real.
Things couldn't have been as rosy in their R as you are thinking otherwise your H would not be wanting to return to you. You just need to decide if it's what you want; then if you do want it, commit to the process.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Saffie, Ali, sweet Kat, thanks for posting to me. Saffie you are right. I am waiting for something from him that will make me feel it is worth the effort. And yes, I am grieving about the year he was laying in bed with me, being totally in love with her. I WANT HIM TO TAKE THAT BACK!!! TO UNDO IT! But he cant.
You tell me to decide. I cant. My emotions are changing from the one moment to the other. I read its natural. But it is exhausting. And reading you still have dark thoughts after so long makes me wonder if I could do it? K
As you continue to bravely confront your challenges, bury your comparisons & stuff to the paramour. I am fairly certain you outshine her by plenty. When this starts to happen you could feel pity for her and her indiscretions and hope and pray she is resolving the trouble she was in. Then be done with that line of thought.
Make sure you allowing God's love in. Take the time to love yourself and receive love from others all around you, not just H.
Be well and may many of the Lord's blessings continue to wash over you.
I dont believe him that they have apsolutely NO CONTACT as he tells me.
Hello K,
When I read this quote from you I thought it would be safe to give you my 2 cents.
I think your H’s lack of desire for you is due to remnants of OW that are still with him (Physically, mentally or emotionally) and until these remnants fade you’re gonna be spinning until he can focus on you (or he goes back to her). There are plenty of other people on here who can testify that they have seen their spouse come back and give it a go only to be drawn back to the OP.
So in my opinion (a very simplistic view based on my own experience) there is not a lot you can do until your H completely comes to his senses or he slips up and you catch him out again. Slap me if I'm wrong but thats just my feelings at the moment.
In your current mood what you picked up on was that sometimes I still have dark thoughts. I was being realistic. What you didn't pick up on is that I KNOW I made the right decision. Nothing worth having in this life comes easy.
I was trying to point out to you that maybe you can't draw a line under certain things- that is not the same as not being able to move on.
Perhaps you too have tasted how easy it would be to move on to another R rather than work at the one you had. Maybe your H is further along that road and now knows it is not the path to follow......all R have problems and need working on.....and now he knows that the one he had with you is the one that had real value. You perhaps have not gone far enough along another path to reach that decision. Worth thinking on.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
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As for what she said he said to her in bed..I now think, what a shame you read all that Maria. BF may have said many things in bed to Helen, because he was a little different with me those first few weeks, but it doesnt MEAN anything. I chose to let it go.