It's too hard sometimes

[ClingingToHope]

Every time she says she's "done" I want to say the most hurtful, damaging things to her. I don't want to hear or see that again. I'm about to lose it and do something vicious in response to that.

It's so remarkable that the WAS uses the same language. I got the "I'm done" speech a couple of times this year and then the "I haven't changed my mind" speech a couple times this summer.

I wouldn't have sent the email.

[TooLateForMe]

Some days I feel "done" also. Other days I'm incurably romantic, in the sense that giving up is losing the best part of living. I finally figure out what it means to love someone that much and it can't be worth nothing.

[TooLateForMe]

Asked for an apology re: cutting off contact w/ girls. I won't cater to her b.s. If she's going to play dirty I won't play at all. In other words, no tax money for little miss manipulator. That sounds mean, but I won't be bullied.

[TooLateForMe]

Got a positive response and the one I asked for. W tried to insert some R talk, not understanding why I'm not ready to give in to D. I just said she wouldn't understand and left it at that and that sometimes I do just wish it were over and done w/.

She admitted to getting virtually no sleep for almost the last year. I worry that this is affecting her judgment. Some light banter that was good and bad in that it reminded me too much of the past. We got cut off by bad reception and I texted that I had to get to bed even though she wanted me to call her back.

[TooLateForMe]

Spending time around my parents has been an education.

I've been a sullen, grumpy person. I need to work on becoming a genial, passionate person. I have to fight the urge to frown at the world. It's become a mask.

I will smile in the face of difficulty and give everyone a positive, confident attitude.

I need to remember this and every day tell myself to give that vibe.

If I want something I have to ask and no longer pull passive-aggressive attitudes.

These negative patterns were learned through growing up around aggressive, difficult-to-approach parents. While I'm here, I have to relearn how to approach the world. It will be challenging, but the payoff will be worth it.

[bluerain]

I think that these are the times when we become better people. We see, and really think about what we can do to be healthier and happier when we do this kind of introspection. And its good for us. Its just a shame the events that lead up to us finding a reason to really look at ourselves that way.

Good for you for noticing it about yourself!

[TooLateForMe]

Serious question:

W offered to tell me when she slept w/ or fell for another guy. I said I didn't want to know.

I'm working hard at being positive and seeing things in a more realistic way. It would have driven me mad before.

She's going down to New Mexico this weekend to visit a friend (a guy) and I asked is this something I should be worried about. She said no. I'm not sure if she meant it in terms of her being "done" and not needing to tell me or if she was sincere about no chemistry between them.

I'm not that dumb. Stuff happens and I think if it does I want to know. I'll have to deal with that if I want to proceed on a positive, productive path w/ her.

Should I tell her I've changed my mind about wanting to know about her sexual/romantic situation. If so, how would I frame that?

"Please tell me if you (blank) someone..."?

Don't get me wrong, I'm willing to entertain any physical or romantic opportunities on my end. I'm not pretending to be Mr. Chaste, waiting for a reconciliation that may never happen. I don't like it, but if she's sowing her oats, then I'll have to accept that fact and not keep my head in the sand.

And, saying that this is something that affects me may strengthen what little connection we have right now. Not that that's a huge concern, but having that in the back of her mind may be worth something (whatever comes of the situation).

Anyway, how do I say I want that info?

I'm willing to be the semi-secret romantic that keeps the hope alive (pragmatically, of course).

[TooLateForMe]

bump.

Trying to get some input so as to avoid my usual dumb blunders...

[TooLateForMe]

I'll begin drafting my email and post the rough draft to see if anyone can provide some guidance. I'm just tired of putting my foot in my mouth on a regular basis.

I mean, she's either naive to believe I won't suspect something's going to happen or naive that he isn't expecting something. She's driving hundreds of miles to "sleep on his couch" for the weekend. Seriously?

[ClingingToHope]

I'm not sure what advice to give you. I've been checking up on my W to see if there is someone else. She googled a long-lost boyfriend a couple of months ago. She went to the county fair with some guy who is friends with her best friend. Not sure if it was with a group or just them. And there's this other old classmate who has sent her some ingratiating emails -- the kind you'd send if you were trying to get to know someone better.

I asked once -- back in August -- if there was someone else. She said then "what does it matter. I haven't changed my mind" about divorce.

She called the next day to say that there was no one else.

I guess if I were you, I'd want to know if she's seeing someone else. Whether or not she's gone all the way? I don't want to hear that from her mouth. The fact your W is willing to say that to you is probably her just trying to dish out more pain.

As far as entertaining other interests personally. Lots of people will tell you not to if you really want to get back together.

I've had others tell me there WAS didn't really start to reconsider things until they realized they might lose you to someone else.

Personally, I've gone out in groups with a lady I would be interested in if I had a final decision from W. The possible other lady asked point blank if I was done with my W and I said no.

That was the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and a lot of my weekends for the next couple of months are filled with a second job so there's really no chance for me to pursue anything right now anyway.

I consider that a blessing because part of me feels like I should be more patient on my W. There are some small signs that her fog may be lifting -- very small.

In your case, she's pretty out there about wanting someone else and that would just tear me up. At least my W was being discreet. In your case, if you find someone, why not.