Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[bluerain]

It may not seem like it right now, but no matter what happens in your M, things will get better, and you and your kids will be ok.

Im sorry that its a struggle right now, we have all been there, and we all know how hard it is.

[SoldierDad]

bluerain, I hope you are right. It felt good to do those things, but now that she has spewed her venom, I don't feel so good. I hope that this was the right decision, considering how close I am to going home for my R & R. I can only imagine the he!! she is going to put me through for the 2 weeks I am home. This stuff sucks. I am concentrating on my boys, but I have a funny feeling, she is going to try to sabotage that effort...

[bluerain]

Dont let her, stay calm and confident. I still think that a digital recorder is a good idea to keep in your pocket. If the situation starts to deteriorate, get out of there. Go for a drive, go for a run, ask her to leave.

If you tell one of your boys that they cant take the truck, and they throw a fit about it, slam doors, say they hate you, do you take it personally? No, you realize that they are just reacting to you being firm and standing your ground. Shes doing the same thing, but shes your equal, and shes got different stakes than the kids, so shes going to try to push you away, and if you wont let her, shes going to try to make you hate her so that you are the one who wants out. Shell tell you that your marriage was a mistake, and that shes not sure that she ever really loved you, you got married for the wrong reasons, Ill always love you, but Im not in love with you, and all of the other lines that we have all heard 1000 times. Its all expected behavior. You have to decide what you are willing to go through, and be firm and consistent with your boundaries. She will figure out that shes making a terrible choice (they always do), and when that happens, you need to figure out where you will be.

My ex has been miserable, very guilty and ashamed since he left. He has some major regrets, and I think that thats true of most WAS. Maybe they dont always come back, but they do realize what a terrible choice they made.

A woman who doesnt allow her sons to see their father when he is home only for a few weeks before heading back to war isnt going to look very good. And is a lousy mom!

I always think about how them showing their evil side really does make it easier to detach! Maybe when you are home you should go around and take photos of all of your valuable things, the harley, any guns, the truck. That way you will have a record of their condition if she tries to mess with them.

[SoldierDad]

bluerain,

this is all great advice. This board has helped me arm myself for almost any situation she throws at me. I am learning more and more, each day. The support that all of us get her is invaluable in our lives. I know she is in a fog right now, but to see this side of her, is tearing me up. Actually I dread any contact with her right now, as I am unsure of what evil, hateful things she might say or do. I agree about her using my boys for her own vengeance, it IS horrible. I think that she might take a step back and start to look a what she is doing-but then again, I might be wrong. I also, think that me changing the account stuff might diminish the chances of my PI of finding anything, as she doesn't have the means to go out now. It is just so much to absorb, and process right now.

[SoldierDad]

Well the spew began early this morning. She e-mailed me and told me she had contacted my rear det chain of command, and they told her that I had to give her my BAH (they were partly right). Well I already told my chain of command here, and researched what I had to give her, which is nothing because I pay the mortgage. I e-mailed her back with the regulation, page number etc. She simply wrote back - ok noted. I am so concerned about what she is up to/planning to hurt me. I am thinking I should of waited to do all of this until after I got back from R & R, because now she is going to be evil and vindictive in everything she does from here on out.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

SD,

Yes, that would have been preferable, but in the state of mind she is in right now (even BEFORE these latest moves), that simply wouldn't have been wise. You needed to protect yourself.

I e-mailed her back with the regulation, page number etc. She simply wrote back - ok noted.

Hmmm; sounds like she's DBing.

You'd be wise to do the same.

Puppy

[SoldierDad]

Puppy, I am doing everything I can to keep my sanity right now. Being deployed and having to go through this crap, is just not cool. I know i can't control what she does, or to what, but it is literally eating away at me not knowing what she is planning to do. Because if I know my W, like I know my W, she is doing everything she can think of, to hurt me. Also, I am quite sure she is getting advice from someone. I really feel out of control right now, and have got to see the silver lining in all of this. There is so much emotion and wreckage that are going to be left over after all of this. How does one recover and heal from all of this? What is the HE!! is she thinking right now???...

[Coach]

So she reacted just like we expected!

It really was classic. Expect more of it.

I am thinking I should of waited to do all of this until after I got back from R & R, because now she is going to be evil and vindictive in everything she does from here on out.

Stay focused, fight's on and we need to think clearly. So what if she get's vindictive or evil, how's that change how you handle things?

You need to keep you chain of command up to speed so they can have your back. Notice how she "thinks" she knows things, a few facts ruin her agruments. Great job not taking any bait. She can't handle you if you stay in control of yourself, focused, wise and confident.

Cheers

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Also, I am quite sure she is getting advice from someone.

If this is the same rocket scientist genius who told her to put threats to you IN WRITING, then I'd say that's a "plus" for us, not a minus!

Her "advice" is likely coming from a boyfriend or an enabling girlfriend. I wouldn't worry too much about either, based on the tactics she's used so far. Seriously.

Puppy

[SoldierDad]

Puppy, Coach, you guys are so right. I am worried/concerned about my time there on R & R, even though I have no control at all over what she does to sabotage it. That is one of the parts I feel so out of control of. I'm really not worried about her threats, as I have repeatedly shot them down with facts. I am just getting concerned now at her silence, and for what she is going to do to hurt me. Any ideas on what she might do next in all of this? I know they follow a pattern, but is she doing everything that others have done-up to this point? She clearly is NOT the woman I fell in love with, or had kids with. She really is alien to me right now. This all feels backwards as to what I have been taught/society's rules on how to deal with this stuff. I gotta get my mind right, and hopefully the rest will follow close behind.