"So I "lead" last night that he came over to stay because it was my D's nameday. He pulled away and I asked him "so, you are not sexually attracted to me at all?"."
Why does him pulling away mean he is "not attracted"? Why does your mind jump to that thought? "See.. I did something.. and yet again he let me down" (That was in my best Kalni voice)
What if you would have said.. "Ok.. just rub my feet" "Feet" in that sentence could be many words.
"I know how a man responds and is when he wnats a woman sexually. He is no where close to that."
Slow down, and understand why. This is not a race.
"I got angry because he missed his appointment at the doctor on the 20th and he had to reschedule for the 7th. That doesnt sound like he was looking forward to spend "time" with me. He doesnt care."
Maybe.. he had to shake hands with someone important. Just a thought.
"This IS a dealbreaker for me. Because it affects me deeply."
OK.. I believe you.
"He spent years before the bomb telling me he was just not that interested in sex"
You need to figure out if this is "different".
"I was giving but not to him at that time."
You miss the point. The thought's you had.. the way you acted.. the way you said things.. during that time is what evoked a response. You became "attractive" because you had someone "fueling" you. That is what you need to "blend" in.
"We snuggled and slept together."
Everything before that was good.. and that is progress.
As a suggestion.. since you like to write things down. A good reporter need a calendar. Maybe "it" looks like the one I have seen. The trick would be to write things in random places as a reminder. (I looked high and low in mine and found nothing!) Be creative.. maybe write on a page (pick one) "I thought about you today.. are you thinking of me?" Spend some time with this.. and come up with lots of tricky ideas. Never tell him what to do.. but make suggestions. Draw some pictures.. I heard you could do that. If you are really crafty you could do one on the computer... and really personalize it. Last I checked.. there is a new year coming.
As a side note I was just messing with you KerryK.
I am still married. Not to the same person I was married too though. Truth be told I am still not sure I like her as much as I used to. This year has been.. well just "crazy" and has flown by. My job has been "cut back" but I still have a job. She is working full time now and likes her job. We have a lot of things that were "over our heads" from having been "bombed". Money, communication, sex drive, etc. One of the big things that she has always said is that "I hate you putting our story out there." To me that means that she does not want me to do that. Hence my lack of a thread. Well.. my "story" lies in the postings I make here. While they are not in my own thread they are still easily read. I walk thru many of the same things that the people I post to do. I have overcome some of those things just by simple typing out why the "poster" is failing. My 2nd Grandfather passed away about 3 weeks ago. My Grandmother (his wife) has Dementia/Alzheimer's. So basically I lost that entire "family". In the end of all that.. some great things happened. Some of the things that were "over" our heads were removed. A big part of that is that my Grandfather was "well off". Some of the conversations that me and my wife had about the "fate" of my Grandmother (she can't care for herself) opened up some of the communication. I am a "big picture" kinda guy.. my wife is "emotional". So.. with that said.. I am living my life with my wife. And at the end of the day.. she chose to be here. I am 100% ok with that.. no matter what.. tomorrow brings.
I was at the hospital.. and GP was on medication to keep him alive. My GM and me went into the room (she had no idea who we were there to see). When she saw him she went right over too him and covered him up or "tucked" him in. She sat down next to him and was rubbing his hand. She looked at him and said do you know who I am? He said.. "Of course, you are my "babe".. you are my wife. She said.. "Yes.. I am.. and I always have been." The irony in that is that my GP was a "cheating bastard". So the moral of that story is..
Does not matter what has happened.
What matter's is who you choose to be.
I have rambled on long enough. Please respect that this is Kalni's thread. Even though I know she would not mind.
Now..
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I was thinking why I want to engage in sexual activity with my x stbxH. The truth is, I am not attracted to him. The truth is that when I think of him naked, I get disgusted thinking of all the things I read from her. I know the word disgusted is strong but it is the closest I can think of in English to what I am thinking. All those emails decribing how he ... while she was doing him, her words "if what you whisper to me while we make love are true then I dont think it is possible for you to live with any other woman, but me", or "I am thrilled to make you go crazy when we make love" or "I want you to ...me and then..." etc etc. Too much info? Maybe. But if I didnt have this info I would be living in a lie thinking she was just an A. She was a lot more than that. She satisfied him in all ways.
Like it or not, this man, decided/felt I wasnt good enough for him, as a woman, as a lover, as a friend, as a person. And now? Now I have to believe that I am?
I may want to "try" sex with him to see how I will feel. It's been so long. We tried once and I remember he did something that was so out of "us" but he seemed really comfortable with it. Nothing big, a small change in the repertoire, which completely ruined evrything cause I sensed it was something he did with someone else. And we stopped, never went thru with it, I actually told him I felt nothing... I am talking months ago, before I had confirmed everything.
He spent so much time with her, loved her, was crazy about her, he left his kids and me for her. And now?
How will I be able to function? I am thinking I wont be able to ask for anything being afraid that it may remind him of her. I cant stand the idea of the comparison. I cant be confident knowing all the things he did with her that he didnt do with me for years.
Christmas is approaching and I am getting the urge to disappear away from him and what hurts me. Right when I "forget" myself, like this last weekend, a new wave of pain is coming thru me and completely throws me off balance. Today I tried to imagine how things could be in 2 years, lets assume we make it by then. I was trying to be positive and identify a goal that is away from the hurt. The emotions I got from this "exercise" were all bad. I cant imagine trusting him. I cant imagine ever being HAPPY with him. Plain happy. With no "ifs" and "buts" etc etc Feeling secure and safe as his wife. I can see me struggling day by day, facing nightmares and images of what has happened, pushing days to pass until I collapse.
<<She satisfied him in all ways.>> Evidently not...ALL.....ways.
<<Now I have to believe that I am?>> If you do not, this (back and forth) will never end.....
<<I cant imagine ever being HAPPY with him>> I understand what you are saying .... I don't want to sound clicheish ... but you can not rely on him to be happy. Sure he can contribute to your happinees as do all those in your life.
I guess the question I have is will you be happier without him???
I dont know what to say. I suppose you could take the view of the fact that most people have had sexual relationships with others before getting married and that their marriage partner did not hold that against them. You could look at your relationship with your H as a brand new now and just consider the sexual relationship with the OW as one that was before your new marriage.
Do you have scheduled goals and objectives? There comes a point where your obsessing over his past indescretions needs to end either in your mind or by you quitting on trying to piece your marriage back to a point where both of you are content.
My friends..., it's not just the sexual part. It's that ALSO. They were deeply in love with each other. Remember when you guys said that "she wasnt nothing" as he told me? That's is exactly it. I know she was a lot more than nothing. She was "everything" at a certain point.He cared about her feelings, about her happiness, about her work, about her. She was his woman.
This weekend we drove in his car (which ironically is my little Audi, the one he he helped me buy) and I was thinking, she was sitting in that car all those nights, where I was this Sat, in MY car, giving him BJs probably (not Bbjs-LOL!!)...
Yes John, I can be happy alone. But all these politically correct cliches about not needing someone to be happy have a little catch. We can be happy alone, with our kids and family and friends. But being with your SO, takes happiness to another level.
Kerry, I dont have set goals about when to "finish" it in my head. Maybe I should. I dont think it is feasible. I think the only way my mind would stop wandering so much, would be if I felt loved and loving. You know, positive emotions replacing negative ones.
We tried once and I remember he did something that was so out of "us" but he seemed really comfortable with it. Nothing big, a small change in the repertoire, which completely ruined evrything cause I sensed it was something he did with someone else.
Reminds me of the chocolate cake scene in The Family Man with Nicholas Cage. Yes..it's sad. They go out and find pleasure in another person, then, try things they like with other people to see if it 'fits' back in the old sitch....to try and retest the waters.
Don't force the intimacy. It sounds like it feels awkward now. Don't push it. Let it happen naturally if it will. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
You are letting these thoughts take over your mind. These are terrible, destructive thoughts. You will do better if you think about how he left her, left all that she meant to him, for you. You are the most important one. You and the kids are what he wants. Focus on this thought. Sell the car if you have to, but stop giving in to those depressing thoughts!
"But if I didnt have this info I would be living in a lie thinking she was just an A."
Funny how you worded that. Truth be told that was the most important thing you said. A "affair" is exactly what it should be. It is a grand thing. It makes every one happy.. and people have a glorious time at an "affair". Now you have seen the "pictures" and the "gossip talk".
Where does that leave "you"?
Why do the "pictures" and "gossip talk" really effect things?
"He spent so much time with her, loved her, was crazy about her, he left his kids and me for her. And now?"
What would you expect me to say. You are right.. he does not deserve you. Quit right now Maria. You deserve better. You need better. You desire better.
"How will I be able to function?"
Really? You can't function? You are gonna de-friend me on FB?
Its a choice.. and you can't go at it half ass.
"Christmas is approaching and I am getting the urge to disappear away from him and what hurts me."
Someone once said.. do something different.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
