I haven't posted much in awhile but have been keeping up with your sitch. I want you to know that I have REALLY appreciated the way you share your masculine perspective, as do the men who correspond with you. That sharing by you men has really helped to keep me from falling prey to the old "us" vs. "them" (war of the sexes) mentality. That is a precious gift to many of us confused women on this blog. Thank you.
Given your high praise of the Seligman book I think I will have no choice but to pick it up.
Something you said awhile back struck a chord with me because my H does the same thing.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
It still strikes me as odd how happy, nice and gracious my W can be around me while, at the same time, want me out of her life. I mean, I understand the whole compartmentalizing thing, but I just don't know how you pull that off.
It puzzles me no end!....and for what it's worth, Jody the DB coach seemed rather confused by this too. H and I have been friendly and caring for each other for the past 9 months, since the ice began melting between us, but H still insisted on instructing his attorney to enter our final D judgment last week. He did this 2 days after he voluntarily spent 3 hours at the house troubleshooting an unlit security light over my patio doors. He continues to dumbfound me.
I found this text on a website (www.gettinbetter.com/articles.html) posted on another DB blog and it seems to fit my H.You said awhile back that your W grew up in a critical household. Thought you might want to consider the possibility that it might help to explain your W's behavior (described above). Sorry it's a bit long, but hope you find it helpful.....
"Q. Dear Shari, confrontation makes me extremely uncomfortable. Whether I need to ask for something at work or express myself in relationships, I avoid it any way I can. This difficulty has caused me to leave jobs (prematurely) or distance myself from valued friendships. I don't understand why this is so hard for me, but it's always been this way. I've considered assertiveness training, but I'm a little nervous about what's involved in that, and I'm not sure it'll even be helpful. I tend to keep my feelings bottled up, but I occasionally explode when something or someone pisses me off--and often, my reactions seem more intense than what the situation calls for. This makes me feel terrible (and guilty) afterward, as I hate hurting other people's feelings. I also worry that I'll be seen as some kind of 'monster' rather than the nice guy I basically am. Can you help with this, or point me in the right direction?
A. Confrontation is difficult for everyone, unless you've gained some tools (and insights) that help you relate to this issue differently. You eventually "explode," because significant feelings have been swept under the rug, the emotional cost to you is cumulative, and (at some point) you just can't ignore the tension this has built in you anymore! Think of it this way; if a volcano doesn't let off a little steam now and then, it's ultimately going to erupt with destructive force. Major earthquakes are another example of cumulative pressure. As a little boy you were likely made to feel that your feelings didn't matter, and it wasn't safe (emotionally/physically) for you to express yourself or try to get your needs met. It appears you harshly judge your anger, but I think it's appropriate, given this kind of early conditioning. Suppression, or "the conscious intentional exclusion from consciousness of a thought or feeling" (Merriam-Webster Dictionary) results in depression, anxiety/panic issues, passive-aggressive behavior and/or addictions; all of which undermine you and your relationships! My experience in helping people overcome these obstacles is extensive. Assertiveness training can be helpful, but the roots of this problem go considerably deeper, as they're connected to unresolved rage and entitlement issues (not feeling deserving/worthy)."
