Pearl, I have read your posts about trying to be "pleasant" and "ignoring the elephant in the room" when you first found out about your BF OW.
I have to assume, though, that you were still living together? and thus BF was cake-eating and it wasn't doing a whole heck of a lot for your self-esteem?
As my BF moved in with OW, I feel like I am in the classic DB mode of "waiting it out" and 180-ing (and you've seen my trouble with that--having been withdrawn, I want to do 180's that gently express interest in his life).
Did you wind up kicking BF out in order to end cake-eating and start working on yourself?
Trying to catch up on folk's threads and histories so I might learn from those wiser than myself...
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
I am confused. What am I suppose to be doing at this stage?
So I am to GAL, do 180's, and work on me! I really got to figure out HOW to do this. Should I stop the AOS I have been doing?
He has become a little more secretive. Noticed a pswd on his iPodTouch, recently added in the last week. I did have a very small window of opportunity with his cell and was able to check texts and there were none. Scrolled through partial contact list to look for name of OW and found an entry of the first 3 letters of her name. Maybe its her but reverse lookup confirms its a cell #. I should have looked at the call log but I was nervous and thought he would be wondering what was taking me so long to get the dog's leash. Sure enough, an hour later when I got back from the walk, his cell phone was back on his person. Have not had another chance yet.
Any ideas on trying gather intel? No keyloggers.
Have not had an opportunity to search his vehicle either which is provided by his employer. He uses it both for work and personal use.
Will get around to calling the ph# but need to do it from a payphone (do they even exist anymore?) or somewhere not associated to me.
Tomorrow he is going out with "friends from work" to watch the hockey game. This is new. And he wants to go to the mall tomorrow to get a new pair of jeans. I wonder if he will wear one of his new shirts he recently purchased. Hmmm....
And I am really trying hard not to initiate R talk. As in previous R discussions, H says "I am done trying" so then why the hell are you still sticking around if you don't want to work on it? Part of me REALLY wants to say "Make your move and leave already if you are done trying".
Why "no keyloggers"? Not sure what you meant by that.
You can do a reverse lookup on the cellphone by using a service like intelius.com. There is a small fee.
A good keylogger is eBlaster. It's easy to install, virtually undetectable, and you can set it up to send you e-mails, unbeknownst to your husband.
If you have access to his car, you can put a silent, GPS-enabled cellphone in his trunk, hidden. BoostMobile has cheap $40ish phones, and for another $5-$10/mo. you can get a GPS app called MapQuest FindMe, which allows you to track the phone's movement via the web. You can also set it up to send you e-mails when the phone gets within "X yards/miles" from a predetermined location that you give it (such as GF's address, once you find it out).
You can also use a voice-activated recorder (they're about $80, at CircuitCity or BestBuy type store), velcro'd underneath the front seat of his car.
The keylogger on his computer would be the best, as it would capture all of his keystrokes on his computer, including logon/passwords, such as e-mail, which then open up a treasure trove of additional intel.
Any way to get the detailed billing on his cellphone account?
You should check on which of these is legal in your jurisdiction before doing any of this (for example, where I live, the car stuff is perfectly legal so long as I own or co-own the vehicle; same for the computer), and I would also warn you, that it's NOT for the feint of heart! Seeing/hearing raw intel (such as your husband exchanging "ILYs" and talking about sex with his GF) is like a sledgehammer to your chest.
Puppy - I am up in Canada so I don't know what equipment/methods are legal and/or available to me. Guess I got a little researching to do.
I am against keyloggers as H is super computer savvy - I don't know his admin pswds on his computers. Plus, I think most of his email correspondence is via his ipod. (like I mentioned, he now has a pswd on it and I can't figure it out).
I so wish I was still working at my old job b/c I would have access to his cell records. And I would have looked even though it was breach of the company ethics/privacy standards.
Have not had an opportunity to search his vehicle either which is provided by his employer. He uses it both for work and personal use.
Most P.I.s will install gps recorder under car for a week and give you a full report: where, when,duration, etc. Inexpensive, too. I was quoted $100.
Originally Posted By: maple gal
Will get around to calling the ph# but need to do it from a payphone (do they even exist anymore?) or somewhere not associated to me.
http://www.spoofcard.com/ This site lets you call any number and have that phone display any real or phony number that you choose to appear on it. It's a pay service, but they give you a free trial and you're eligible for the free trial every time you visit the site (?) I've used it. It works. I tested it first by calling my cell from my landline and seeing if it displayed the phony # I told it to. It works. Follow directions, it's foolproof.
fwiw
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Do not second guess yourself re: OW. If your gut tells you that's what is going on then that IS what is going on. Your mind will try to talk you out of it but all the signs point to OW and most of us here have heard the "We're just friends" line of bs.
If you need hard proof then follow Puppy's and Gardener's advice. Don't just sit around driving yourself crazy with what ifs. Stop making excuses for why things can't be done. Take action, get back in control of your own life. Trust me, it feels much better knowing that you have some say in what is going on.
Have you read the Dobson book yet? Do it. Keep in mind the man is seriously conservative Christian and he has written a book about tough love.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Quick recap.. Last R talk Oct 18th initiated by me. Still not have confirmed EA/PA with OW. Off and on, I was making an effort to do AOS, ask about his day, say goodnight w/kiss and finally stopped about a week ago as I was getting frustrated. I have been moving toward “not givng a sh!t” attitude. And started thinking I might as well assume full PA without digging for more dirt and wondering what my next step shoud be.
Sun - I went out with DD's during the day to a disney show and then H took us all out for dinner. I was kind of dreading dinner but it went really well. It felt like how we should be as a family – doing stuff together. Mon - I did not talk to H at all. Emailed him re: signing DD up for swim lessons. Tues - he emailed me back “you can talk to me about this you know”. I did not respond back. When he came home from work, conversation was very limited. Definitely, the last 2 days I have made myself unavailable and dissociated myself from H. Wed - check my email this morn to find H has sent email subject title “things”:
I know you would never start this off. I have been waiting to see if you would approach me to talk to me. I knew you wouldn't because it's not in your nature. Well seeings how we don't talk we just email each other to converse, I thought I would write a few things
Considerate Appreciated Interested Devotion
You can't imagine the stress I have looking out for this family. I know you haven't been attracted to me since DD1 was born. You don't have to say it I can see it.
I tried for so long to put it back together after DD1 was born, but I could see we were getting more distant. I was getting depressed and complacent. It took sometime to see things for how they are beause I did think it was just me. I was hoping you would make this humongous attempt since we last talked to show that you are serious, but nothing happened. I even would come upstairs to share the same bed. You don't wake me from the couch any more like you use to. So many things have changed and I sleep downstairs to no avail. I guess we need to decide were we go from here? do we sell the house in spring or summer? Do we live seperate from each other? You upstairs me downstairs? And keep the house? I just don't see either of us compromising
**** H just called as I was writing this... wanted to know if I got his message. Me: you mean your email, yes. H: So do you want to talk about this Me: yup H: Maybe we should talk tonight after the kids go to bed Me: okay ****
So what do I do now? What is my best approach? What does this mean? Advice please! I got to be prepared for tonight.
I'm going to have to recuse myself from this one. Your husband's e-mail sounds like one I could have WRITTEN MYSELF, and it just hits far too close to home for me to even be subjective here.
R2C - Don't think I can avoid the R talk when H comes home tonight. H does not really have the access to check his email at work (construction site) so emailing him back probably won't work. But your input would be greatly appreciated.
Puppy - I understand. Thanks for checking on me anyway.
