For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[courts0818]

Today is Day 4 of my mission to be a consistent buster. lol

Today was good. DD and I went to church. Then, we went to my sister's for another Thanksgving feast. We also picked up some new Christmas decorations. We bought a little pink tree for her bedroom and decorations for it - so cute. : )

Christmas could be sad for me this year, but I'm making the choice to be happy. I'm not focusing on the fact that H is choosing to not spend time with us - of course that hurts! But, instead I'm doing really special things for my DD to make this Christmas happy, special and magical for her - which also makes it good for me.

I'm still doing well. But, it does hurt that tomorrow morning will be 3 days since I've heard from H (since he last texted). The fact that he can just totally blow us off (we haven't seen him since Wednesday and today is Sunday) just shows me that he is in such a fog. How else could he justify in his mind not being around at all for Thanksgving and not being around when all the Christmas decorations are going up and the season is in full swing?

I really wish that he would go back to church. He needs God in his life right now more than he needs anything else.

3 things I'm thankful for today:
1. My church - that "big people" church upstairs is amazing, exciting and relavant and that "little people" church downstairs (Children's Ministry) is just as fantastic for my DD.
2. Dinner at my sister's today - love her and my nephews.
3. That I feel love and excitment in my heart this year for Christmas (and I'm not depressed even though I could be).

[bluerain]

Hi Courtney! Im so glad to read your last few posts. Good for you. I go all out for Christmas, its lots of fun for me! Christmas-y towels, a full sized tree, lots of Martha Stewart type decorations. I love it! And I think that it helps me to be cheery, Dec was a big month in my M, anniversary and when we would take our vacations, so its been a transistion. But I feel good now, I think that now is probably the best winter that I have had since the whole things started!

I like seeing your daily thankfulness posts!

Come on over, Ill fix you a hot buttered rum and you can help me put up lights!

[courts0818]

Hi bluerain,
Awww...I'm happy to know you are excited for Christmas and you are feeling better than ever. Woo Hoo! I'd love to have that buttered rum and put up lights. Together I bet we could out do Clark Grisswald. lol...love that movie.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

1. Everything I got done around the house - all of the Christmas decorations are up and the house is clean. I love having the decorations up and lighting candles - it's so peaceful.

2. Our warm home. It's cold here and I'm so thankful to have a warm, comfortable home.

3. DD's sweet little giggle. I can always get a giggle out out of her when I say goodnight and give her a tickle.

Well, I'll be honest and say IDK what to think about the fact that I haven't seen H in 5 days or heard from him in 3. I'm a little worried about him and I just don't understand how he can live his life this way. I can't even imagine the things that must go through his head in order to justify being away from us and especially DD.

I feel pretty good tonight, but there is a little sadness and anger inside of me. As I was putting up the decorations on the tree, there were ornaments that really touchd my heart - ornaments with our picture and that sort of thing. I made the choice to put them on the tree bc I am thankful for those special times. But, it is a little sad. We have a family pic from 2006 & 2007, but there's no family pic for 2008. : ( And it's not looking like there will be one for 2009. I will continue to take pics with or without him, create memories, make ornaments and pray we will have a family picture in the future.

I'm okay with where I'm at tonight. Like I said above, I have some feelings of sadness and anger. But the big difference is, I'm just FEELING it and NOT reacting to it. I'm not letting my feelings and my emotions control me and that's such a big step for me. I can feel however I want. I just can't participate in those out of control knee jerk reactions - cause we all know I do/say stupid things when I don't stop and think.

I have been consistent since Thanksgiving - no heated words to H, no initiating calls/texts/emails, but I haven't seen him either. I should see him tomorrow - well, we'll see. He typcially visits DD on Tuesdays.

Gotta stay strong - I won't mention his...um...abandonment over Thanksgiving...I will do my best to be chipper ole me, Miss Courtney. I'm going to need to get out of the house so I don't do something stupid.

It's tuff, but God is an Awesome God and He's with me.
Calm, cool, collected, right? lol

[Gardener]

courts,

I have some feelings of sadness and anger. But the big difference is, I'm just FEELING it and NOT reacting to it. I'm not letting my feelings and my emotions control me...

Excellent way to approach it and express it. I like this. And your "three things I'm thankful for today" is a great idea. I may not post mine, but I'm going to start doing this as part of nightly bedtime ritual.
Thanks.

[courts0818]

Day 6

Today I am thankful for:
1. My life
2. My family
3. My faith

I heard such a tragic story today. A 32 year old mother lost her life yesterday. They think she fell asleep on her drive home from an out of town Thanksgiving get together with her family. Her two young sons - her toddler and her baby were in the car. Both sons survived with only scratches. Her husband was not with them - he had come home earlier bc he needed to be back for work. Since hearing this story and reading about it, my heart just aches for this family. In the parking lot at work I called my church to make a prayer request, then I cried for them and I prayed. It is so heartbreaking - it just numbed my body and gave me a much clearer perspective.

Our lives are so fragile. If you've read my previous posts then you've read about my anger, sadness, self-pity and hardness of heart. There were times when I found myself so wrapped up in my broken R that I allowed it to consume me, to ruin my day, to make me very irritable, to make me totally inpatient and stressed out. There were nights when I cried out to God and nights when my crying was so intense that my eyes were still swollen the next morning and I had bad headaches. There were countless nights where I could not sleep or had horrible dreams. There were days when I sat my DD in front of the TV so I could hack into my H's accounts and snoop through anything I could find. And there were also times when I practically begged my H to give me another chance and times when I blatantly ignored him and said the most hurtful things I could think of. My emotions and my actions were all over the place.
I'm so not proud of those things....

I'm not making light of my situation or the pain that we've all felt trying to save our marriages. I fully acknowledge that the pain cuts like a knife and it hurts like hell. I know what it's like to feel as if you are living in a pit of miserable, excruciating pain, sadness and betrayal. I know what it's like to be so incredibly sad and yet extremely enraged at the same time. I know it feels like your heart is being shredded and you feel intense guilt that your children are stuck in the middle.

I know what a roller coaster ride this is...but through it all, I hope we can all find things to be thankful for. I know it can be a daily struggle, but each day that you and I are given, I hope we can make the choice to be thankful for something and hopefully many somethings.

I hope others will push past the pain much sooner than I did and try to focus on the good - bc there is always some good there - maybe it's the roof over your head, the heat in your home, the warm meal you had for dinner, your health, your family, your kids, your job, your vehicle, the clothes you have to wear, your education, your friends, your church, your neighbors, the air you breath, your freedom, the warm shower you took today, your health insurance, even your little cup of coffee or a simple candlelight that helps you to relax...whatever it is...let us all be thankful.

I know the pain is there for you, bc I feel it too. But, I'm really trying to be happy and thankful. I want to see all the blessings that I've been given. We shouldn't allow our sadness and pain to overshadow the good things God has brought into our lives. I know it's easier said than done and it took 13 months of separation for me to finally come to this conclusion. And trust me - it's still not a bed of roses or a day in the park for me. It hurt that 4 days passed without one single call, text or even word from my H (you don't want to know how many times I checked my phone), but I had a choice to make. I could have allowed my anger, sadness and curiosity to consume me and ruin my Thanksgiving, but I didn't. I finally had a small triumph over the pain and my raging emotions and I made the best of my circumstances. I had a good Thanksgving!

And tonight I wanted to put my arms around my H and tell him I love him. That I'm scared of having him walk out the door and never seeing him again, but I have to trust that by pulling back from him, it will miraculously bring him back to me. Without faith, I'm hopeless.

And I need to pray and ask for help - even though I wanted to tell H I loved him tonight, the honest truth is that I wasn't as friendly or nice as I should have been. Even though I didn't say anything negative, I wasn't very warm. I was hurt and annoyed that he's been gone for 6 days and yet tonight when he got here he acted like there was nothing wrong with his absence.

I'm hurting, but the truth is...I'm just thankful he did walk through the door tonight.

I'm liking the person I'm becoming again....

Goodnight and God Bless.

[courts0818]

A couple of things...

First, H, DD, and I were invited to a 1st bday party for our friend's son. The party is on Sunday and I haven't said anything to H. This is one of my really good friends from high school and my H and her H get along really well. I don't think my H is going to go, but should I invite him anyway since the invitation was to the 3 of us? Keep in mind - these friends don't know what's going on with us.

Should I invite him? Not invite him and go without him? IDK. I do NOT want to come across as pursuing! I'm in a good place right now and I don't want to ruin my consistent effort at pulling away from him.

I thought about sending him a simple text like this, "We were invited to ____'s 1st bday party. It's Sunday at 2pm. DD & I are going. If you want to go, we are leaving at 1:45pm."
Thoughts?

Also...I'm having a bit of a challenge knowing how to act when H's at our home. I'm having a hard time finding a balance....not being standoffish/unfriendly and yet not being overly pleasant to the point where it comes across as pursuing. I really struggle with this.

I know how to pull away from him (i.e. not contact him when he's not here), I know how to GAL and do things for myself. But, how do I act around him? I need to show him a fun, upbeat, positive, cheery version of myself...bc that person still exists.

He has said that he felt like he couldn't relax in his own home (I had too many rules and nagged him too much). I want him to be able to relax and be comfortable, so do I just act like everything is A-okay? Like it's fine when he leaves for a handful of days and doesn't contact me at all? Like life is great - even though we are separated?
It's akward bc sometimes we go 1-4 days with no contact at all.

So...
Do I greet him when he comes home? Say goodbye when he leaves? Let him know when dinner's ready? Do I initiate any type of conversation? Do I tell him the things DD did that day?

I'm doing well in other areas and I want to do better with my interactions with him. I'm kinda stuck and could use advice. : )

[courts0818]

So...
Do I greet him when he comes home? Say goodbye when he leaves? Let him know when dinner's ready? Do I initiate any type of conversation? Do I tell him the things DD did that day?

I forgot to add this - Do I try to engage the 3 of in playing with DD - like us all playing catch with a ball or playing a board game? That's a good thing, right?

[courts0818]

Day 7 (Journaling)

Well, I've made it one week! I know that doesn't sound all that impressive, but it's a great start for me. IMO, you have to take this roller coaster ride one day at time otherwise it gets too overwhelming.

I haven't been perfect throughout this week, but I have been pretty darn good! Overall, I've had a positive attitude, I've been getting out of the house, I've been enthusiastic about Christmas, I've been praying and giving thanks, I have not initiated contact with H and I've delayed responding to the few texts he's sent me.

What I could have done better is to be more upbeat around him -
like I posted above, that's an area where I'm still kinda stuck...(going to paste what I wrote above)
Regarding my interactions/communcation with H: Do I just act like everything is A-okay? Like it's fine when he leaves for a handful of days and doesn't contact me at all? Like life is great - even though we are separated? It's akward bc sometimes we go 1-4 days with no contact at all.

Do I greet him when he comes home? Say goodbye when he leaves? Let him know when dinner is ready? Do I initiate any type of conversation? Do I tell him the things DD did that day? Do I try to engage the 3 of us in playing with DD - like us all playing catch with a ball or playing a board game?

The truth is: I'm having a hard time finding a balance....not being standoffish/unfriendly and yet not being overly pleasant to the point where it comes across as pursuing, fake or manipulative. I really struggle with this.

Anyway, 3 things I'm thankful for today:
1. The groceries I bought (and the yummy meals I will turn them into)
2. That I already have 2 things planned for the weekend (going to watch my former cheerleaders and lunch with my former boss)
3. Class - I'm always thankful for educational opportunites and a chance to enhance my job skills

Before I sign off, I did notice H was on his phone a lot tonight - texting or on the internet - not sure which one. No comments from me, but I was wondering. Once I get my DBing communication/interaction skills polished up, it's time to really tackle boundaries.

[bluerain]

I think that your doing great! I think that you would want to treat him with basic courtesy. I wouldnt initiate conversation, I would play games with DD that he could easily join into.

Could you leave the invitation out where he would definately see it? Im not sure if you invited him he would come anyway, but if its his idea hes a little more likely to want to come.

Treat him like the guy you see in the grocery store! Not super friendly, but not nasty and mean either!

[courts0818]

Quick help needed. I'm at work & only have a second. H just sent me this text, "Why did u throw the rest of my $hit in the car?" How do I reply?

I did that on Tuesday night. About 2 months ago I packed up everything he still had in his closet, put it in trash bags and left if for him in the garage. He took everything except a pile of jackets. Well...Tuesday night, I cleaned out the garage and when I saw his jackets still sitting there I didn't say anything to him, I just threw them in the backseat of the car.

I'm not going to respond right away, but when I do, what's an appropriate DBing response?