For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[courts0818]

Hi bluerain,
Awww...I'm happy to know you are excited for Christmas and you are feeling better than ever. Woo Hoo! I'd love to have that buttered rum and put up lights. Together I bet we could out do Clark Grisswald. lol...love that movie.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

1. Everything I got done around the house - all of the Christmas decorations are up and the house is clean. I love having the decorations up and lighting candles - it's so peaceful.

2. Our warm home. It's cold here and I'm so thankful to have a warm, comfortable home.

3. DD's sweet little giggle. I can always get a giggle out out of her when I say goodnight and give her a tickle.

Well, I'll be honest and say IDK what to think about the fact that I haven't seen H in 5 days or heard from him in 3. I'm a little worried about him and I just don't understand how he can live his life this way. I can't even imagine the things that must go through his head in order to justify being away from us and especially DD.

I feel pretty good tonight, but there is a little sadness and anger inside of me. As I was putting up the decorations on the tree, there were ornaments that really touchd my heart - ornaments with our picture and that sort of thing. I made the choice to put them on the tree bc I am thankful for those special times. But, it is a little sad. We have a family pic from 2006 & 2007, but there's no family pic for 2008. : ( And it's not looking like there will be one for 2009. I will continue to take pics with or without him, create memories, make ornaments and pray we will have a family picture in the future.

I'm okay with where I'm at tonight. Like I said above, I have some feelings of sadness and anger. But the big difference is, I'm just FEELING it and NOT reacting to it. I'm not letting my feelings and my emotions control me and that's such a big step for me. I can feel however I want. I just can't participate in those out of control knee jerk reactions - cause we all know I do/say stupid things when I don't stop and think.

I have been consistent since Thanksgiving - no heated words to H, no initiating calls/texts/emails, but I haven't seen him either. I should see him tomorrow - well, we'll see. He typcially visits DD on Tuesdays.

Gotta stay strong - I won't mention his...um...abandonment over Thanksgiving...I will do my best to be chipper ole me, Miss Courtney. I'm going to need to get out of the house so I don't do something stupid.

It's tuff, but God is an Awesome God and He's with me.
Calm, cool, collected, right? lol