feel like giving up - talk to me!

[luvless]

I am not seeing a therapist. We haven't been to marriage counseling in 15 years. It was back then when our pastor (a degreed counselor) told me that I am dealing with a cold cold man. I should have ran then huh?

You are so right G - he HAS sucked the life out of me if you knew me you would be shocked to think I would take this kind of stuff. My friends think my husband is a great guy and they actually think I'm a strong woman who would never put up with this. I don't tell them what I go through.

For you to say what you see in me..and you don't even know me? it took all I had to keep the tears from rolling down my face. Thank you for that..I think my friends would agree with you.

I know I need to focus on myself. To save myself. I know this. I can't explain to you how much your support is helping me.

[Deep]

Hi, I don't know your whole sitch, just thought I would drop in and lend a couple of words of support.

The abuse is indeed appalling. But I think you already know that. He can only dish as much abuse and "suck as much life" out of you as you allow it.

You're buying into his story, his ego, his script. You may not have "everything", but you can very well have everything that matters. And right now, you're focusing on yourself, which is great. You're worth it, and don't let anyone make you feel any different about it.

[luvless]

thanks Deep - your support is very much appreciated.

[TrentC]

I want to make it clear my H is not physically abusive. He has shoved me (when we were younger) when he was drunk and angry at me and once here in our home about 8 yrs ago in an argument. Other than that he does not touch me or is not violent. He is emotionally abusive which is way worse for me!

No, he is also physically abusive. That face-slapping thing was beyond the pale.

The fact that you're lucky that he's only been physical a couple of times (although now it's escalated from the occasional anger-fueled incident to something that's "funny") is just that -- luck. You can't fix or work with an abusive spouse. You can only leave.

I have to say, though, I don't understand this:

I was joking with my son and went to smack him.

Why are you slapping your son? Is it like patty-cake-play slapping? There's a weird dynamic here...

[luvless]

My teenage son was saying something rude and I went to raise my hand at him as to stop. I don't mess with the face - the booty yes (well when they were younger) but the face - NO

[luvless]

this has really got me thinking...

I've put up with this for so long that I've excused his behavior or at least gotten too used to it. It's like G said (he's sucked the life out of me) this is what makes me so MISERABLE.

[Bridgestone]

I am not seeing a therapist.

.... get thee to a therapist.... they will give you somewhere to vent, face-to-face, someone with expertise in how to deal with your specific issues.

If after the first session or two you aren't comfortable.. find another one. It took me 3 to find one I clicked with.

We haven't been to marriage counseling in 15 years.

forget MC for now... based on research, it makes matters with an abuser worse.

It was back then when our pastor (a degreed counselor) told me that I am dealing with a cold cold man. I should have ran then huh?

It is what it is. Having 'hope' for change is not a bad thing.. knowing when change is possible (or not) is what one needs to temper that hope with.

he HAS sucked the life out of me if you knew me you would be shocked to think I would take this kind of stuff. My friends think my husband is a great guy and they actually think I'm a strong woman who would never put up with this. I don't tell them what I go through.

Oh sweetie.. my heart bleeds for you with this one. I so understand that. This is not uncommon in abusive situations at all. To feel like & act like a chameleon. Be one person at work & with friends... be someone totally different in your marriage to keep the peace... it is draining.

You are finding your strength that is present in other situations in your life and recognizing that you want that in all parts (including your M) & won't settle for less & you shouldn't have to.

I know I need to focus on myself. To save myself. I know this.

It's not selfish to save yourself.. it's self preservation.

Something my IC told me early on in my journey.

Self-preservation is the key to self-love;
Self-love is the key to self-acceptance;
Self-acceptance is the key to all relationships.

Keep posting
Peace
Bridge

[luvless]

Bridge - I'm not in a physically abusive marriage. My H is just emotionally unavailable to me - always has been. I'm reading and learning...hoping to make changes not just for us but for me. I wish he was doing the same. I've always worked harder it seems. Somedays I wanna give up (most days lately) but I am not a quitter so here I am.


Thank you so much commenting and giving your opinion. Everyone here has been great.

[soleil]

Bridge - I'm not in a physically abusive marriage. My H is just emotionally unavailable to me - always has been.

That can be just as abusive. When someone withholds their love & affection from you. I am sorry you are going through this. Is he open for counseling now? I'm assuming you have told him repeatedly how he makes me feel?

[luvless]

I know. I actually think it's worse. This is how he punishes me by witholding affection. I hate feeling like a victim..it goes against who I am. Yes I have told him how he makes me feel in every way possible. The nice way, the I can't take it anymore way and the mean way. He works at it and then every couple of years he starts up with his attitude (pompous and rude) distant - maybe some girl at the office puffs him up - who knows. I think he is MLC and maybe near WAH. I don't even know. What is really weird is that we've had a great last 3yrs - I can't believe I missed this one...how did I not see this coming? SCARY