He wants to come home....HELP!

[praying_in_GA]

Oh, he said that if I wanted to make plans for the nights he is going out to let him know and he would cancel his plans and watch the kids.

I don't know how to convey the saddness that has settled over me. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me.

[luvless]

I so hear you. Sometimes I wonder if this kind of treatment of our spouses is ever repairable. How do you forget this rejection? The feeling of always trying and being taken for granted? I will say a prayer for you GA. You are in my thoughts.

Luv

[praying_in_GA]

Thanks Luvless. It is hard to continue to think that this is what I want. It would be so much easier to say screw it, move out, get the divorce and find someone who love ME not the me they want me to become.
I miss feeling wanted, loved, being held close, kissed....I don't know when I will know those things again.

[praying_in_GA]

You know, I don't really want to go out with him tomorrow. He is just filling the space he has availible. Should I put on a happy face and just do it or tell him no thank you and spend the night with the kids?

[Gardener]

Praying,

find someone who love ME not the me they want me to become. I miss feeling wanted, loved, being held close, kissed....I don't know when I will know those things again.

I understand. But you will know them again.

[luvless]

You will - you deserve it and it will come. If you pray God will answer your prayers. It's sometimes not in our time but His. Your time will come.

[SDFoundGirl]

Honey, it's a marathon, not a sprint. From bomb to when I think I could say with 100% certainty that we'd fully recommitted to each other and moved on was three years.

Hear me? THREE years.

Now, the "intense" part was closer to seven months, but that was with hard core DBing.

What I see you doing is relying on your H to make you happy...to fill you up. That's why, when he doesn't act in a way that's pleasing or attentive to you, your PMA goes in the crapper. You have got to get to a space where you make yourself happy, NO MATTER WHAT your H is doing.

It *is* possible. Are you in IC? Go. As much as you can. There are things you need to work on for yourself. Go out, make friends, pick up a hobby, do things that interest you. You might have to fake the funk for a while, but eventually you'll find that you're enjoying life! Even with a long faced alien grumping around the house.

It seemed to me like the more I GAL, the better my PMA, the more Phantom of the Opera my H got. And I just ignored him. Smiled, went out on dates with him when he asked, acted As If.

That summer is one of the HAPPIEST summers I've ever had, and in the midst of my H's full blown (one sided) PMA where I found love letters he'd written and heard her laughing at me, referring to ME as an alien because of my 180s. But I met a lot of people, I saw movies H never wanted to see, I found a local writing group and reignited my interest in writing, I danced around the house in my underwear, I read oodles of books, I turned my bedroom into MY oasis...do you see?

So you've got to stop reacting to your H, stop expecting him to make you happy or sad or whatever. Be happy now. It's YOUR JOB anyway.

SD

[praying_in_GA]

Well, it looks like I will get to take Friday night off work and go out to a bachelorette party with the girls at work. We are going to dinner and then to a club somewhere. I texted H to let him know. He said "Excellent, have fun."

So, I should dress to the nines??

[praying_in_GA]

SD - you are right. He came home and I lost my sense of self. I know I am expecting too much too fast. I love him. I want to spend time with him but the time we spend together is miserable. He is trying not to lead me on and I am trying to show him I love him. It doesn't work well.

I find it is hard for me to go out and do stuff because I always have the kids. Always. My grandparents watch them as much as they can but I really don't have other help. He works 6 days a week from 8-6. When he is at work he is hanging out with the same guys he is going to the bars with. His work is not hard or actually requires the full 10 hours he is there. I asked him if any of his other guys works 6 days a week, he said no. I asked if he could cut back to 5 days a week, he said why?

I got off track. Anyway, my job is hard on me. I work 12 hour nights with no one to watch the kids the day after. I am always sleep deprived. If I want to gout during the day I have to plan it around my 2 hours of sleep I get in the afternoons. Going to dayshift is not an option.

I never thought I would be here, and I thought I was making the most of it. I never realized that by praying he would come home I was creating a whole new set of issues within myself. I have lost the old H and gained this new, less involved one. Adjusting is hard.

Thanks for the words, I will re-read them many times tonight.

[praying_in_GA]

I found this on another thread and wanted to post it here so I can find it easily. I think it is where I need to go with my stitch and hope reading it, along with what SD posted, will keep me on track.

Thinker, I don't think I've ever posted to you before, but I've been reading along and thought I'd comment.

I was where you are. Not all that long ago.

My W was doing, saying a lot of the same things. And because of our financial situation I didn't have much choice in living arrangements, etc for another couple years. My sitch was the definition of Limboland. 6 months after my W's A ended, she still couldn't tell me whether she wanted to try or not.

So I pretty much decided since I didn't have much choice, that I would be the H I wanted to be and if she noticed, great, if she didn't, I'd have nothing to regret when our marriage ended. And I told her this. I told her that I was going to be the best H and Dad the world had ever known and would love her unconditionally until I couldn't do it any more and then I'd cross that bridge when I got there.

It was ironic, that when all this crap was going on, I went to a management systems class for work. And one of the things they taught was the Plan, Do, Check, Adjust method. I thought that might be something I could do in my dealings with W seeing as how she was all over the place with what she wanted from me, day by day.

So I did it. I'd plan what I was going to do, do it, see how she responded and make adjustments if her reaction was negative.

6 months later, she still hadn't made any commitments. But about 4 months after that she told me she loved me, has always loved me and she just didn't know what she was thinking (just this past August).

It's a hard way to do it, but it worked for me. She admits now that she was just so confused one minute to the next that it just took her that long to work it out in her own mind.

Again, it's terribly hard to do, to give and give and give without getting anything in return, but once you start down that path, it get's easier. And GAL while doing it is the key. Fill yourself up with other things, invite your W to join you sometimes. If she joins, great, if she doesn't, her loss.

Hope this helps.

I know this may or may not happen with my stitch but it helps to see a positive outcome when days are going downhill.