DanceQueen, indeed, I totally agree with your about the humorous but true observation that everyone thinks they have a special entitlement to cheat, for whatever reasons. Just like Gov. Sanford, who said it wasn't an affair, rather it was a "love story". Well, it's a love story when it's your affair, and it's a "sordid affair" when it's someone else's affair. Yes, I'm familiar with the logic. So let me get away from the value judgements here and simply state that I was celibate in my marriage for many years before I decided to literally force myself to go outside the marriage. So it's a decision I made, with the full realization there will be consequences of some kind.
And I can also tell you that when my wife and I had a decent sexual relationship, I had to deal with several attractive women who, as they say, literally threw themselves at me. But I insinctively saw it as nothing but trouble, and why would I need more of what I already have at home?
So though you might say anyone who cheats is a cheater without distinction or flavor or degree, I can only respond that I'm very much a one-woman man. But that relationship would have to be sexual. And that's something I told my wife even before we got married. Of course, at the time, she couldn't even imagine, apparently, that she'd lose interest in sex and shut me off, so she was fine with that.
My thinking is simply that, for the moment, divorce is not an option, and celibacy is not an option. And that's why I'm where I am. It's not because of any lack of control over myself, or delusions.
And wording it as squandering my energy to just get a piece of ass... humorous as that sounds, or as pathetic as it sounds, it's still way better than celibacy!! That's the problem! I'd much rather just have a piece of ass than be celibate for 10+ years straight. Let's see, a piece of ass involves a nice woman, some time together, mutual appreciation, sexual excitement, learning about sex, humor, and just plain fun. Doesn't sound bad to me! You're trying to make it sound bad by wording it in a certain way, but it doesn't work for me. It still sounds good.
But honestly, do I feel I have "sunk down" in some way? Yes, and I'm willing to pay the price. I do remember when I had a decent sexual relationship with my wife, I did "look down" on people who cheated. And now I'm one of them. What can I say? It's not cancer, you know, and I've dealt with that in my extended family too. Nothing close to it.
I don't think I will EVER think I made the wrong decision, because I know that thinking that I SHOULD HAVE BEEN CELIBATE FOR 10+ YEARS is just plain baloney. Not a chance. I am not capable of achieving that level of sainthood, so I'm not going to have any regrets about that.
My focus is really on where do I go from here. I'm more practically oriented than you, and I've seen a situation like mine work out with virtually no problems in my extended family (of French origin). I find your agonizing over cheating, DanceQueen, to be very much in line with the way most Americans think. I saw somewhere from a study that Americans cheat just as much as people in south America and Europe, the only difference is that Americans agonzie a lot more over it. And that has certainly been true in my observation.
