If you arent tired reading and if you are a speed reader go get the book, "How to improve your M without talking about it". Dont smoother her, dont offer words to her, BE there. Loosing a parent is heartbreaking, when I thought I was loosing my dad, nothing else mattered. I was numb and devastated. I didnt want anybody stepping on my toes, I wanted to feel there was someone there waiting to catch me if I would fall... When the dust settles, the one "holding" you, shines through any kind of thick fog (excuse my English) K
Thinker, I don't think I've ever posted to you before, but I've been reading along and thought I'd comment.
I was where you are. Not all that long ago.
My W was doing, saying a lot of the same things. And because of our financial situation I didn't have much choice in living arrangements, etc for another couple years. My sitch was the definition of Limboland. 6 months after my W's A ended, she still couldn't tell me whether she wanted to try or not.
So I pretty much decided since I didn't have much choice, that I would be the H I wanted to be and if she noticed, great, if she didn't, I'd have nothing to regret when our marriage ended. And I told her this. I told her that I was going to be the best H and Dad the world had ever known and would love her unconditionally until I couldn't do it any more and then I'd cross that bridge when I got there.
It was ironic, that when all this crap was going on, I went to a management systems class for work. And one of the things they taught was the Plan, Do, Check, Adjust method. I thought that might be something I could do in my dealings with W seeing as how she was all over the place with what she wanted from me, day by day.
So I did it. I'd plan what I was going to do, do it, see how she responded and make adjustments if her reaction was negative.
6 months later, she still hadn't made any commitments. But about 4 months after that she told me she loved me, has always loved me and she just didn't know what she was thinking (just this past August).
It's a hard way to do it, but it worked for me. She admits now that she was just so confused one minute to the next that it just took her that long to work it out in her own mind.
Again, it's terribly hard to do, to give and give and give without getting anything in return, but once you start down that path, it get's easier. And GAL while doing it is the key. Fill yourself up with other things, invite your W to join you sometimes. If she joins, great, if she doesn't, her loss.
Hope this helps.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Be emotionally supportive. Help out a little extra around the house. Don't leave her in a time of need.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I've been cycling back and forth recently from a resentful "This is never going to work, I've tried long enough, I'm done" attitude to a positive attitude that says "Hey, start with a beginners mind and write off the past year. I'm in a better place now than I was, our R is better than it was a year ago (with an active A and lots of emotions) - just recommit to the process and keep going." Input like yours helps me move away from the first and toward the second.
Originally Posted By: Hope4us
...Again, it's terribly hard to do, to give and give and give without getting anything in return, but once you start down that path, it get's easier. And GAL while doing it is the key. Fill yourself up with other things,...
This is exactly what I have been struggling with and working on for the past month. Unconditional giving is easy to say and hard to do. We all human. Need and resentment creep in.
I have now tried to discuss this with two individual IC's and they both have the same reaction -- "Let Go and move on," they each say, "It's time to find someone who loves you"
I think it is time to try a third...
Last edited by Thinker; 11/30/0910:35 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
"Let Go and move on," they each say, "It's time to find someone who loves you"
I don't get how a trained professional can tell you to "find someone who loves you." You need to love yourself and be okay with yourself. Move on, let go, yes. But find someone who loves you implies that it should be top of your list and I disagree whole-heartedly. But then again, what do I know?
I can tell you that right now I don't have H and I don't have my eye on anyone else. And, I am happy on my own. It is an awesome place to be. Doesn't mean I wont ever be with him or someone else, just means that I am good on my own too. Feels very healthy.
I think they must be trained to (or used to) working with people who are so focused on their WAS that the only way to get them stop obsessing is to get them to focus somewhere else.
They don't really say "find someone who loves you" in so many words. They say "Start thinking of and envisioning your future. There are other people out there for you. You will be able to find someone. You don't need to live in a negative relationship. You don't need to live without sex. There are other people out there for you"
It all leads to the same thing...
And the funny thing is that I am not going in there unhappy and obsessive. I have done all of that envisioning and I know what is out there. I know that if the door closes on this R another will open. I'm not worried about it. I am choosing (for now) not to pursue it.
The C today even pushed me on it a bit when I was sitting there next to my W. I stopped him short "Stop!, Why are you pushing us to get divorced when we haven't decided that is what we want ourselves" He apologized and backpedaled a bit.
This does, however, seem to be their standard mode: If a couple comes in who aren't happy and who aren't making steps toward reconciliation, then start working them toward a decision to D.
Both of these people are IC's who venture into MC, not full time MC's. I have yet to find someone who focuses on MC.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
The C today even pushed me on it a bit when I was sitting there next to my W. I stopped him short "Stop!, Why are you pushing us to get divorced when we haven't decided that is what we want ourselves" He apologized and backpedaled a bit.
Man up! Good for you! Even better he apolgized and backpedaled!
Originally Posted By: Thinker
This does, however, seem to be their standard mode: If a couple comes in who aren't happy and who aren't making steps toward reconciliation, then start working them toward a decision to D.
This is it in a nutshell. Blatantly happened in my MC experience.
Originally Posted By: Thinker
Both of these people are IC's who venture into MC, not full time MC's. I have yet to find someone who focuses on MC.
Keep looking. Call The National Association of Social Workers (NASW) in your state.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
the best ice breaker I know is just to look at the person who is not approachable and say, "You look like you need a hug" (whatever that looks like), and then do it. Hug her. She should relax in your arms. That's what a hug does. Eventually you will even figure out what looking like she needs a hug looks like. or maybe not. But do it anyway.
Who I am, affection without hesitations or need for reciprocity.
Today is day 1.
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On another note, here is a question to any women who have been through the loss of a parent:
What kind of support would you have wanted? Please be specific.
Mrs. T is a bit depressed (understandably) - going to bed early, etc. I am available for her to talk to, but she does not do so. When she needs to talk to someone she calls one of her siblings or her girlfriends.
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I spent some time this morning counting out my vacation days and and looking at my project schedule. I called Mrs. T and told her "Any time you want to go back to visit your Mom between now and Christmas, just let me know and then go. I have enough vacation. I'll handle everything here."
She responded "OK, I think I will - just have to finish my christmas shopping first...".
"Even if you are not done with the shopping, you should still go. I'll handle that too."
"Thank You"
We are going to go through the christmas lists tonight so she can feel free to go.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
