Hi CTH, Thanks so much for stopping by. I know many people here have the same dread of getting that letter from the L. I've had better Thanksgivings. But really it would have been much worse if I hadn't been on here~ Back in Aug., H said he wanted to file "ASAP". What he meant was, he wanted me to roll over & do whatever he wanted, which was just agree to everything & do a sep. agrmt. He didnt' speak to me for over a mo., then texted me out of the blue on Halloween (how ironic).
I still don't want the D but know I cannot trust him, & I have to protect myself. I looked at the draft agrmt. & wondered where they got some of this stuff. I knew it would be a waste of time to meet w him beforehand. Anyway, it was upsetting to read but I talked to my L & told her I needed time to absorb. She said let her know end of this week. I dont' know if I'll be ready then either, we'll see! I like my L, but if I need more time I need more time.
CTH, I hope you are doing OK. I will stop by your thread soon. Thanks for your support. You have mine as well!
Now I have another slight dilemma. I have to stay overnight at a retreat for work in 2 weeks. Not sure if I should ask H to stay w the dogs. He should though. I just don't know if I want him here. I trust him even less since I read that sep. agrmt. draft, which DOESN"T reflect our conversation of several weeks ago. It didn't mention the dogs in it! He has so completely checked out.
Oddly, he texted me yesterday, "are you home? I wanted to come over & see the boys (dogs) & pick up some stuff". I was at work when he texted & didn't want to read it. So around 3 hrs. later I replied, "sorry I didn't see this sooner let me know if you are coming by. Nothing after that. I'm at the point now where I DON"T want to hear from him, rare as that is. It just equates with pain. So much damage done I just don't think it can be repaired.
I hope everyone is doing well today. I can use some input if anyone can help. Background: H's L sent sep. agrmt. to my L. Got it last weekend. Has a number of things wrong or left out. My L said we should talk end of this week so she can respond. I dont' think that's enough time given how busy my job is now. I need to pull 401K statements etc. Here's my question:
I emailed H yesterday to ask him to call our cell phone carrier to remove me from plan. (It's a family plan in his name & he had to call in order for me to keep same #). Fine. So today he replys, OK done. Did you get the letter from my L? How should I reply? I want to say, "H, I did receive it & am going to go over w L. I will not be rushed into an agrmt. just to satisfy you." I'm seething, but I am still trying to be civil & DB even though my hope is so so little now. Is that too nasty? I feel I need to set a boundary on his pressuring me but have problems wording it correctly.
BTW, I'm 99.9% sure he's living w OW but still admits zip to me. Thanks for any thoughts here.
H's L sent sep. agrmt. to my L. Got it last weekend. Has a number of things wrong or left out. My L said we should talk end of this week so she can respond.
I emailed H yesterday . . .So today he replys, OK done. Did you get the letter from my L? How should I reply? I want to say, "H, I did receive it & am going to go over w L. I will not be rushed into an agrmt. just to satisfy you." I'm seething, but I am still trying to be civil & DB even though my hope is so so little now. Is that too nasty? I feel I need to set a boundary on his pressuring me but have problems wording it correctly.
I think simplying saying the first part, "I did receive it & am going to go over w L." is sufficient and civil.
I haven't read your thread so I assume there is history of him pressuring you to move things along? His inquiry, by itself, is just an inquiry though. Simply demonstrate that you will not be pressured by taking the time you need. You can best set that boundary by your actions.
I agree with Dudess...short simple and civil. DOnt let the L or your H pressure you. You can only do so much in a day anyway, esp if you have to work etc. Sheesh.
Thanks Dudess & PD, ((((())))) I haven't been on the boards for a while. Work is off the charts (we do a lot of events) so i"ve been working 70 hr. weeks & have 1 more big one next Tues. Then have a couple grant deadlines by Dec. 30th. Don't mean to complain, I know many people would love to have a job. And maybe it's good to be really super busy now, since I don't really want to deal w the holidays. But have done -0- GALing, just work. Not very balanced. I did ask H to watch the dogs last Sun. night when I had to go out of town. When I emailed him Sun. a.m. to confirm he'd watch them, he responded, "Yes I may bring them back here but I'll definitely watch them." "here" being where he's living, OW's house. Which he STILL refuses to address. That upset me a bit, the thought of my boys being over there. But I decided I can't control what H does, no matter how messed up. And the dogs are still partially his responsibility. I returned Monday & they were exhausted, so I'm pretty sure he took them. I debated thanking him, then later evening emailed him a 1 line TY. He replied, "No problem. It was good to spend some time with them and sleep with them." I'm surprised he gave me that much detail. Whatever. I can't make sense of anything he says or does.
I had a minor meltdown the week before, what happened was I got a yr-end bonus at work, totally unexpected. I quickly realized that it would get deposited into our joint checking acct. just like my paychecks, so I asked our office mgr. if they could issue a live check just for the bonus. They did & I put it in my newly opened cking. acct. Oddly I felt a little guilty, although my sister promptly 2 x 4'd me out of it. A few weeks later I get an email from H: "I noticed you stopped depositing your payck into the cking acct. Should I take $$ for mortgage out of savings?" (Savings $ is actually my inheritence money, has been sitting there for a few yrs). This is where my overworking really screwed me up cause I hadn't cked the finances lately, & found my paycheck never was deposited! Yikes! Sure enough, they issued me a live ck for my pay. Meltdown occurred when I tried to do an online deposit (our bank is out of state, usually have direct dep. or just mail deposits). When I couldn't do it I call cust. svc. & the girl told me only H had privileges to do this & I'd need to do under his profile (which I do not have info to do) and he had me entered as his EX SPOUSE in said profile. Meltdown triggered! I was at work & had to shut my door. Just when I feel like there's no way he could hurt me more than he already has and I've already grieved as much as I could, he comes along & annihilates me again. Should I be surprised? Not really. It's amazing how after all this time I can still have such deep grief. That really set it off. I recovered was feeling better by that evening, but today I'm down. I need to get more sleep. I hope everyone is doing well, or at least doing better. I look forward to reading & posting more soon after work calms down as I really need the positive reinforcement & messages I get from others here. This really is something I have to work at, & I really want to be better. Wishing everyone a great week, LFA
Over these long mos. I have had time to think @ my role in this mess, and realize how my actions & inactions contributed. 1 thing I can't yet get my mind around is how he could never never talk to me @ his feelings/pain. And though this hurts so much I can barely let myself think about it, the fact that he ran from me to his friends & now I know i certain "friend" - this hurts more than anything. Perhaps I'm not ready to forgive. My H has stopped talking to me and has initiated legal separation.
I've been thinking I want him to confess to me. I feel disrespected and abused. He must have suffered too. As I said on on MO3's thread, could I have really been that blind or did I need to be a mind reader?
I knew things were far from perfect but I always thought if anything were going that wrong we could work through it. I made the fatal mistake of believing my H could never stray. I wanted to be the "cool" wife, who was never jealous or upset that H was staying out increasingly later & more frequently. And we were talking less and less. And when I tried to talk to him @ R ("pursuing" though I didn't know it then) & he shut down I let him be. I never had the chance to make it up, or even get an explanation from him. Bomb, and within 2 weeks he was gone. I didn't even find this board until almost 2 mos. after that so I really didn't get a chance to DB, in the usual sense. But yet I have learned through others on this board & my DB coach there are still things I can do. And most importantly, the only person, the only thing I have control over is myself. That has always been the case of course but it's like some new concept to me, that I have to keep remembering. I want to thank all of you for sharing on here and helping me through. I'm still looking for answers but thanks to you I'm learning where to look. Peace to all.
I need to give credit where credit is due. My post that you referenced above stemmed from the writings of a WAW, Smartcookie . I just re-interpreted it to what I thought my H may have possibly felt. It was very eye-opening for me too. I was too busy worrying about me to even step outside the box and look at things from his perspective.
I don't know your sitch, but will be catching up on it soon.
Hang in there LFA.
(((hugs)))
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
Hi MO3, Thanks for correcting me. I did read that, but forgot to include in my post. Thanks to Smartcookie for her thoughts! I will look up her post as well. I hope you've dug out from the snow, where I am it's been snowing all day! Thanks for stopping by. LFA
I have just finished your thread. Yes, our ditches are similar. The just walking away, no contact---like I never existed.
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I am working so hard on getting in touch with my anger(instead of just feeling guilty) and detaching.
I would like to continue NC, but we will have to deal with tenants soon and taxes.
I am scared to do the taxes, because it will lead into dicussion about house.
I don't necessarily want the house, but I can't accept him moving OW in. Which means I'm not detached, right?
As I can't use the timeline of divorce to slow things down, I may just have to stand my ground on "I'm not ready" which then shows I haven't GAL and moved on from this heartless jerk! Ooh, look, some anger!
Again--the balance of detaching yet dealing with physical things that need to get sorted out...
You have gained so much wisdom, LFA. I hope I can learn from you.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
