feel like giving up - talk to me!

[Gnosis]

Hi Luv,

I've been holding off and procrastinating on getting back to you. Your H's behavior has brought back a lot of memories and I'm kind of digesting and re-analyzing them. I'd like to give you the best possible way to handle this.

This I can tell you in the meantime:

1) As difficult as this is don't take his behavior as an attack on your personally.

2) In the meantime, give him as much space as you can.

3) As hard as it is, do not criticize, condemn or complain to him about anything -- this INCLUDES body language. e.g. roll-eyes, stomping off...

e.g. your running to your room last night... don't think he didn't notice that... and yes, this counted against you. Please don't do that again. This counts against you.

4) Be cool, calm and collected at all times. Smile.

5) Tell the kids to give him a wide berth.

I hope to give you a looooong explanation soon. I've been racking my mind on how to formulate the words; in a way for you to understand his behavior, based on the answers you gave me.

ALL of this is based on the information that you are certain that there is no OW in the picture. If there is, then all bets are off. An OW/EA requires different 'treatment'.

[luvless]

Thank you so much G. I am willing to listen. I'm trying so hard to be patient. I am building resentment. He goes to bed every night without as much as a goodnight (usually holds my hand under the pillow) I don't know how much more I can take I'm not very good at this. Does he really think this is ok? I have turned into piece of furniture - just here and you walk right past it. Don't get me wrong he talks to me and is being cordial with me but is still distant. We'll see how long I can last. I always say you fight for something good - but is this really good? a spouse who treats you like crap? maybe all of us need to rethink this...

oh...and for OW - I don't think so but I am definately not ruling that out!

[Gnosis]

Hey L, I thought we lost you there. While you were away I posted some background in my thread, followed by a post I called The Four Unholy Words. It may give you an idea of what is going on with him. Let me know what you think in my thread.

I know you're trying L and I can relate to how extremely frustrating this is. Patience is the one of most difficult things we've ever needed to master.

About resentment... yeah... I know. This is because you're not seeing results and you feel whatever you're doing is pushing him further away. For what it's worth, he's feeling the same thing - and both your resentments are escalating and making things worse.

I don't know how much more I can take

Here's something you don't want to hear... "You can take a heck of a lot more."

I'm not very good at this.

Nobody is. We all make mistakes. It's how we learn from them and commit to never repeating them that makes us get better.

Does he really think this is ok?

No, and he knows it. He just isn't sure on how to fix it.

I have turned into piece of furniture - just here and you walk right past it.

No you haven't. He is avoiding you because he fears talking to you will meet with more of your disapproval.

I always say you fight for something good - but is this really good?

Yes it is or else you wouldn't be here.

a spouse who treats you like crap? maybe all of us need to rethink this...

I hear your resentment L and I can't blame you. I'm not going to answer this. People differ with how much they can take and how much they're prepared to put up with... until they snap and can take no more.

[maple]

He comes in and walks by me and says hello to our son and doesn't give me a kiss (even if he is mad he'll kiss me goodbye in a.m and when he comes in) but nothing. It makes me ill how he is disrespecting me.

I know how you feel, my H does the same... I was sitting at the table with one DD on either side, he came over and kissed each of them bye as he was going out for the night and completely ignored me.

He goes to bed every night without as much as a goodnight (usually holds my hand under the pillow) I don't know how much more I can take I'm not very good at this. Does he really think this is ok? I have turned into piece of furniture - just here and you walk right past it.

And once again, same scenario for me too but H pretty much sleeps on the couch or spare room now. But does make the very rare appearance in what I call "my bed" and sleeps hugging the edge of the bed. Not quite sure how he can be comfortable when it looks like he is about to fall out. I now hold back all good night kisses and only say good night if we are in the same room when I decide to go to bed. I was trying to make an effort to say g/nite with a kiss everynight but it left me feeling frustrated and rejected so I have stopped now.

[luvless]

gosh Maple...I'm so sad for you. We are both young couples and look at where we are at? We don't deserve this. I've been praying like crazy for patience and forgiveness because I am building serious resentment. I will keep you in my prayers too.

[luvless]

G - my hero..thank you for the time you are taking to help me. You do sound alot like my husband (I guess most men huh?) Do you know how hard it is to tell a woman she can't "talk" to her husband? hardest thing to think about. It's so sad because that's how women solve their problems. I guess I have to learn a new way but you know...what about him? that is a MAJOR change on my part and what we will he do? I'm supposed to walk on eggshells when something is bothering me? it just sounds crazy. I am no crazy chase the husband with the broom kinda wife either..I always say in a nice tone - I'd like to talk about somethings or can we talk about some things? I agree with the "you're in big trouble mr." its just wrong and I don't wanna be associated with that!! I don't even know how to respond G - I'm really confused at this point - feeling defeated and ready to give up. This is what I have to look forward to? a silent life with my H - can't talk about anything cuz he can't take it? oh gawd help me. I am going back and forth so I'll stop now. I need to collect my thoughts - I wish I had the guts to walk out!

[Gnosis]

G - my hero..thank you for the time you are taking to help me.

You're welcome.

Do you know how hard it is to tell a woman she can't "talk" to her husband?

Ahem... well... nope... I'm not a woman

But I can relate... because if there's one thing women like to do (besides shopping) it's talk for hours on end. So not being able to talk is probably as painful as kicking a guy in the nuts.

hardest thing to think about. It's so sad because that's how women solve their problems.

I KNOW.

I guess I have to learn a new way but you know...what about him?

There's a biblical quote that goes something along the lines of: first remove the splinter in your own eye before you remove the plank in your brother's eye. Let's take care of you first OK? After that I'll share some suggestions on how to help him.

that is a MAJOR change on my part and what we will he do?

Nothing... at first... because he won't believe it. As he feels the pressure easing off him he'll start coming back - this isn't an overnight fix.

I'm supposed to walk on eggshells when something is bothering me?

If it's about him, sorry, yes. This is why GAL is so important. You do it for you. This keeps your mind distracted.

it just sounds crazy. I am no crazy chase the husband with the broom kinda wife either..

ROFL. I didn't think you were. Thanks for the crazy smile you just put on my face.

I always say in a nice tone - I'd like to talk about somethings or can we talk about some things?

Honey, for your own good... STOP TALKING. For now. Give the guy a breather. Trust me, he knows. This has built up over the years to the point where at the mere sound of your voice gets him agitated and raises his barriers.

I don't even know how to respond G - I'm really confused at this point - feeling defeated and ready to give up.

Well, I'm not giving up on you. You can do this. It's going to be new for you... and for him. Give him some time

This is what I have to look forward to? a silent life with my H - can't talk about anything cuz he can't take it?

No, you can look forward to building a bridge in the gap that your marriage is currently in - one brick at a time. Right now he can't take it because in the past you have flooded him with TMI. His brain has been programmed to expect pressure and a confusing list of demands from you the minute you open your mouth.

Keep posting here what you want to talk to him about - BEFORE doing it... people here will help you. Just keep coming here first.

oh gawd help me.

Did it ever cross your mind that maybe He is? What do you think you're doing on this board? Whining? IF you were... I wouldn't respond to you.

I am going back and forth so I'll stop now. I need to collect my thoughts

Good because you need a plan. I'm prepared to help. Others are too.

I wish I had the guts to walk out!

I'm glad you don't. There... I said it.

[PainfulDusk]

(((luvless)))

Was checking in on you. I know this is hard but youre doing fine. The resentment...well, it takes a while for that to fade. Im a little further in my sitch and I still get my little moments, but they are just that...moments.

Definitely dont do anything until you have vented( do that a lot btw) or posted about it. These guys are great and the support here is just that..support. Remember that this didnt happen in just a few weeks, and it will take time. Stay busy and stay distracted. Dont run!!! Just be busy. Huge difference =)

Dusk

[luvless]

Well G - I hate to admit it but you may be right. I guess I better be quiet for a while but you know what? I need you to know I'm not one of those women who don't stop talking. In fact, my husband is the woman in this relationship..he talks too much and never shuts up too bad it's never talking about the R right? I'm more quiet and sit back and watch - I need to work on myself..I know. Thank you once again for being here. I read your sitch and I understand somewhat how my H is feeling.

Dusk - I so accept that hug! I'm so glad you checked in on me. You guys are great.

Luvless feels a little luv today...

[Gnosis]

I need you to know I'm not one of those women who don't stop talking.

I stand corrected! My apologies.

In fact, my husband is the woman in this relationship..he talks too much and never shuts up

ROFLMAO.

Luv, all I can do is point out mistakes and um... make suggestions. You can try them out and let us know how they worked out. It's the feedback and testing that will get the results.

With that in mind, what works with your H. Can you share that?