I agree with what you stated, I also believe he has a form of PTSD as does my Psychiatrist (based on what I told her)however like your W he doesn't want to confront it and since I have learned I can't control him, there isn't anything I can do about it until he faces it head-on.
If I could wave my magic wand and make everything all better, I would however my wand is in the shop this week.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Serenity, I agree you can't change him. Is there a support group for spouses of veterans with PTSD? Can you check with the VA? It doesn't excuse his behavior but it would explain a lot.
You have a lot on your plate. Manage your energy, stay hydrated and prayed up.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You just put into words what I was wondering about last night with this sentence...
Originally Posted By: Coach
It doesn't excuse his behavior but it would explain a lot.
I was actually sitting there thinking last night geez what kind of person am I for thinking it may be this when it could be that or vice versa...
I am not by any means a Dr. and just go by what I am told and when I first saw my Dr. after H admitted to the OW, once I gave her the specifics, she thought right then and there PTSD w/MLC thrown in there. (I am guessing for good measure? LOL...J/J - Need to keep my sense of humor)
I never thought to check with the VA, however you have given me something to do tomorrow morning when I get to work.
I have my individual Dr. as well as my Pastor, you guys here and my MIL so I know I am covered for myself...
I just feel like I am throwing him to the wolves to sit out there and figure it out for himself - My nature is to protect, comfort, care, be there, fix, love, show compassion, show empathy, be respectful, etc...
This is a complete 180 from what I have spent a lifetime learning and some days it does tweek my guilt button more often the not. (But I am learning)
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Serenity, I was catching up and was thinking the same thing Coach said. But in addition to a spousal support group for you, I'll bet the VA has an outreach program that would contact H, even telling him "it's a new routine thing their doing, etc.,"
But start with you, like Coach said.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Living with my family has taken a toll on my boys and I...
My little one has become bratty (lack of a better word), screaming, throwing things, cursing, hitting - Basically acting like a 2 year old have a temper tantrum.
Sleeping with him is interrupting my sleep however this is the best I have right now...
Since court my oldest has been much better, helping me with the little one, being respectful and kind, doing odd things around the house etc...
Neither of them like being parented by every adult in the house and I don't like it either - Never have and that isn't changing now.
If I am at work, that is understandable however if I am standing right there, back off.
That is my family for you though...
So with the new year and hopefully child support in place, my objective is to find a place to live as well as a car...
I have been trying to picture my life as a divorced single parent and while it does take my breath away at times, I know in my heart I can do it - I may not want to, however I can...
It has taken me almost 5 months to get to this place.
In the 5 months since he left, I have learned so much about myself and for that I am grateful...
I am also learning how to put back my soul one small piece at a time.
My faith is growing everyday...
I am thankful for the time I get with my boys now - Time H is missing however that is something he will have to come to terms with.
I have walked around trying like hell to do damage control for something I never asked for...
I have lied about him to our boys just so they don't think badly of him, lied to family and friends as well and for what? This isn't something I should feel guilty over.
Today I am laying down the guilt that seems to follow me around everywhere I go...
I am a good woman and I never deserved this - Our boys never deserved this however finally I realize, it isn't about me and it isn't about our children - He is the one with something broken in him and as long as he continues to run from the problem instead of facing it head-on, we will continue this cycle - That isn't fair to my boys - They need someone who is stable, loving, kind, fair and there for them - Like it or not, that someone is me.
Am I giving up on R - No - But it can't be my focus day in and day out...
I have twisted myself into something I am not just because of words he projected at me...
I have lost way to much weight in a very short amount of time, my hair used to be thick but started falling out and is now thinner then it has ever been, I am having my face break out which never happens and my (excuse me gentlemen) "friend" is here for the 3rd time in one month...
This isn't healthy for me nor my kids. I have allowed this to overshadow the important things in life - My health, my kids, my job etc...
My wish for the holiday season (besides my name) - That the new ones coming in daily heed the advice of the veterans - Don't think you can do it on your own because you can't...
I tried to help a newbie and I was so frustrated because no matter what I said they didn't want to hear it - They wanted validation for what they had already planned to do ahead of time and because of that I extend my apologies to the veterans who came to me in the beginning, the ones I blew off (you know who you are).
Once I thought this through, then and only then did I have a little bit of peace within.
I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to go through life angry and not smiling...
This is the beginning of a new day for me - A day to continue to look up, count and give thanks for my blessings, a day to move forward from the pain that has threatened to overtake me, a day to learn from the pain and then to release it, a day to take back my life and enjoy each and everything that comes my way.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
You sound like you are getting to a good place. I wish you well.
I have also decided to step back from my sitch. I find that it is very easy to become consumed by this DBing which is why GALing and getting out really is so important. The thought of repairing or restoring my M was the uppermost thought in my mind for the last year to the exclusion of everything else. It is just not a healthy way to live and it is not sustainable. I think we will all do much better when we achieve the necessary balance in our lives. I have spent the weekend formulating my game plan on how to do this and I am happy with what I have come up with.
I really hope that you will be able to get your own place in the new year. That will go a long way in helping you to feel that you are regaining control of your life.
Serenity, that was an outstanding post! I spent way too much time being consumed by my circumstances instead of striving to rise above them...you have your priorities in order and I am so glad you have made such amazing progress.
I am a good woman and I never deserved this - Our boys never deserved this however finally I realize, it isn't about me and it isn't about our children - He is the one with something broken in him and as long as he continues to run from the problem instead of facing it head-on, we will continue this cycle - That isn't fair to my boys - They need someone who is stable, loving, kind, fair and there for them - Like it or not, that someone is me.
