Still in the tunnel with hubby

[trustingfaith]

KJ-

So glad that the bowling and pizza went well. That could have been an even more stressful situation. Funny how the HS friend commented on being in your shoes and not liking her H meeting a divorced friend from the past! So are you glad you went after all then?

I hope you have a great weekend and have some good time with your H.

[Grace_O]

Like TF I think it was intersting that she commented on not wanting to me you if the shoe was on the other foot.

Glad it all went well.

My D's and I saw "Blindside" also. We all loved it. Seems like we've been doing alot of movies lately.

I'm really sorry to hear about your friend/collegue. It's hard enough when it's natural causes, but something violent well, how are you holding up?

I have to say I think it's really nice that he wanted to ML to you after you all went out.

I hope the rest of your weekend is going well.

HUGS

[kjensen]

Thanks TF and Grace.

I am glad I went. I, too, saw the irony of HS/FB not wanting to be in my shoes. She also told my of my H's best friend in highschool who has now been divorced for about 13 years after his wife was caught cheating. HS/FB friend said she couldn't imagine how awful that must've been, but this friend of H's has become a recluse of sorts..very sad. So I don't think H has told HS/FB friend ANYTHING about what we've been through this last year...

It is very sad about my colleague being murdered. He hadn't worked with me in years, but I went to pharmacy school with his ex-wife and its a pretty small-knit community in pharmacy. Just very, very tragic.

Today H is seemingly in a fog. A bit grouchy..irritable. I'm at work a bit today, so we'll see if his mood improves by the time I get home. Not sure if his mood has to do with the girls wanting to get the Christmas tree up and our old one not fitting in our new smaller townhome. D12 and I went to buy a smaller tree and will donate our old one. H didn't want to help pick out the new one but of course he hated the one we got(too skinny).. but it fits much better in our space! Arghhhhhh

I'm ready to take a break from this rollercoaster! :-))

[trustingfaith]

KJ

I too am so ready to take a break from this roller coaster. Some days I just wish I could have a one day break to regroup but that isn't going to happen.

So do you feel any "better" about their relationship after bowling or not?

Hope your H un-grouches before you get home!

[kjensen]

I do feel better b/c even though this friend isn't physcially his type(as he said I would see)..I could see an EA there on his side...I think this friend though wouldn't let anything go that far..she seems pretty solid.

The thing that "sticks in my craw" is that H wants to do things/activities and has fun doing things with others, but won't do the same things with me. I know "I'm the problem" in his mind but it still stings.

So TF...how about finding just 15 minutes here or there to do something YOU want to do...? sometimes that indulgence helps me...I took a long bath a few weeks ago(I do shower daily ) but I soaked for awhile with candles lit and it was great. Felt recharged afterwards.

just a thought. Hope your weekend is nice and "grump-free"!

[Grace_O]

When I look back at the last year or so H was still at home, it seems like I couldn't do anything right. I think he was just miserable period. Of course, the fact that he was seeing a C to figure out how to tell me he wanted a D didn't seem to help. I even spoiled that for him <sigh>.

I actually have more trouble finding time for myself with H gone. Partly. b/c D's live 24/7 with me and there are some specific problems. So, take the time when and where you find it. Even if it means he stays home to watch them while you get away for a weekend...grab it if you can.

K,

Did your H do things with friends alot prior to all this? I ask b/c if he didn't I would esp encourage it now (not with women obviously). Mine didn't. We were to insular as a couple, not good. I'm actually happy he gets out with friends now.

May a grump-free weekend be had by all.

HUGS

[kjensen]

H doesn't have many friends at all and his best friend moved out of the country for a few years in 8/08...before this all came to a head.

I am encouraging him to do things with his two guy friends-they work out mostly and get coffee.

Update:
H was in a pretty good mood on Sunday-said he felt better than he has in weeks. He's been off the A/D for about 2 weeks now so its pretty much out of his body now. I asked H why he thought he felt better and he thought time had passed and that helped. I asked him if he was feeling better b/c he'd made a decision to leave..he asked if we really had to talk about that now and I answered "no"...

I did tell H that I thought it was interesting that he feels better now and I thought the last 2 weeks were worse between us, that I felt constantly criticized for how/what I say..He said he didn't mean to make me feel that way and if that's the message I got I'm missing the picture-no elaboration there as i wanted to avoid any arguing... H did agree that he gets surly if he drinks so he is going to stop.

This is all after his therapy on Friday so I'm not sure if these insights and sharing have come from that or not. His workout buddy (who I'm also friends with me)did tell me via email last Wednesday before Thanksgiving that H was talking about moving out , but H didn't mention it Friday(after therapy) when working out...

So I am feeling very vulnerable. I feel like I'm about to relive the worst christmas of my life. I may be my own worst enemy here if H is turning a corner and I'm becoming more insecure inside so I'm trying hard to stave of my mental demons...still feeling alot of stress and emotion though.

maybe he just had a good day. who knows how today will be.

[Grace_O]

K,

This is where it gets really tough. You're thnking one thing and you really don't know what he's thinking.

Let me play gadfly here for a minute. If he does move out, what does that mean to you? That it's over and done? That there is no hope? That he doesn't love you or find you attractive anymore? How about that it's part of a process?

If he doesn't move out, what does that mean?

I know these are hard questions and I know the fear in answering them.

Let me tell you a short story. When my H left, I thought 1) he not only didn't love me, but was indifferent to me 2) he didn't find me attractive anymore 3)that I had mucked up everything beyond repair.

None of the above are true. He's been gone 20 months now and the hardest thing I have had to do is forgive myself for his leaving.

Try not to focus on him. Focus on having an amazing Holiday no matter what happens.

HUGS

[kjensen]

Hi Grace,
I know I don't know what he's thinking. Its my gut instinct that I'm listening to...but of course I'm in uncharted waters here so what does my instinct know?

At lunch H was OK..Says he slept 1 hour. I seemed to misunderstand something he said about his work schedule and he made a grimace(I don't think he knows that he does that alot)b/c I didn't understand him the first time and said he had to leave to go back to work.

I think when we don't have alot to say to each other it counts as a strike against me...

I'm reading "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" and I do think alot of our communication style differences are gender related.

I know I'll be Ok if H decides to leave. I'm not sure if I'll be OK with the timing if it is around the same holiday that he dropped the bomb(Christmas/New Years). I think that is the big compnent of my anxiety-the holidays..the expectations/the fears of revisiting the past. It was hard for me getting all of the Christmas decorations out this year b/c I remembered that I was the one who put them all away the day H moved out....

Just in a funk today...

[D Money]

I'm sorry you're struggling K.

If he does in fact leave, it doesn't mean you failed. He's a long way from being done and he just came home before he was ready. It doesn't lessen the hurt, but it won't be because of something you did or didn't do.