Pls help--confused and fearful

[P17]

With NC, H seems to get angrier and less cooperative.

You're damn right he does. You're not following HIS plan anymore.

It appears that all WAS have a plan. And that plan, from the limited experience I have on these forums and from my own sitch, seems to always include the same key elements - the LBS, the kids (if there are any) and the OP. So they get to give the LBS the blame and also get the EN's from them that they have always had. They also get to be the best father / mother they can be by pretending that it's not hurting the kids yada yada. They also get the sex, the excitement, the secrecy from the OP.

They all appear to do this. They all appear to be unable to 'move on' even when they say they are. They all appear to still cling to their old lives even though we are all bad people.

WAS's, in my mind, have little control over their own lives. They have walked away from a secure home, family, finances, etc. to a place which they don't know. They are walking into the unknown. The only thing they actually have when doing all of this is their 'plan' - and than plan is as above.

When you take any element of that 'plan' away, they have little left to fall back on. When all they are left with is the OP, who is an unknown, it can be scary.

When you get scared .... you lash out.

Your H is getting angry because you have screwed up his plan - how dare you! He wasn't ready to quite drop you like a stone. He wanted his cake and eat it. And you, the terrible W have ruined it for him.

Because he is getting angry, I'd keep it going. That is just my view though.

But, I'm thinking I need to go back to it. Or at least go very dim. Like newmama said, it moves us of our fences. I don't want him back without him asking for forgiveness or wanting to reconcile. I have to face the facts that I'm not seeing either of those.

If you keep doing what you are doing you will get the same results.

When you go full NC, two things happen. The WAS does in fact walk away and that is that. Or, the WAS starts to get nasty, angry, abusive, desperate, clingy, needy and teary ... probably in that rough order. However, NC is not about him, it's about you and how you can deal with the situation.

If he walks away you know the M is over. You have your answer. If he comes back clingy, needy etc. then you also have an answer.

The decision on what to do though is still yours.

I do see the guilt though, but it's not enough to make him wake up. But I guess you are right about the lashing out to try to alleviate his guilt. He is just too mean = tons of guilt!

Human nature. Guilt won't make him wake up. Not on it's own. A realisation one day of what he has lost will do that.

I had an appt with my IC. I so needed it because of the hurt I feel and my confusion. She is telling me to move on and file for D and that he is the wrong man for me.

First point. You have the wrong IC. Ditch him / her immediately. A counsellor is there to make you face the choices in your life by asking you the right questions of yourself. They are not there to tell you who is good and bad for you. That is YOUR decision.

Ditch the counsellor now. I'd be surprised if anybody else suggests something different.

But I am not going to file and if I do, it will be after the holidays. I'm too emotional to even work on that. I need to process everything first. I'm going to keep working on healing myself. I hate this situation. I'm not ready to shut the door on this.

I am having good success with NC myself - W has tried to break it and test my boundaries a couple of times but I would not recommend it to anybody else as I believe it will break my M and not fix it. However as you said, you need to work on you. You need to find the strength to make the tough decisions - and trying again is as tough as ending it.

There is no rush to file. Do it when you have the strength and commitment to follow it through. Do NOT do it to make your H come back as that is never a good idea. Alternatively, forget about filing and let him do it. Let him put his money where his mouth is.