Glad yesterday worked out so well in the end! I'm very happy Gnosis is sharing his male insight....I was going to try to relate some things I learned about my H at Retrouvaille, but Gnosis seems to be cutting right to the chase. He has a knack for translating Martian to us womenfolk. Thanks, Gno!
I have a couple of questions for you too. First, have you any thoughts on why your H seems to melt down at Thanksgiving/holiday time? Is his business cyclical, causing him additional stress...are there family/FOO triggers?
Secondly, you've mentioned several instances lately where he has hugged and kissed you. Is this new behavior? Do you still touch him affectionately without him flinching away? I know I stopped doing that with my H...I didn't think he even noticed...but he has recently shared with me that it was a source of great pain for him.
I know, that's more than a couple of questions.....
Funny you should mention the melting down at holiday times... It's not a rare occurrence! Yes, his company causes him additional stress during holidays, because of days off/cramming workload into less days, etc... And, when he does that, that means, WAY less sleep, and he gets very little to begin with.
Family/FOO triggers? I have a hard time understanding this. I'm an only child from parents who are still happily married. I was spoiled, but not a brat. H comes from a family of seven children. He's the youngest. SHOCK! He is fairly close w/both of his sisters (oldest siblings), and is conversationally close w/the brother closest in age. One brother died (not sure it wasn't suicide, but I could be way off..), and he hasn't spoken to the other brothers in years! In fact, I've never met them, and we've been married almost 14 years. So, holiday times for his family have gone from a small gathering at his older sisters (she has breast cancer now, and is in CO getting treatment) w/her family, his next oldest brother's family, and ours, to... almost nil. We invite them every year for Thanksgiving, and have a combo celebration, and it's way fun when they can come. But, the next oldest brother's family has kids aging, and, get this, the brother and his wife don't speak! So, they end up canceling last minute. It's sad.
I've thought of something that may help w/this over the X-Mas/New Years weeks. I thought of asking him if he'd like to take the kids to CO to visit his sister (who is in breast cancer treatment), and seeing if his other sister and H will meet us there. I am conversational close w/both of them, as they are like my H and the brother I know... not exactly open and intimate w/anyone. But, they like me, and we all enjoy each other. Ideas on how to broach this w/out looking like I'm trying to fix things?
H always hugs and kisses me goodbye. Sometimes a bit more robotic than others. Most times fairly warm and genuine. Touching him? Hmmmmmm... not so much. It's sad. I almost feel like it might not be welcome. Could be my mind spinning. I'll try it, though. I'd be interested in ideas.
THANKS for coming by!
I'm going for a power walk now! (Even though I still feel like poop!!!)
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
GNO - Didn't get a chance to pay the H the compliment re: D18 this am. He sat in my office for 45 minutes, talking non-stop, and when I had a chance to broach the subject, his phone rang w/a work emergency!
We were talking about the boys in their sports, and I did tell him that S10 has his same attitude (competitive, and always looking for a way to win, even if unconventional = makes him very successful).
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
When will this pneumonia go away? It seems that each of the antibiotics they've given me, improve my symptoms a bit for a few days, and then, downhill drop again. UGH! I'm scared to call my Internal Med doc this time. She told me on Thursday that if the Z-pack and steroids hadn't started to work, she was admitting me.
Tomorrow am I go to the cardiologist.
I feel like my mother and her "old" friends! Talkin' about my ailments!
Whaaaa!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
MF, no pressure on the complement. You did the right thing. You sensed the timing was off and held back. Good job. There is no rush to give it. The best timing for it would be in the evening when he is relaxed. In my mind the appropriate time is just before you two go to bed.
I hope that your pneumonia passes soon and good luck with the cardio exam. You're in my prayers for healing in all areas of your life. In the mean time take it easy on yourself. Do something that brings you an element of peace and get some rest.
Quote:
I feel like my mother and her "old" friends! Talkin' about my ailments!
ROFLMAO. Don't worry about it. This is your thread, you can do whatever you want. I'm not going to stop you. I know you need to vent, better here than in your H's ear Don't worry, the time will come you'll be able to do it in his ear without him running away.
BTW what does FOO stand for?
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
FOO? Family of Origin? (Silverado, help me out here, girlfriend!)
GNO - Thanks for the prayers. I just saw my name on the prayer request list at church/kids school. Now, I REALLY feel old! I'm right between Mrs. Livingston needing a new kidney, Mr. Gutierrez having retina surgery, etc... Doesn't say what mine is for. I'm tempted to logon and fill in the blank...
"... And, for Mrs. Mindfull, a successful boob lift!" That would shake up the Lutherans! I'm already a bit diff because of my lack of Winnie The Pooh sweatshirts and Naturalizer gym shoes!
JEFF - I didn't want to smut up your thread w/this comment. But, I was glad you weren't going to see a movie w/a SHEEP, instead of a GOAT! LOL You know... you ARE a single man now! Congrats btw! It looks great on you! Kind of like switchin' from a Mr. Rogers sweater vest to an ultrasuede rockin' blazer!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Ya--it's family of origin. Example: my father's mother was killed in a car accident on Christmas day. All my life my dad has been a grinch about Christmas, and this is how my mother always explained it to me.
I just wondered if your H might have some sort of bad association with the holidays, other than the onslaught of the cold winter weather there.
About the touching thing.... From all you've posted, I picture your family as loud, fun, gregarious folks. I can't imagine you NOT being a naturally affectionate person. (..correct me if I'm wrong here..) If you are bubbly and affectionate with your children and friends, then why treat your H any differently. It just seems unnatural to me if you act all stiff and formal with him only, unless he has clearly resisted you touching him. I don't mean pursuit, i.e. hand holding or anything sexual (like yanking his towel *wink-nudge* or pinching his butt). Just a touch on the arm or a squeeze on the shoulder in passing. Nothing unnatural for you. You may BOTH be making incorrect assumtions about the wishes of the other.
BTW---What do you think his primary Love Languages are? Have you read this book?
woah, I've got a LOT to catch up since being gone for thanksgiving! goodness!!
hey, before I get to do that, might be tomorrow, I saw this post
Quote:
I just had to focus on NOT feeding the cycle.
This is a profound statement! think on this over and over again! YOU can change things by doing just that.
hey, and do keep an eye on his attitude during this detox thing. I am glad that he is focusing on his health, this is really important for HIM to feel good too. You both need to feel good!
hope you had a good thanksgiving, I will check soon to find out.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Funny you should ask about the LL's. I've taken the quiz, trying to think like I think he would think. (Dr. Seuss?) I have NO clue.
I end up doing AOS for him. Like... fave dinners, errands that make his life easier (since he travels most of the work week), etc... He is appreciative, but he's not diggin' it, ya know?
WOA - Hmmmmmm... He likes to be complimented, especially in the presence of others. (I could work on that.)
Touch? Not so sure... He has never been a snuggler.
That's what I can glean from this alien H!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
SHOCK! He is fairly close w/both of his sisters (oldest siblings), and is conversationally close w/the brother closest in age. One brother died (not sure it wasn't suicide, but I could be way off..), and he hasn't spoken to the other brothers in years! In fact, I've never met them, and we've been married almost 14 years. So, holiday times for his family have gone from a small gathering at his older sisters (she has breast cancer now, and is in CO getting treatment) w/her family, his next oldest brother's family, and ours, to... almost nil. We invite them every year for Thanksgiving, and have a combo celebration, and it's way fun when they can come. But, the next oldest brother's family has kids aging, and, get this, the brother and his wife don't speak! So, they end up canceling last minute. It's sad. 
Don't worry, the time will come you'll be able to do it in his ear without him running away.