Am I the only one who thinks "less talk and more action?" She is all over the place. I think you'll knock this out of the park if you do it your way, "lead" as Coach says. All that talk would nauseate me if I was as emotionally overwhelmed as she is. Remember that her initial reaction is never the whole picture. When you do something "right" you may get a wtf response from her. That should not be the only clue you take. Look at a week at a time, not a moment or a day...
You've got little to lose. Be the man you want to be given her circumstances. I would stop asking and looking for her to guide you. She doesn't know what she wants/needs right now. That is crystal clear.
I think if you could muster up the courage to take charge here, it is your best chance, not only to save the marriage (you're already dead, right?) but to be proud of yourself and the man you have become.
Am I making sense? I speak from experience being in her shoes (to some extent). I was ornery and hard to please but mostly because I could see how clueless my H was and it was hard for me to believe I could trust him to lead, to stay, to be consistent. You don't take an action and then go all deer in headlights looking to see if it worked or she's pleased with you. You be you and do what you know is right. Screw it if she thinks you're controlling. You are not in the emotional state she's in. I don't mean that you disrespect her. You come from love and of course respect her boundaries but you wrestle control a little bit so you can change the paradigm and she can lean on you.
Can you formulate any picture of what I'm saying? Can you do it 100% for a week?
