I agree. It is a perpetuating cycle. I plan on dropping the bomb a week from today. I am in a good place right now. I know my wife is not. I don't care anymore(at least for now). But I have worked through all the finances. I plan on offering to buy her out of the house. I have listed all our assests. I am ready to move forward. In a way, I am glad the wife took my sons to dinner with her exboyfriend. Whether there was anything physical that ever happened or not, it doesn't matter. It was enough to feel that was the most disrespectful thing she could do to me. She spit in my face. For her to not think it would affect me that much, makes it worse. Regardless of her apologies, it was enough to put me over the edge and be ok with moving on. There was a line in my mind, she stepped 20 feet past it. I am going on day 5 of being happy that I am past it. Hopefully it will continue and I can just focus on my sons and trying to help them through this. I had to save myself before I can save them. I believe I just accomplished saving myself....
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
Take it from a failed DB'er -- if her parent is passing beyond this earthly vale, don't fail to "be there" whenever and wherever and whatever the cost may be to you in psycho-emotional-sexual frustration. MLC? Death of a parent is a recurring variable, especially in women's MLC.
WAW's mother gave up the ghost with Smiley's Person just 6 weeks physically in CONUS but mentally still in the AO, and there was not dam thing coming from me in the way of support, comfort, or even sympathy. Yo, people die every day, dawg -- whoa! is that an IED by the side of American Interstate? Hang on!
5-1/2 years later, when she's really pissed and really lets her guard down, that's what comes out, sharp as an ice pick to the eye. No free pass, even for the warrior.
Look. The worst vice is advice, so I'll just put it this way -- having done it for lo these 2,000 days, let me borrow some inspiration from Paul Robeson -- nossuh! You do not want to tote dat barge or lif' dat bale!
My challenge remains finding out what exactly that is.
Walk up to her. Put both her hands in your hands, look in her in the eyes and tell her, "I understand how hard this is for you dealing with your Mom. I want to support you and help you any way I can. So, how can I help you?" Let her answer good or bad, validate/empathise, give her a great hug and go about your business. Start a EA with her.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Walk up to her. Put both her hands in your hands, look in her in the eyes and tell her, "I understand how hard this is for you dealing with your Mom. I want to support you and help you any way I can. So, how can I help you?" Let her answer good or bad, validate/empathise,
Done.
Answer: "I don't know"
Quote:
give her a great hug and go about your business.
Also done.
Quote:
Start an EA
Pretty difficult with someone who can't express an emotion, but I'll keep trying.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
WAW's mother gave up the ghost with Smiley's Person just 6 weeks physically in CONUS but mentally still in the AO, and there was not dam thing coming from me in the way of support, comfort, or even sympathy. Yo, people die every day, dawg -- whoa! is that an IED by the side of American Interstate? Hang on!
Thanks SP.
I think much the same thing happened to me when Mrs. T's Father passed away 4 years ago. Just before he died, I lost my job in Europe and with it my visa. I was struggling with finding a new job back in the US, finding a home for my family to live, and getting us all relocated there. I was distracted and wasn't nearly as supportive as I could have been.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Am I the only one who thinks "less talk and more action?" She is all over the place. I think you'll knock this out of the park if you do it your way, "lead" as Coach says. All that talk would nauseate me if I was as emotionally overwhelmed as she is. Remember that her initial reaction is never the whole picture. When you do something "right" you may get a wtf response from her. That should not be the only clue you take. Look at a week at a time, not a moment or a day...
You've got little to lose. Be the man you want to be given her circumstances. I would stop asking and looking for her to guide you. She doesn't know what she wants/needs right now. That is crystal clear.
I think if you could muster up the courage to take charge here, it is your best chance, not only to save the marriage (you're already dead, right?) but to be proud of yourself and the man you have become.
Am I making sense? I speak from experience being in her shoes (to some extent). I was ornery and hard to please but mostly because I could see how clueless my H was and it was hard for me to believe I could trust him to lead, to stay, to be consistent. You don't take an action and then go all deer in headlights looking to see if it worked or she's pleased with you. You be you and do what you know is right. Screw it if she thinks you're controlling. You are not in the emotional state she's in. I don't mean that you disrespect her. You come from love and of course respect her boundaries but you wrestle control a little bit so you can change the paradigm and she can lean on you.
Can you formulate any picture of what I'm saying? Can you do it 100% for a week?
Be the man you want to be given her circumstances. I would stop asking and looking for her to guide you. She doesn't know what she wants/needs right now. That is crystal clear.
I think if you could muster up the courage to take charge here, it is your best chance, not only to save the marriage (you're already dead, right?) but to be proud of yourself and the man you have become.
Well put. This makes sense to me. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
