Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Woke up early this morning and right away my brain focused on my situation. Part of my problem is that I think about this logically. By the end of the next decade the daughters will be 20 and 17 and we'll be basically releasing them to the world. The HARD WORK is the next 10 years -- making sure they navigate high school and all of its temptations -- and get to college.

There's no way, logically, that you want to do this alone or at different households where they can play one off the other.

Plus the finances -- there will be so much less opportunity.

But again as I was laying there thinking eventually this will seep through W's fog, I realized that logic has no bearing here. That I need to look at reality. And the reality is that W divorced me in her mind three years ago (end of 2006).

[TulsaTime]

Get out of your funk CTH. PMA! I know it's hard and time will help.

Thinking logically, what good is negativity going to do for you?

Think PMA, work on being a better YOU. Don't be a victim. It's hard but I promise you, things will get better.

[ClingingToHope]

I'm hitting my down cycle again. Dropped girls off at school and have the Monday after their weekend blahs. Part of it is I ran into W this morning because D10 needed her sneakers for gym so we had to go by the house -- and W hadn't left yet.

Funny, W used to go into work at the crack of dawn. Now she doesn't get there right until she has to.

I've been wondering how this works again? I know the theory. Keep contact to a minimum. Make her call you, make her come to you. Make her feel your absence and see what she's been missing.

It's just soooooooo hard to carry it out. I haven't called or texted or pursued in any way since Oct. 6 -- so I have a two-month anniversary of sorts coming up.

But I also don't see any progress. A couple of threads I've been watching have shown some real breakthroughs and I'm jealous.

I know TT, focus on me, focus on me. It's just so much easier said than done.

[TulsaTime]

I know CTH. It's going to take patience. There will be good days and bad days. I know I'm much better off than I was a year ago and I'm sure you are too.

You're going to have to take baby steps here. First, stop the D-train, then stop the negative interactions, become friends, reconcile hopefully.

Any kids? They can be a source of continued contact with your spouse.

Gotta get back to work but I'll check in later.

My prayers for you....

[awest1217]

Just a word from a "single" mom. I used to leave and get to work every morning at 7 am when H was at home, but now I am about 15 minutes later. W's schedule probably has changed too because of adjusting to you being gone. Nothing bad happening, just her adjusting to the new situation and doing what is best. Now that she is used to it, she may like it more.

I also like what TT said. It seems that you have stopped the D train for now, but next is becoming friends again. You need to start the small talk with her like you would with some female you were interested in and didn't know. When you see her say hi, how is your day, be polite. She may respond in a mean way, but at least you are being nice when you are in physical contact with each other because of the girls. Right now it seems like you are really resenting W and if she did ask you back tomorrow, it would be bad to go because you have some major issues with her. You need to work through those on your own now so if/when she is ready to work on you together you are ready as well.

[Gardener]

Clinging,

I'm hitting my down cycle again.

I understand. Been there. People on this board bonked me out of it repeatedly. I know it's a roller coaster, but how deep the dips are and how long you're in them is entirely in your control. You're choosing a victim stance: "here's that down cycle and there's nothing I can do about it." Don't just accept it. Fight it off. Fight back. Count your abundances. Or at least count the most precious ones. Counting all our abundances would take each one of us hours and hours despite the misery and pain of our sitches. Distract, get physical, get moving, change your mindset and stroll - no, strut - right out of that cycle.

Part of it is I ran into W this morning because D10 needed her sneakers for gym so we had to go by the house -- and W hadn't left yet.

C'mon, Clinging. News flash: You are going to see your wife. Often. Chin up, shoulders back, PMA and all that stuff as soon as you do see her. Be upbeat and then beat it. Make it short, break it off.

It's just soooooooo hard to carry it out.

Hard, yes. Difficult, no. Just as some of DB is simple, but not easy.

But I also don't see any progress. A couple of threads I've been watching have shown some real breakthroughs and I'm jealous.

Marathon, not sprint. A couple of sitches? - out of dozens upon dozens of struggling, fighting, enduring sitches?

It's just so much easier said than done.

And like I always say "Everything - everything - is easier said than done"

Give some thought to changing your name on this forum. Seriously. There are many who have (SadMilitaryWife, for one, changed to StrongMarvelousWoman, etc.).

Clinging To hope is an apt, oft-used expression. But as a name, here - how you identify yourself - a) it sounds weak - you don't want that, b) it sounds "clingy, and 3), if you're just clinging, you ain't taking any action, making any progress or moving in any direction.
Just a thought to change your mindset and outlook.

Just lovingly paying forward my own headful of 2x4 lumps.

Keep going.

[ClingingToHope]

W just called. D7 isn't feeling well and she's wondering which day I can take off if she has to miss a couple of days of school. I said Wednesday since I'm working Saturday for a friend, I have to take a day off.

She also brought up her 2010 vacation schedule. I noticed it on the table when I was there after school. She has to turn it in next week and says "we need to sit down and plan the summer camps."

I need input. I don't really want to talk about summer camps yet. I can plan the weeks we each take vacation. I've always taken three full weeks in the summer and she has taken two. That leaves five to six weeks we have to plan camps.

I don't have any preference when my weeks off are. I can pick my weeks whenever. I have seniority and get what I want. I don't want to talk about summer camps yet because you don't really need to start signing up until February and I'm worried she'll trap me into an argument over who is paying and what camps they can go to.

These are pricey. Last summer we spent $2,500 on camps. I had them all paid for but one when I moved out in May. D7 is too old for half day camps so it'll be at least $2,500 to do the same camps this year. Dottie the DB coach told me not to assume -- so I'll wonder -- if money is already an issue for W, I'm wondering if she's going to pitch just putting the girls at daycare for a couple of weeks this summer. It's a little cheaper -- not much -- but the girls, especially D10 will hate it.

Should I just say I don't have time to come over and discuss camps. Just send me some dates on the vacation schedule and I'll respond to those.

I'm not sure why I really don't want to have the camp conversation face to face. I really have a bad feeling about it.

[ClingingToHope]

I was thinking about why I don't want to sit down and discuss summer camps yet. Last summer, D10 got to go to a week long horseback riding camp. She loved it. D7 will turn D8 in July and would be eligible to go -- although truthfully with her ADHD it'd be tough to sign her up.

Either way, D10 definitely wants to go back but it's $525. If we were together we could afford it. Separated? No way. But if we sit down and start talking about camps, I'm worried she'll say "we" can't afford to send the girls to the horse camp -- and I'm worried , even if I don't say it, my tone and posture are going to say to her that it's her fault.

It is her fault.

Our life is her decision and while she's out trying to rediscover the 20s life she never really liked anyway the girls will have to settle for less.

Anyway, if the "meeting" goes in that direction I'm just not sure I can turn it around. I'm not ready.

I do know this. No way are we "together" going to talk to the girls about the camps. It's her decision to go this direction and she'll have to be the one to disappoint them.

[awest1217]

Sorry here, but so what if your girls don't get to do everything they want to do. At some point they are going to have to start realizing that they don't get everything they want. I understand you want your daughters to have everything you can possibly afford, but if you can't afford it, then they can't go. What if you or W instead of being separated lost your job? They wouldn't be able to go then either. Is it their fault? Should they be punished? No and no, but that is the way life is.

There are many children who would love to go to camps to learn about horse back riding and other things such as that, but can't because their parents are layed off and have been for months so they can't afford it. The girls will live without their camps.

Second, why are you always complaining about how D10 will be missing out, but not much about D7? This is something to really think about. You are constantly talking about D10 and how she will miss out, but what about D7?

Sorry for being harsh here, but this is something you are going to have to talk about and you need to prepare yourself for. W may want to set things up so she can start saving money if possible. It seems lately all you have done is blame W and complain. I understand you need to vent, but there is rarely anything positive and if you stay on this road you are going to become a bitter man instead of coming out of this a better person.

Many of us are dealing with the same issues you are, and although my sitch seems like it is going better, does not mean it really is. H is a master manipulator. He may not be talking as much to OW, which is awesome, but there are many other women he talks to online that we have to work through as well. For example, there is a girl from Missouri that I don't know that he calls or texts about once every other month. Why? Who is she? I have no clue, but at some point I am going to have to find out.

You need to get out of your funk and start really DBing. LRT is not about just ignoring W and not talking about R. IT is also about being kind to W when you do interact with her and getting help for yourself so that you can become a better person. Right now it seems to me that all of your interactions with W are rude and cold. You can have short conversations without being cold.

Like I said sorry to have to be stern, but you need to find a way out of this or things are never going to get better in either direction.

[ClingingToHope]

I appreciate your input Awest. I was looking for input in how to handle the request to "sit down" and talk about camps. The last couple of times we had talks like that she baited me into D discussions, which I don't want to have.

When she calls to talk about it, can't I say something like let's pick out the vacation times for the summer and save the camp discussion until after the holidays?

The camp issue is for both D10 and D7 and I understand they'll have to realize life isn't the same. They are going to start realizing that this weekend. Instead of going on their annual shopping trip to Chicago with W and their grandmother on Sunday, they are staying with me because W couldn't afford to take all of them, but she was able to scrape up enough for herself to go.

I had my final session with Dottie the DB coach yesterday and it went well. She better explained "as if." Act as if it's all going to work out in the end. She warned me that I tend to jump ahead in conversations and I need to stay focused on the issue at hand. That's what I worry about in having a "sit down" right now with W. I don't want talks about vacation to morph into another D talk.