Ohh, and until then, any time I would say something, "I was being dramatic trying to make him feel guilty"...
I heard the same thing.
...which was code for "I feel guilty" or "stop messing with my game" or "if I'm lucky enough to not see it, let's pretend it's not there cuz that's easier for me" or any number of possibilities.
Doesn't matter. What action, barring either undoing the past or reconciling can the WAS take to fix the problem (pain and trauma inflicted on the kids)? If they don't see an action they can take, they don't want to think about it. We all do this in many ways, often healthy, control the things we can and accept the things we can't. In this case it is contorted.
Kids of that age, need reassurance, nurturing, promises of love, time, discussion, answering their questions no matter how difficult they are. Avoiding the truth you cant offer all that because "the kids are fine". My kids had so many meltdowns with me I was loosing my mind when he said it was all my imagination. It's another way being selfish and in the fog. Weak, weak people...
Kalni, I was explaining, not excusing. I am the one who strokes their hair and reassures them when they cry and act out in various ways. It has been the hardest part of this situation. I also find it hard not to feel resentful in those moments. And then I have to focus focus focus on the task at hand. Don't compare myself to my H. Just do what needs to be done.
I know the helplessness and then to have H suggest that I am somehow exaggerating or manipulating to get his sorry a** back...aaargh.
Now, we are communicating pretty honestly and I am able to give him the information without a care of what he thinks my intentions are. But, ultimately, unless there is an accompanying action (eg."can you call S9? He's been crying), it is just me needing to share and that's usually anticlimactic.
I do NOT believe that the WAS believes "the kids are fine." The WAS knows he/she is not prepared to do the things that would seemingly rectify the situation so they say stupid sh*t like "the kids are fine."
As for "reassurance, nurturing, promises of love, time, discussion, answering their questions no matter how difficult they are...," yes, in a perfect world the WAS would be able to meet those needs but they usually don't and that leaves us to do it.
Sorry for the sort of hijack SP, although it is still on topic.
Funny you mentioned it, I realised down the road, that caught up in my "living ok without you" moto, I was also protecting him by not sharing all incidents with him. I was doing my best on my own. Once we discussed this and he told me he understood and that I should tell him everything. Things became a little better then and he was more sensitive to their reactions.
He carries huge guilt now and I cant help him with it.
It's all timing, you know? You went into "living ok without him" mode and that was based on reality. I don't think you protected him so much as he was not in a place where he would receive or co-parent in that way (at least that's the impression I get from you).
We do what we have to do. Eventually, some WASs become more receptive and aware of the impact on others around him/her...and then, that is a world of hurt for them and you're right, it is their cross to bear.
@aliveandkicking:Eventually, some WASs become more receptive and aware of the impact on others around him/her...and then, that is a world of hurt for them and you're right, it is their cross to bear.
All you can do is get 'em a vanity plate for their rides: "SUX2BME"
"I have been waiting for a chance to tell you I am angry you won't call so that I can tell you I'm angry you won't call and talk to me."
Cliff's Notes version: "See here SP: I moved on, I'm happy, I have this man who really likes me and who I really like, and I'm sick and tired of you being angry about something that's in the past, so I want you to stop."
In between? I so wanted to be me, but I knew that would piss Gypsy and Kalni off, so instead I heard and validated and didn't defend and hey that's your right'd and yes that's your prerogative'd and I don't need to hear your personal'd and etc.
And then I went upstairs and went to bed, to find The Girl Herself therein, teddy bear in hand, sprawled across my pillow. Which made me happy, even though I knew it meant that she'd woken up sad or scared, because it feels so good to have the child near.
"See here SP: I moved on, I'm happy, I have this man who really likes me and who I really like, and I'm sick and tired of you being angry about something that's in the past, so I want you to stop." Tick, tick, tock....90 minutes later, "Okay, goodbye."
She didn't really tell you how you should feel did she? Call her immediately on that BS if she did. That's the differentiation (boundary) thing - she (and you) need to respect where one of you stops and the other starts. You are too wise to let this continue.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
