Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

I went to the IC with Mrs. T this morning. After a lot of thought I decided that the chance to get more information and discuss the issues on the table was worth the risk of being ambushed.

And it wasn't an ambush. I do like the C. He is competent and straight and direct and to the point. He was fair, and equally concerned for my wellbeing as for hers. It is clear, however, that his goal is NOT to save the marriage, but is focused on the wellbeing of each of the individuals in it.

I'm still processing. No breakthroughs. A few salient points:

• Mrs. T is naturally completely consumed by her mom's worstening situation.
• Mrs. T formally requested that we postpone all discussions about D, separation, etc. She is clear that this is not a committment from her to the M, but she "just can't take any more loss in her life right now. I'm losing my mom, and I can't think about losing my home as well" (yes, she said "home", not my "marriage") She did not put a timeframe on it, but she needs to "not have to think about the R" right now.
• She is seeing my recent attempts to detach and distance myself (no physical contact, separate bedrooms,etc) as being proof that I am not and never will be an affectionate person. She is seeing it as me abandoning her in her time of need.
• She blames S7's growing inability to express his emotions and show affection on his "being just like you (me)". IMO this is the pot calling the kettle black, as she is the one who demands, but does not give affection, and who can not verbally express her own emotions.

I also talked to the C privately for a while. He is clearly trying to look out for me as well. He is open with his opinions:

• In our session he saw no committment from her to the M
• Unless she committs, there is no chance this will ever work
• I don't need this amount of rejection and negativity in my life.
• If I were to leave or initiate now, she would turn it into a point of blame and hatred for the rest of our (coparenting) relationship. She is already building this from the fact that I detached and started preparing to meet a mediator.
• He recommends that I stay with her, and stay as supportive as I can
• He recommended that in parellel I begin preparing mentally, emotionally, (and financially) for D, and that I set my own time and conditions and tell Mrs. T about it later (after her mom's death...)

So basically, the C told me: I can never be happy in this M and I deserve to be happy, but I can't do it now because of the situation, so I should follow the classic WAS action plan - prepare in silence, wait it out until the timing is more opportune, and then drop the bomb, announce that I am filing for d and walk away looking for a happier new life.


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Emotionally I am torn in two. I can see the little girl inside of her who is in fearful anguish at being torn from her mother. I see her pain at what this is doing to her family. I want to take her in my arms and protect her and comfort her - and I think that right now this is what she wants as well.

But at the same time I know that our base situation is unchanged. She does not want me as her husband, and is only staying because it is emotionally easier than getting d'd. I also know myself. Staying close and supportive through this emotional period and through the holidays is going to draw me to her. By doing so, I am perpetuating my own cycle: attachment, pursuit, rejection, pain