ssmguy...When I left my first husband, I went through a lot of soul searching. I needed to find out what my part in my marital problems had been (other than the affairs), how to correct those problems, and how not to repeat them in the future. I also needed to understand my husband's role in our marital problems.
So I set forth on a long journey of searching for answers. I read lots of books and message boards about relationships and marriage and affairs. As I read more and more about marriage and relationships in general, I kept realizing that all my questions were more related to the affairs. Why did I behave that way? Was I justified? Would I ever be able to be faithful, or was it just my ex-husband I would cheat on but no one else? And if that was the case, why was I so cruel to him?
In my search, I learned all about affairs. Why people have them, the "reasons" they tell themselves that they have them, and the devastation it causes to everyone (including the person who had the affair). I learned that ALL people who engage in affairs are THE SAME. I learned that none of us is better than someone else.
For instance, you are currently telling yourself that "because your wife doesn't want sex", you are entitled to a sex life and that means outside of the marriage.
However, there are other people who are currently having all the good sex they could ever want inside their marriages, and yet they STILL cheat.
From your position, you would likely conclude that you are "better" than this other person. That you are more moral, and that you are "only" having affairs "because your wife won't give you good, frequent sex". You would consider yourself to be a good person who is only doing a bad thing because you are forced. You would also consider this other person to be an idiot, because he is getting all the good sex he could want inside his marriage, and YOU the moral high-ground walking person that you are, would NEVER do what HE is doing. YOU would be happy with the great sex inside your marriage and would not make the same choices he is making.
What I found in my research was that the above mindset is a load of crap. Instead, here's the cold, hard facts: ALL PEOPLE WHO HAVE AFFAIRS BELIEVE THEY HAVE A SPECIAL ENTITLEMENT TO HAVE AFFAIRS, AND THEY ALL BELIEVE THEY WOULD NOT MAKE THIS CHOICE IF IT WEREN'T FOR X, Y, AND Z, WHICH ARE CIRCUMSTANCES BEYOND THEIR CONTROL. And yet, how could ALL of them have special circumstances?
What you will find after you continue the current path you are on, is that years down the road, you will have squandered all of your energy and your integrity just to get a piece of ass here and there. And that's the end of the story. You will not find a sense of peace and happiness for having gotten those pieces of ass. You will get nothing for them except the pain and burn of how you have cheated YOURSELF out of having a good, fulfilling sex life.
Just like you, when I was married before and was cheating, I thought I had good reasons to cheat, and I figured I'd sort it out with my ex-h if I got caught. I also thought that other people who cheat who did not have a "good" reason like mine, were beneath me. The truth, when I finally uncovered it within myself, was nothing like the picture I had tried to paint for myself. As it turned out, I was simply making cruel, unjustified, selfish decisions that hurt myself and my entire family. No matter what reason I had, it was not justified. This was a tough pill to swallow and I rejected it at first. But with a sincere desire to learn about infidelity and why I had acted that way, I finally learned and understood and accepted the truth about myself: I am selfish and I made selfish decisions that hurt all involved.
Once I finally did accept this truth, I could begin actually dealing with that truth. Then I could stop denying and defending and trying to justify. Instead, I could say "ok I made this selfish decision and it was wrong and horrible...how do I make sure I will not make this type of decision again?" Finally at that point, I could truly learn some skills and grow as a person. But until I could face the truth, that I had NO JUSTIFYABLE REASON to cheat, then I couldn't move forward.
As long as you remain stuck in your position that your cheating is actually justified, you will not grow as a person. Your sex life will always be a stagnant pool of potential disease for you, instead of a beautiful spring that will nourish you like it could be.
You can learn the hard way like I did - or you can try to learn this truth and remain married. Its your choice. But what is NOT your choice is what the truth is. You cannot decide for the rest of the world, your wife, your children, and your family, that your choice to cheat is justified. It is not, and no amount of your will power or thinking about it will EVER make it so.
Instead, if you choose to accept the truth, that it is not justified and never was, then you can possibly begin growing and healing.
