H got peeved over NOTHING yesterday, i think he may have been drinking...told me he would file for divorce if i didnt back off...hes done, cant live like this anymore, he has tried everything to make me happy...
Um...no, not really. He called home, and you laid into him because your D left a message about losing her tooth and he hadn't checked it. He was hunting, yes? When I'm busy with other things, I don't check my messages, I don't even have my phone turned on. And was it such a big deal that YOU should have gotten angry?
Sorry, but I think YOU are the one who blew things out of proportion...and your anger and judgment of your H is palpable through your posts. If I can feel it through the net, your H has been able to feel it for a while. You sound like you're holding on to a lot of anger.
Sorry for the 2x4, but you sound a lot like I used to be with my H. Yes, your H has issues, but you still have more work to do. Back WAY off. Start working on your anger regarding this situation. Drop all expectations and give your H the space to work on himself.
Just imagine...happy H, out hunting, feeling good, calls home to find out his W is pissed b/c he missed a message about a loose tooth. Milestone, yes, but sheesh.
What if you had used the opportunity to share instead of be angry? "Oh H! D tried to call you earlier b/c she lost her first tooth! She was so proud and excited. Can you believe our little girl is growing up so quickly? Would you like to talk to her?"
VERY different tone. No anger.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
ok. i see your point and agree. i do have a bit of anger, and i am working in ic with it. however, all he has as means of contact is his cell phone. I dont call for anything that doesnt pertain to our children...if it is not something important to them or an emergency...i dont leave a message. last week i called tues. evening on my way to the er with our 5yo...didnt get a return call until we were already home with staples in her head... i do admit my anger carried over...he was preparing to hunt...i honestly didnt see her calling a problem...
thank you for your help! please continue, as hearing and having it pointed out to me in actual situations will help me to overcome these things!
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
It's not a problem that she called, it's a problem that she called, he missed it because he was doing something important to him (an activity that, let's face it, is done mostly for the purpose of getting away from everything) and you were angry at him for not checking his messages and calling back. In his mind, there was no emergency, no one was hurt, there was no need for him to call her back at that moment. He sees this from his point of view as one more example of how you hover over him and never leave him alone.
He may be right, or he may be wrong, but that's probably how he sees it. And it's a bigger problem because neither of you is probably treating this like the small incident it really was. You see it as one more in a long train of examples of him being irresponsible and out of touch. He may see it as one more in a long train of examples of you trying to control him.
But the fact that you took an incident where you lost your temper (even if you think it's justified, you lost your temper) and described it to us as an incident where he "blew up over nothing," not you, should show you that you're not seeing this clearly or objectively. You're viewing it through a lens of anger and frustration that's warping everything. And if you're that angry and frustrated, what are odds that he's not?
If you can detach and give him space, you might be shocked at how much it helps. It's completely counter-intuitive because you feel him slipping away from you and you want to grab control and pull him to you, but that's why he's fighting you in the first place. You can never force him to stay with you. Let him have room to move and see what he does.
It's so easy for me to say this and so hard for you to do it that I almost feel bad writing it . . . . but it could really make a huge difference.
thanks silly...that is what the last 3 days have been all about for me! YES it is very hard,and YES i need to get a grip and see it through his eyes even if i dont agree.
funny...today is the first day of buck season where we live...guess what, HE just called me!
i must give him his space and continue with my ic to work on all of this...
thanks and please help to keep me confident!!
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
After reading your stitch, I realize where I have gone wrong. Thank you! LOL!! I have lost all hold I had on the basics of DR as soon as he moved back in...I have made him miserable.
The detaching, allowing space, GAL, and becoming a happier person really does help. It will give him time to work on himself without dealing with you and the problems you bring with you. H didn't talk of coming home until a week into my successful DRing. Now that he is here I have reverted to my old nagging, controlling, talkative ways and he is moving father away with every passing minute.
Give it a try and see what happens. I think you will be surprised at the results.
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Just put it behind you and embrace the Last Resort Technique in DR. Follow it to a T. One of two things will happen. He will either see your changes, become intrigued by them, and start initiating some contact to find out what is up with you. OR he will not care either way and continue to move away from you. Either way you will win. You may get him back and then a whole new phase begins. If not, you will become happier with time. You will find yourself and a life for you and the kids. (The last thing is the most important that could happen throughout the whole process)
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
