He wants to come home....HELP!

[praying_in_GA]

Bim, thank you for reminding me of that.

I have been thinking of our time together and the days before he officially moved back in. The week he called and wanted to come home I was feeling great and knew I was doing DR to the max. I was detaching and happy. He called to come home and I was good for about 36 hours. Then I dissolved into a pile of unattractiveness. I have since become clingy, pushy, insecure, needy....you name it, I have regressed into it.

He asked me last night what books I have read since the separation. I told him a few of them (NOT DR!) and he said he noticed they were all about marriage or husbands. I said yes, that was right. He asked why I didn't read something for me. Well, I don't know, I wanted to fix the relationship. Today I ordered a book on controlling anger.

So, do I go completely back to the week before he moved in? I was not talking to him unless it involved the kids. I didn't call during the day and when he came home to watch them before work I was polite, but avoided him as much as I could. OR can I continue to show him some attention and affection?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

He asked me last night what books I have read since the separation. I told him a few of them (NOT DR!) and he said he noticed they were all about marriage or husbands. I said yes, that was right. He asked why I didn't read something for me. Well, I don't know, I wanted to fix the relationship.

And naturally, a woman's first instinct to "fix" a relationship is to try to "fix" her husband.

Hmmmm; maybe this guy isn't as dumb as I thought he was.

Kidding, PiGA. Sort of. Actually, his was a pretty fair question, I thought.

Puppy

[Lost Rabbit]

PIGA its not easy to not fall into old habits! Also some times our H's try and lead us into old habits, my H has pulled the "but I need to hear that you need me" routine and its hard to fufil his needs without losing my PMA, but keep at it you will get a happy medium eventually!

[praying_in_GA]

He asked me last night what books I have read since the separation. I told him a few of them (NOT DR!) and he said he noticed they were all about marriage or husbands. I said yes, that was right. He asked why I didn't read something for me. Well, I don't know, I wanted to fix the relationship.

And naturally, a woman's first instinct to "fix" a relationship is to try to "fix" her husband.

Hmmmm; maybe this guy isn't as dumb as I thought he was.

Kidding, PiGA. Sort of. Actually, his was a pretty fair question, I thought.

Puppy

LOL! Actually, the book about husbands I read was by Dr. Laura "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" so really, it was more about me than him. It pointed out how the womens movement made women take advantage of their men and expect them to act more like a girl friend than a man. It opened my eyes to the things I did wrong for our entire 5 years of M.

[praying_in_GA]

Oh, and one of the lines he used yesterday was "I knew you could never change." Man oh man did that one sting. He said he saw small things changing but has now seen HUGE leaps back to the woman he doesn't want. Ouch...just ouch. It took all I had not to cry and say YES I CAN!! I kept my mouth shut though. I am just going to have to work extra hard on it now. He is still here so at least I have that going for me.

[Coach]

Oh, and one of the lines he used yesterday was "I knew you could never change."

Listen up for these gems.

"I understand how you could see it that way. You actually don't know the changes I have made. The next time you want to accuse me of something I would appreciate it if you get the facts straight first. If you want to know what changes I have made just ask."

Listen for these words- you always/never/think/feel/believe. He's mind reading and it needs to be called out.

[praying_in_GA]

Thanks Coach!!

[praying_in_GA]

Ok, so he has made tentaive plans to go out to a bar with his single friends to a bar on Thursday. He changed our date night from Thurs to Tuesday. He also has plans to go to his friends house and watch the football game Saturday. I work Mon-Wed-Fri nights he has plans Thur and Sat.

Am I supposed to just say ok, have fun! It hurts that he doesn't want to spend more time with me at home. It seems to me that he would rather spend his time living the single life.

To be honest, I am hurt. He doesn't want to be home with his family unles it fits into his life. I am at work right now trying not to cry.

[TrentC]

Am I supposed to just say ok, have fun!

Yep, pretty much.

It hurts that he doesn't want to spend more time with me at home. It seems to me that he would rather spend his time living the single life.

But he came home, right? Coming home is just a step, not the whole journey.

You might need to give him some time and space to adjust to the new way of things.

To be honest, I am hurt. He doesn't want to be home with his family unles it fits into his life. I am at work right now trying not to cry.

You can't let this kind of thing get to you. If you do, you'll never be able to pull off doing the more difficult parts of this.

He's still in chaos and confused, and his words and actions will bear that out. Just be patient, and give him a reason to miss you. Maybe the next time he wants to change your date night, you should say "oh, I already have plans to go out that night".

[praying_in_GA]

Ok, if that is what I should do. It will be hard though. Just thinking about him being gone all the time makes me sad. I don't understand why he wants to go to the bars with single friends. I don't understand why he has to be gone when there is so much to do at home.

I was much happier at home alone. I haven't had one happy day since his return. He doesn't care or doesn't care to see the pain I am feeling. This is the only place I can let it out.