Yeah, me too, but . . . she's not dealing with an HD man, and that's the real issue. She can't just grab him, and if she woke him up at 4:00 a.m. he'd just be a grumpy guy with bad breath. No sexy times.
When you're in an SSM, you try to figure out why all women or all men are such-and-such, but of course they're not. And you look around at all the *other* men, or women, who don't seem to be anything like yours, and you wonder why. Of course, you have to remember that you're seeing the face those people put on in public, not the way they really are at home. You see your husband or wife intimately with their guards down. It's not the same.
In my case, I had something of an ally at my wife's place of work. She has a coworker who's her best friend. Technically, my wife is her superior, but they work closely and her friend is old enough to be her mother, so they're on pretty even footing. While we've been trying to sort out why my wife wanted no sex and I wanted it all the time, her friend was dealing with the same thing from the other direction. Her husband had lost interest among work, depression, anti-depressant side effects, and all the rest. Early in our process, when I didn't realize my wife was telling her Friend everything about our private life, her Friend was trying to warn her that she would push me away until we had a totally sexless, loveless marriage, and then when her libido came back at her Friend's age she'd reach for me and I wouldn't be there. It didn't have much impact at the time.
As they shared more, though, my wife began to realize that there were many parallels in our situation. I think it helped me in the end that she heard my side of the story twice, once from her husband, but then again from her Friend who she knew was not obsessive or unreasonable, and whose heart was breaking over being treated the same way she'd been treating me. It may have helped her to understand that it wasn't just that I was some pervert, or that all men are perverts, but that there are people, even women, who can't be happy in their marriage if their partner is withholding sex.
