I'm not talking about permission. I'm talking about making your decision with all the information. You seem to be telling me without actually wanting to come right out and say it that you haven't discussed your ideas about having affairs in order to gain experience with female sexuality and preserve your marriage.
I'm not the moral majority. If you and your wife want to have an open relationship, I'm fine with that. I'm about as libertarian as libertarians get, and your business is your business--until you choose to share it, which you have. The fact is that you don't know whether your wife would agree that your open marriage is a good idea. You don't even know whether she realizes she's in an open marriage. You assume that she *must* know and therefore must tacitly approve, but you don't know at all.
All I'm saying is that you're leaving a lot on the table. You don't know what your wife's reaction to the idea of you going outside the marriage for sex would be--you *think* you know, which is not the same thing. Believe me, trying to read my wife's mind was and is the biggest stumbling block for me. I realize you've been through a lot more of this than I have even now, but the fact that you're unwilling to tell your wife the truth tells me that you don't have her figured out as perfectly as you think you do. If you did, you could say "Here's how I know that she knows what's up and she's at least decided to tolerate it."
I was very defensive here, too, and if I'm less so now it's because I reminded myself that no one here is going to make me do anything. They're giving advice because I asked them to give me advice. But you're cheating yourself, and worse than that, if your wife *doesn't* really approve of what you're doing, then it's not sustainable. Either she knows and her resentment is building as we speak, or she doesn't know but will inevitably find out. Either way, on the day that the volcano blows, it's going to be uglier than the divorce you're picturing now.
Now, that may all be wrong. You don't know me and I don't know you. But you came here for advice and help and I have to try and give it for myself if not for you.
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I think anybody who sexually shuts off their spouse has NO RIGHT to expect their spouse to remain celibate for long periods of time against their will. So, basically, I'm in a situation where my wife would be upset if I try to have sex with a woman. And I should be more concerned about that than the fact that I have to remain celibate to make her not upset?
The tricky part of that is that we're not dealing with rights here. We'd like to think we were, but you can't have a right to have sex with a woman, because then she'd be obligated to have sex with you. Your right to have sex with her would, in effect, enslave her. She doesn't have the right to force you to be celibate, no. And your anger over that is clear and real. But if she wants to be celibate, she *does* have the right to do that. You made a deal with her, a contract in which you promised to have sex only with her. You and I may hate this, but there's actually nothing in that contract that says that she promises to have sex with you. It's implied, maybe, but what she actually promises is that what she has to give, she will give only to you and no one else. There's nothing in there that promises that she will always have something to give. The trap that you felt closing on you is that you didn't really want to go to other women--you thought that your marriage vows meant that you could always go to her. When she became unavailable, you were between a rock and a hard place. But you did have a choice.
1. You could improve yourself and your marriage until you won her back. You say you tried this, and it worked everywhere but the bedroom. I'm no judge, because I don't know what you did or didn't do.
2. You could end the marriage. If you really believed that she had broken her compact with you, this would be the logical decision. But it's messy because she treats you differently in sexual terms than the rest of your lives, and there's still a lot of good in your marriage that you don't want to throw away.
3. You could break your own vows and go outside the marriage. You could do this by explaining to her that you're going to go outside the marriage for sex as an alternative to divorce, but what you've written makes it clear that you're afraid she would simply divorce you in that case. Or you could sneak it behind her back and hope she never finds out. That's the course you've actually chosen, though you tried to tell yourself that you had an understanding with your wife.
That choice "helped" you in several ways. It let you go out and get sexed, and it sounds like you've had some genuinely good experiences that way. It also allowed you to preserve your marriage and the things you like about it. But it has also allowed you to avoid confronting your wife and continue to play the victim to her tyrant--you can tell yourself, and us, that she has forced you into this, and any despair you feel over these affairs is really her fault in the grand scheme of things, not yours. There's some truth to that, but not enough to really convince you. Your actions are your responsibility, and there's an undercurrent of guilt and self-abuse in your posts. This is not working for you.
You cite years of therapy and counseling, so let me ask you--what happened in your counseling sessions when you brought up the idea that you two could lead separate sexual lives, with you sleeping with other women and her having as little sex as she pleases? I'm guessing that idea didn't come up. Do you see how much the game has changed since those days in your marriage?
It's so hard to make these changes, and you're in a predicament where it's going to be harder for you than it was for some of us. But your writing makes it clear that you feel the need for a change even if you're not ready to do it (or even admit it) yet. What you're doing here is important. Keep writing about what you're feeling and what you're doing. And talk to Cinco more. He understands more of what you're doing. He had affairs and--correct me if I'm wrong, Cinco--he still hasn't ever told his wife about them. Yet he has been able to make things better in his marriage.
