First time poster feeling a bit lost

[MT21]

I've been too full for dinner, but always have space for dessert.

It doesn't sound too off to not want to deal with R, but be willing to deal with home repairs.

Nicely put Energiser, I agree.

Today has been awkward at times, I can see her wrestling with her emotions and the occasional deep sigh.. Its not comfortable to watch. It has to be a left over from last night(As predicted)

I however have just carried on if every things good and with the plan that was set in motion yesterday. And once again feel fairly upbeat. I have taken five for myself today on a few occasions just to collect my thoughts before speaking again. Not a bad trait I think

R talk, Taboo.

One day at a time, One positive step at time, be prepared for the negatives and stay focused... Easy!! ( I wish)

Once again thank you for your wisdom...

MT

[sandi2]

It doesn't sound too off to not want to deal with R, but be willing to deal with home repairs.

Oh, okay.....I was hearing it differently. See how different people's communication can be?

I'll get back later. Have a bad headache right now. Didn't want you to think I had forgotten you.

[MT21]

It doesn't sound too off to not want to deal with R, but be willing to deal with home repairs.

Oh, okay.....I was hearing it differently. See how different people's communication can be?

Sandii, You heard it right...

Saturday evening we talked again...and the Taboo R came up.

It descended in to an evening of cat fight and stupidity.
Neither of us slept, both of us crying, more her than me this time..But I was crying on the inside.

We did talk Sunday morning, and went to choose paint together.. even went to lunch at her parents.

But I feel like an outsider..it feels like I am no longer part of that life (my family's gone) and its just passing before my eyes.

I said I would fight for her, do what ever it takes...but it is torment, I love her dearly but she is WAW.

I thought of taking her to dinner on the weekend so that we could start to get to know one another again, but with the intention of keeping it light hearted and fun. But I am throwing fuel on the fire..

I feel so low and she must see that, but I don't know how to deal with this heartache. Shes always helped me through.

Should I also take the initiative and book the counselor, shes says she will to go, but I cant help thinking that the shes sees it as putting a tick in box before she makes the final departure.

She has a work evening(Christmas) coming up in 2 weeks time, I see the preparation already..New dress, shoes spotted in a local store, new makeup, eyelashes you get the idea, shes staying at a girlfriends house (confirmed)The possible outcomes of the evening are driving me crazy... I am expecting her to come home from this night or any other and tell me shes in a an R..

I cant stay in the house under those circumstances if she does. I am really not strong enough. I could possibly forgive her if I can come to terms with my own emotions, I would like to think I love her that much.

Trying to carry on fixing the house, have the week off work but even that is proving a strain emotionally, I can't help but think that when I'm done she put the sale notice up herself.

MT

[sandi2]

Hold on a minute. She is the WAW......so let her walk out that door. Don't you dare leave your home! Inform her that she is free to leave but she's not taking the kids with her. Besides, you said she travels all the time, so the kids would need to stay in their home. I don't think it would look appropriate at all for you to be to one to leave.

I'll talk to you more this evening.

[MT21]

Hold on a minute. She is the WAW......so let her walk out that door. Don't you dare leave your home! Inform her that she is free to leave but she's not taking the kids with her. Besides, you said she travels all the time, so the kids would need to stay in their home. I don't think it would look appropriate at all for you to be to one to leave.

Sandii,

Thanks for getting back so promptly,
I told her already on the weekend that she is free to leave, her reply I am not leaving the Kids.

The thing is I work about 80 miles away, I travel daily(This is partly the reason I feel so tired and to be honest have very little free time, I lost my job a few years back in a plant closure, so in order to keep a roof over our heads I agreed to travel) we both rely heavily on the MIL for support. Shes wonderful and thinks of me as her own son. She and my FIL are devastated by the news. FIL has put pressure on W to come to her senses it hasn't helped other than to make her feel guilty.

As I said I truly believe that she sees some sense in fixing up the house, so it can be sold for the best price.. clearing the debts etc... so even if she leaves with nothing she sees a fresh start.

She hasnt said as much but I guess thats it. Her income has also risen substantially over the last few years so I can also see why she sees it as a viable option.

(She sounds so cold)(I never thought of her in this way before)

MT

[MT21]

Quick question to Sandii,

I called her early in work, probably not the best thing to do but I found some things belonging to her whilst decorating and needed to know what she wanted to do with them, I asked her if she could talk first so I didnt seem pushy.

She answered yes, but then immediately after me asking the simple question she seemed to be abrupt and said she'd see me later. It felt like a snub.

I kicked myself for what could have seemed like pursuit.

However she called me back later this afternoon, and apologized for being short with me and said I'll see you later and how are things going. She seemed upbeat and pleased to talk.

How much should I read in to these nice exchanges.
Does it mean the door is not fully shut yet?

its quite confusing..

MT

[TrentC]

How much should I read in to these nice exchanges.
Does it mean the door is not fully shut yet?

its quite confusing..

MT

It is, and the answer is "not much". You can't interpret how she feels, because she doesn't know how she feels.

If you take every positive exchange as a sign that things are getting better and every negative exchange that things are getting worse, you will drive yourself crazy.

[MT21]

[/quote]

If you take every positive exchange as a sign that things are getting better and every negative exchange that things are getting worse, you will drive yourself crazy.
[/quote]

Already there!

I booked a table for dinner on Saturday, MIL offered to babysit.
I dont think its going work...In fact I am a dreading asking her now.

Especially now I already asked MIL.

MT

[Steve McQueen]

How much should I read in to these nice exchanges.
Does it mean the door is not fully shut yet?

Your asking this question says alot about your current situation.

You are not showing us or your wife someone who is strong, confident and able to survive without her. This is very important. It is important that you are an example of a man who is exactly that. Realize, your wife is feeling good about herself. She is moving up the company ladder, she is looking good, dressing nice, new men are paying attention to her and feeding her compliments on her looks and her mind(intelligence). She is getting quite a high off of this; then she comes home and your not the pillar of strength she is wanting. You are the same ol' same ol' and lately you are showing alot of weakness. You can name off a number of reasons why and they are valid reasons in your mind. However, your wife is moving onward and upward, she doesnt want to hear it or see it, she is wanting a man who is stronger, more confident, and capable of making her feel even better about herself.

I will be blunt with you. It is not until you rid yourself of this whiney, hurting, argumentative behavior that you will begin to start working towards seeing some different results. For all you know, and what is most likely the case, there is someone younger she is working with that has nothing better to do than hit on your wife and your wife has been eating this up and now it is all she looks forward to.

So, what do you need to do,

First, drop all these relationships talks you keep trying to have. You have no relationship worth talking about. You are discouraging yourself. You are discouraging her. You are wasting time and energy that could be better used working on yourself.

Second, grow a backbone. If its over its over. Not much you can do about that. If it is progressing downhill quick then it aint really worth depressing and hurting and fighting about. It is what it is.

I asked my daughter and her friends this question over the weekend, 'what do you when a boy dumps you?' These were the responses I got: 'I don't get dumped;' 'I'd dump him first;' 'I'd get a new boyfriend fast;' 'I'd be little sad then I'd move on and let him realize what he's missing.' Some good advice from a bunch of teenage girls, huh, costed me a couple of pizzas you can have it for free.

You all can say, its different when it a ten year marriage compared to a couple months of high schoolers dating. But it really isn't when one wants to get the hell out of the relationship. They were gone then; they are gone now. Actions not words still make the difference. Sitting around crying and fighting is not going to show them you are worth keeping. Being strong, confident and showing you are able to be happy with or without them will.

Third, your wife put you in the mirror. Take a good look at yourself. What personality traits and facets of your appearance shine? What behaviors do you need to change and where can you better your outward appearance? ATTRACTIVENESS. CONFIDENCE. Think of it this way when you first met your wife you were attracted to her, you looked and acted a certain way for her to notice you. Then you looked and acted another way for her to stay interested in you. In some way you were attractive to her. I'm pretty sure you didnt latch onto her ankle and held on until she walked up to an altar. You need to regain this attractiveness.

This whole process is counter-intutitive. Sometimes when you spend your time trying to be attractive to someone else, the actual result is that you become attractive again to your spouse. Something to think about later.

[MT21]

Youre right. Harsh but your right.

She has another confidence boost lately. The last few days although very pleasant and willing to talk around me, I see that she is moving on. She told me today that her boss told her how exceptional she was, and how well turned out she is.

She is living of those highs, nothing can stop her. I know that.

It doesnt make it easier.

For myself, Yes I am still reeling from the shock.
I have made v.positive steps. no drinking, no smoking, going to the gym, Shed 12 lbs (2lb off ideal weight now.)(I wasnt fat before but carrying some extra pounds i didnt need)

Shes sees it, and shes pleased for me.. But its kind of out of pity I feel. (maybe thats just me feeling sorry for myself)

I did ask her to dinner on Saturday night, Nothing to pushy just a chance to talk without R talk, 2 friends having dinner.

She went silent, asked a few questions, where, babysitting arrangements etc... Then nothing.

I told her later I would cancel the table, she said she would go, but it wasnt a comfortable yes.
I have left it with her for some more thought.. her move.

I am expecting her to say no, and now it feels so awkward I am not sure if I want a yes.

Steve, You are right she has moved on. It is a difficult pill to swallow.
Time to wake up I think.

MT