I was thinking why I want to engage in sexual activity with my x stbxH. The truth is, I am not attracted to him. The truth is that when I think of him naked, I get disgusted thinking of all the things I read from her. I know the word disgusted is strong but it is the closest I can think of in English to what I am thinking. All those emails decribing how he ... while she was doing him, her words "if what you whisper to me while we make love are true then I dont think it is possible for you to live with any other woman, but me", or "I am thrilled to make you go crazy when we make love" or "I want you to ...me and then..." etc etc. Too much info? Maybe. But if I didnt have this info I would be living in a lie thinking she was just an A. She was a lot more than that. She satisfied him in all ways.
Like it or not, this man, decided/felt I wasnt good enough for him, as a woman, as a lover, as a friend, as a person. And now? Now I have to believe that I am?
I may want to "try" sex with him to see how I will feel. It's been so long. We tried once and I remember he did something that was so out of "us" but he seemed really comfortable with it. Nothing big, a small change in the repertoire, which completely ruined evrything cause I sensed it was something he did with someone else. And we stopped, never went thru with it, I actually told him I felt nothing... I am talking months ago, before I had confirmed everything.
He spent so much time with her, loved her, was crazy about her, he left his kids and me for her. And now?
How will I be able to function? I am thinking I wont be able to ask for anything being afraid that it may remind him of her. I cant stand the idea of the comparison. I cant be confident knowing all the things he did with her that he didnt do with me for years.
Christmas is approaching and I am getting the urge to disappear away from him and what hurts me. Right when I "forget" myself, like this last weekend, a new wave of pain is coming thru me and completely throws me off balance. Today I tried to imagine how things could be in 2 years, lets assume we make it by then. I was trying to be positive and identify a goal that is away from the hurt. The emotions I got from this "exercise" were all bad. I cant imagine trusting him. I cant imagine ever being HAPPY with him. Plain happy. With no "ifs" and "buts" etc etc Feeling secure and safe as his wife. I can see me struggling day by day, facing nightmares and images of what has happened, pushing days to pass until I collapse.
