I am so sorry you are going through this. You are exactly where I was one year ago. My W first told me she was leaving me in October, then I found out in December she'd been having an affair for months. Of course she said the affair had nothing to do with why she was leaving! Standard WAS script. However, my W was actually (mostly) nice to me, unless of course I gave her any grief at all over what she was doing, then she ripped into me.
I wish I had laid down boundaries like you are proposing to do. I followed the philosophy of "outshine" the OP, and although I had some success with it, it didn't do the most important thing, which is establish RESPECT in her eyes.
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My plan is to start by telling him he needs to be open and honest and talk to me and get rid of this tough guy shell for the conversation. Then I want to ask him to tell me exactly what went wrong with us, since he hasn't told me yet. Then, I want to tell him that all I've been trying to do over the last month is be his friend so we can work on whatever issues we have and "try" to make this as amicable as possible.
If he's in the throws of an A, there's no point talking about your M, he's not capable of it, and it will just hurt and frustrate you. He will be completely negative. And DON'T say you want to make it as amicable as possible! That's the big mistake I made. Don't make this easy on him. He is betraying your marriage, his actions do not warrant an amicable response. You are right to lay down HARD boundaries.
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So basically I want to tell him if he can't be amicable to me, I don't want him near me, and he can go stay with his brother full time. That is going to be the hardest for me, but I know I have to be strong and do it. A month ago, he said his plan was to stay at his brothers a couple nights a week after daughter went to bed.
I can't stress this enough. Your best hope of saving your M is to get your H to RESPECT you again. He is treating you like crap. I'd go farther than what you propose. Don't give him the option to stay simply if he treats you a little better. He's having an affair! I'd say something like: "I will not live in an open marriage and I will not share you with another woman. If you insist on continuing your behavior, then I will help you pack your things and you can go live at your brother's." Tell him you know he wasn't honest with you about where he went on Thanksgiving. If he denies, and starts to lie, just say "Stop. We both know you're lying, and it's very disrespectful." If he asks how you know, say "That's not important. What is important is that you're not being honest with me."
You have to be calm and strong, and stick to your guns. He will probably get very angry. Let him. He's acting like a selfish brat, so treat him like one. Do NOT think you can sway him back by being nice to him. That will only make him lose more respect for you. The hardest thing for you to accept is that, at least for now, he's not your husband any more, and you shouldn't treat him like he is. He doesn't deserve your friendship, your compassion, and your patience. Deep down he knows he's doing a bad thing, and he feels insecure about it, but he's contructed this big tough guy act to try to protect himself. Take away his control. You want to make him feel like this is all spinning out of his control.
