Whoooooooooaaaaaaa!!!! You sound like you are trying to shoot yourself in both feet at the same time.
Don't tell him what he needs to do. It is what you would like him to do. Cut all the R talk. Don't push him on where he is staying unless you want him out of the house more. Do not grill him on what went on in the M -- he has no idea and he has no interest in working on the R with you right now. That is your own agenda. And, altogether, back the hll off. If you give him more space than he wants, then he will not have to be a sht to you to create that space. Ignore him, do your own thing, leave him alone.
Pick no more than a couple of simple points to make.
1) It is not OK for you to treat me poorly by being rude or mean. Either treat me decently or move out.
2) I know you lied about your recent trip. Please stop lying to me.
Now, fair warning about two things:
3) Given H's eager acceptance of your invite, I fear he may be very ready to spill the beans, call for D, and move out right away. If you don't want this to happen, you may want to cancel your date. Generally a WAS will avoid R talk like the plague unless they have feel that they have made a firm decision to jump ship. Of course, if you don't give them the opportunity to announce and act on the firm decision right away, they'll often find themselves floundering once again...
4) If you push him to confess, then this may result in (3).
Most of what you want to do in your talk right now is going to push H away and be very unproductive. Even a talk right now is not going to be useful. He isn't interested in your feelings. He isn't interested in working things out.
My advice would be to cancel your date and communicate via email so that you can control the content of the discussion and stop your emotions from turning you into a grovelling mess.
"Dear H,
I've thought more about it, and I'd rather use the babysitter time to do something fun on my own. So, I'll just tell you here what I wanted to say (much simpler anyway):
First, it is really not OK for you to treat me disrespectfully, with meanness and rudeness. I am not willing to live with someone who treats me so poorly. If we cannot be under the same roof and treat each other decently, I will ask you to relocate.
Second, I know you lied about your trip. I don't want to debate it or hear your excuses. I simply ask that you show me, our marriage, and our family respect by not choosing to continue to lie to me.
Third, I find it stressful not to know what days I'll have the house to myself. I'd very much appreciate it if you could let me know which nights you will be at the house and which nights you'll be elsewhere. We could use a calendar or you could just let me know by email.
So, that's really it. We can bypass the drama of having an unnecessary BIG TALK, lol. I'll get cash to pay the babysitter and pay her when I get home.
Ciao, Refusingtogiveup"
Send the email now, then spend some time making plans for tonight. Have fun and avoid H altogether if possible. And don't forget to pay the babysitter.
