You sound a lot like me, so I'm going to say some things to you that other people said to me when I sounded that way.
First, although it isn't going to make you feel a lot better, you have to understand that you can't completely take away pressure and expectations. The fact that you have to tell him there are no expectations tells him that there are. He knows what you want (I'm assuming there--but he does know what you want, right?) and he knows that you're hoping it will happen. The pressure stays on him. As long as the couple is trying to pass as "normal" and pretend there's no problem, most of the pressure and heartache falls on the HD partner. But once you try to do something about it, the LD partner feels most of it shift onto his shoulders. I used to get so frustrated (well, I guess I still do) with trying to take pressure off my wife. It's like asking someone not to think of a rhinoceros. You're picturing a rhinoceros right now, aren't you? That's the bad news. The good news is that the longer you stick with it, the more the pressure will ease for him. In the early stages the LD partner feels like he's trapped and being beaten up--like he's been given an ultimatum, and he's got to perform where he failed for years, or his marriage will end. It's not easy for them, but it's hard for us to see it at the time or sympathize much because we're angry and scared, too. As that eases, you'll begin to see more of this.
The only ways I found past this dilemma were time and focus on myself. Putting in the time sounds simple, but in practice it's hard to do, because you worry that you're wasting time on one more idea that won't work. This place is important for reinforcing what you're doing. The truth is I don't know to this day whether the ideas in the SSM book are all that magical, or whether what really mattered was that I picked an approach and stuck to it because I had a community here to help me and listen to my rantings. But by all means, come here and write about what's happening and what you're feeling, even if you think no one is reading it that day. Just do it anyway. The other thing that's important is to focus on yourself. Push yourself to do the "Get a Life" thing--go back to doing some things just because you enjoy them, especially things you've given up over the years. Do things to make yourself happy without your husband. Push the things you like about yourself, and work on the things you don't. The ideal is to get to a point where you're happy with your life and you want to share that happiness with him, not look to him to make you happy. You're probably tired of hearing that by now--I know I was--but it's true. You have to start treating him as one part of your life. A big part, but just one part, not the one who decides whether you're happy or miserable. It's hard to understand because we're all bombarded every day with the message that love isn't real if you aren't gasping with desperate obsession over your idol. We're taught that real love just happens, that some force outside you declares that You Will Be In Love With This Person, and then it is so. We're taught that you couldn't possibly end it if you wanted to . . . . but that's not true.
I don't want to give you advice on taking the lead vs. letting him take the lead. If he needs to be in the lead and you can handle that, then maybe that's what you should do. I will tell you what my own experience has been, though. I've been working for a couple of years now on taking the lead in my marriage, trying to "man up." I was thinking about this just a couple of days ago, actually. I really was controlled by my wife and I really did need to put the brakes on and take some of my life back. But at the same time, it's exhausting having to be constantly asserting your authority in a relationship. I want to get to a balance of give and take that makes sense for us. I think maybe that's what you're looking for, too. But a sensible balance in anything is always the hardest state to maintain.
(Two paragraphs of angry ranting about an upcoming discussion of a decision I've made have been deleted here--there's no point in putting them in your thread. Still don't have that balance figured out yet.)
