Trying to save my M. W not really trying though.

[Ready2Change]

Hey buddy,

Songs are amazing triggers. I feel them all. I have stuffed emotions. Crying during the sad ones, being angry during the angry ones, feeling free during others. What I found works is to STAY OUT OF MY HEAD... and balance (IE not all sad songs).

I have gotten to HAPPY alone. The key was to feel all the sadness and let it out. Feeling the sadness allows me to feel the "happiness of being alive".

I fill my loneliness bucket by GAL and interacting with everyone I encounter. I am alone when I CHOOSE to be alone. I cherish my alone time.

[sandi2]

And I don't know if I'd ever be able to completely forgive her for the A...it would always be in the back of my mind.

Don't try to get together then, until you know without any doubts you have forgiven her. It will rise to be the offender behind every wrong look, word, or deed in the MR after she comes back.....if you try to reconcile without being healed from unforgiveness.

I'm not sure I'd want to bust the divorce even if I could. For me to even consider reconciliation, it would take a HUGE committment and a lot of convincing on her part.

I understand what you are saying, but let me add this, okay? If you were to try to reconcile with this attitude, I don't think it will work b/c even though you have every reason to feel like you do, it takes work on both sides of the fense in order to make a go of it. If you sit back on your heels waiting and watching to see if she measures up to what you expect from her b/c of her WW, then the M won't make it. You may not understand what I am saying, but it really does take both of you doing some very unpleasant and/or humbling actions.

As far as you feeling that it will take you a long time to start over and have another family.........shoot, you are still young! You have plenty of years left to enjoy. Besides, I'd bet you wouldn't make it five years before you'd be M and have another baby!

[etrain]

Thanks for the kind words, R2C & sandi. I'm doing better today.

W texted me last night...asking how our S is doing since he's had a cold. Then said she's also really sick.
And she just called to say she's running a high fever & made a doctor's appt for herself. I might keep my S for the weekend if she's still sick. I got the feeling she was fishing for sympathy from me. I didn't give her any...just said I hope she's feeling better soon.
Living in an apt by yourself & being sick is no fun, I imagine.
Her choice.

[etrain]

Now I feel a little bad. W has the swine flu. I'll be keeping our S with me for a few extra days.

[etrain]

Journaling:
W has been contacting me more frequently over the past few days....even putting little LOL's and smiley faces in her messages. They've been mostly about our S but not entirely.

I'm staying dark, dark, dark...only discussing our S...and I didn't even respond to her most recent message.

That's it for now.

[etrain]

I'm wondering if W is starting to come out of her "fog" a bit. I called to speak to our S & she was asking a lot of questions about how I'm doing. W seemed to be prolonging the conversation...asked if I needed help Christmas shopping for my family...(she always did the shopping)...said she could shop for some of them or we could do it together.
Now this is a complete turnaround from the W who wanted nothing to do with me a few weeks ago. I was vague w/ my answers...said I'd be okay shopping for my family by myself...pretty much tried to steer the convo back to our son. And I ended the call, saying I had a bunch of "stuff" to do tonight. (I actually do.)
I'm assuming this is typical WAW script. Am I correct? I've been darker than dark since she moved out.

[etrain]

W & I divided up our Christmas decorations yesterday. No R talk...but we were both friendly and joking around w/ each other.
Maybe we're better as friends at this point. Not sure about her but I'm nowhere close to wanting a reconciliation.
BTW, I "kind of" have a date with an old college friend tonight.

[Lll54]

WWWWOOOOHHHHHOOOO!!!!!!

[etrain]

The "date" went well. We've been texting back & forth all day today & she's already interested in getting together again next weekend.
W & I are still being "friendly" towards each other...so I guess that's a good thing too.

[etrain]

W is asking if I want to go with her & our S to a "Breakfast with Santa" thing at her work. This is all so uncomfortable.
We've always taken him together. I don't really want to hang out with W...especially at her work where I imagine everybody knows what's going on...but I want to be there for my S.
I guess I'll go. Meh.