here we go again

[Jstar]

You are pusuing your divorce?

My h doesn't deal with anything, he just stuffs it down deep for it to erupt later on, thus partial reason why we are seperated.

hoping to get out of the appointment, the long road to reconciliation.

how am i supposed to show him in an appointment that i'm willing to change,? wouldn't that just be words not actions. we have no interaction, i'm going to try to just be calm, don't think i can be upbeat, nervous hell, he may not even show.

Give me some suggestions of what 180's can i do? we have no interaction at this time.

[bluerain]

I have been sep for almost 2 years, he had an affair, I tried for 18 months and he came to visit, slept with me for 8 days, shared my bed and my home, and on the day he was supposed to fly back to his duty station, he told me that the love just wasnt there. So... fine. I realized while he was here that he hasnt changed at all, he hasnt learned anything about himself, or marriage, and I dont really want someone like him around me, let alone as my husband. I am 27 years old, and I am ready to have a healthy relationship, start a family, take part in the "American Dream".

I think that my H did the exact same thing that your H did, and it was a big part of what happened to us.

When you would normally have big issue discussions in your M, how did you handle it? I think that a 180 for you could be to validate what he says, you dont have to agree with him, or admit hes right, you just have to show him that you recognize his feelings. I saw over in newmamas how you described calling him out in front of his family- I think that could be a welcome 180. I remember saying things to my H that Im sure made him feel emasculated, and I do look back on it and Im not proud. Its not about whether he needed to be called out on his lousy behavior, he was my H, and I shouldnt have made him feel that way. I wouldnt want to be talked to that way. Things like that should be handled privately. Maybe the meeting could be a chance for him to just voice what hes feeling- not that you wont get a chance too, eventually, if you arent arguing he'll run out of things to say!

Just some ideas.

You dont have to be upbeat at the meeting, its a pretty serious subject, but you do NEED to be calm and confident.

[Jstar]

it's gonna take everything for me to be calm, not get emotional and hold it together if he does show up. we first have to meet with the counselor seperately and then together.

i think i need to set some goals for me personally and i know if dr and db i'm supposed to look for small positive changes. i don't know.

i think in the short term i do want him to be tehre for the birth if he has been making progress towards reconcilliation. i don't quite know how to get there from this point. i'm dark and don't want to break the silence and pursue and pressure.

[bluerain]

It will take a lot, but you can cry later, what have these interactions been like so far? If they have been emotional explosions, keep them quiet and calm. Dont Tell him that you are going to change, simply change, just do it. The changes that you make should be positive things, changes that would make anyone a better wife/mother. Become more patient, kind, self-respecting, understanding.

Your meeting is in a few days, I think that you just need to plan on him showing up, of course he might not show up, but dont break your going dark streak! Act as if, as if hes going to show up, as if hes going to want to be at the birth. Has he mentioned it at all lately?

I think that a good goal for you would be to get yourself involved in some kind of social network. I understand that its tough right now, and this certainly counts on a level, but its proven that people with bigger social support networks are healthier, happier- they even catch colds less often!

[Jstar]

we havne't really spoken in days. the last time i brought up the birth he hung up on me. i'm sure its a very sensitive spot for him something about hispanic men and births of their sons.

he totally blew off one of the consequences i set. i gave him 2 times to show up, to pick up the rest of his things. last time we spoke he said he would come on such and such day and never showed. i know it had to do with what i was texting him. i wasn't nice and i know i hurt him. my d and i went to the backyard and starting cleaning it up but just got so overwhelmed with all his stuff there, me not being able to move or pick it up, we just went inside.

for me at this time i do want him to be there as my husband and family, not just because i'm the mother of his children. it will kill me for him to be there for the birth then rush off back to his normal single life.

[bluerain]

I can understand that, for sure. I do think that getting his things out of the house will help your peace of mind, but I realize that you cant really do that at the moment.

Im trying to think of a way that you could open up the dialogue about the birth without blowing your darkness. What if you sent him a text telling him that you wanted him to be there at the meeting so that you could talk to him about how you want him to be there at the birth... ooh, what if that was your boundary. I want you to be at the birth, but I cant have you there if you dont come to the meeting on thursday so that we can talk about it. That way you have set a firm boundary, stated the consequences of breaking it, and told him, clearly, what you want from him.

[Jstar]

well it's the eve of he's going to be flip out when my daughter is not at the exchange. i set a boundary last wed. that said if he could not pick up our daughter at the house allow her to sleep longer, rather have her be in teh cold at my work waiting for him to show up, i would find a place for her to do. i made that arrangmentment.

i got back in contact with one family member who loves our daughter dearly, she works at a daycare, she only has to be there for a few hours a day, i will know what my daughter does all day, diapers, food, played, won't have to see the h or his mother, and i'm hoping d2 will like going, plus my niece will be there with her.

the situation with my niece has been strained by h relationship, my h and her boyfriend would work together, apprently after we spoke today, my h has blown him off, owes him a lot of money, gee he owes everyone. i told her oh he's been paid more then likely and gave money for his precious truck and money to his parents, because i have not seen a single penny. i found out h took one of my credit cards months ago and charged it up, hid the bill for a few months, now that i have it, called him on a few weeks ago. h apologized and said he would pay for what he charged. huh, he has money to give to his parents, to his workers, pay for his truck but nothing in the form of support for his family-that is his wife, d2 and soon to be son. i'm really not shocked but just thinking, if he can lie about using my credit card, disrespect and blow off paying my niece's boyfriend, not give me any support money or help with household things that i can't do, what else has he lied about? i can only imagine.
my niece says to let teh credit card company know it was my h who charged teh card, did not have permission is not a user on my card, nothing and let the pieces fall where they may in teh fraud department.

i'm sitting her tonight since daugher didn't take a nap, niece was over for most teh day, daughter didn't want to miss anything so she's sleeping now, (funny silly thing she does) hmm maybe i should set some goals. i have a script to say to h about the birth, and if i ask myself, what will h be doing that would show me he was meeting my goal, i think i should write them down and have them handy.

[Jstar]

well d2 and i got up, drove to my niece's house, i dropped her off and came to work. h sent one msg. how is daughter? am I watching her or u take care of it? wow, hasn't seen her since tuesday, no contact or questions in almost a week and this is what he sent.

i think i'm fighting a loosing battle. Can anyone give me some hope, now i feel super crappy.

[TrentC]

well d2 and i got up, drove to my niece's house, i dropped her off and came to work. h sent one msg. how is daughter? am I watching her or u take care of it? wow, hasn't seen her since tuesday, no contact or questions in almost a week and this is what he sent.

That is pretty crappy, but you can't let it get you down. Your husband is going to say and do things that seem crazy to you, because you are committed to working on your relationship while he is not, at least no right now.

There are no guarantees; but he can come around, if you play your cards right. You have to be strong enough to see this through.

i think i'm fighting a loosing battle. Can anyone give me some hope, now i feel super crappy.

You will be fine, no matter how this turns out. Just keep in mind that your husband isn't thinking straight, and is hurting in his own way. If you can let this kind of thing roll off your back, you'll be in good shape to handle this.

[Jstar]

Thank you for the encouragement.

that's for sure he's not thinking or acting straight. i just get the feeling that i'm fighting a loosing battle. i know that this is just the beginning to a long road. i feel like i'm playing poker, don't show my cards, bluff my way through my bets.