PLEASE HELP! - About to completely LOSE IT!!!

[aflowergurlie]

Last Monday night - I heard H get home around 10:30 from the gym. I was already in bed and didn't see him.

Last Tuesday - In the morning when I was leaving for work, out on the kitchen table H had left for me my renewed car tag registration paper. The little sticker that goes on your license plate was missing. When I left for work I checked my license plate and saw that he had put the sticker on it for me. The reason why I mention this, is that 1) He has never done the registration renewals before. 2) He could have just left the registration paper with the sticker for me to put on myself. 3) When I was going through a stack of mail a day later, I came across his registration with the sticker still on the paper for his truck. So, it wasn't just a "he was doing his and just decided to do mine too kind of thing". And the registrations come together, not separately so it wasn't like he was just waiting for his to get in either. ...Just interesting.

I came home from church meeting and grocery shopping around 10pm to H asleep on the couch. I just put away groceries and went to bed.

Last Wednesday - H had just gotten home and was in garage cleaning out his truck when I pulled into driveway. I just went inside and put away dishes and did some laundry stuff. I went to my room to start getting ready as I had plans to meet a friend later. H had a couple of his gym buddies stop by to pick him up to go to the gym. I got ready and left.

I got home really late around 2:30am and H was gone (as expected).

Thursday - I went to housesit/catsit for some friends in the evening.

Friday - Housesitted/catsitted for day and night at friends house.

Saturday - I came home mid-morning. Could tell H still hadn't been home since Wednesday. Thought he would be gone til Monday. H must've taken day off work on Friday because he has always had to work on Friday after Thanksgiving. I just hung around the house and got some down-time in, gave myself a pedicure. Left house late afternoon to go get brow wax and to the tanning salon. Get a text from H "You going to be home tonight?". First text I've gotten from him in like 3-4 weeks now. I figured he was either 1) home or on his way home and trying to see if I was going to be home so he could have OW or other people over or 2) just trying to see what my plans were. I didn't respond because I was going to be home in like 15 minutes when I got the text.

It was like 5:30pm when I pulled in and H was home. H came out and said hi, then went to couch with tv on. I made dinner and H was semi-sleeping on couch. Told him there was food in the kitchen if he wanted. I went in my room to finish watching football game and eat. Went to kitchen and cleaned up. Then back in my room my phone was ringing and getting texted, so I was talking on the phone and getting ready to go out as well.

Just as I was about done getting ready, I went to kitchen to get some water and H was there making himself a plate of food. Looked at me with that look of "where are you going" but said "I know it's none of my business, but are you going to be home tonight?". I had started to walk away and turned around and said "Why does it matter?" H annoyed "Because I was just wondering if I'm laying around in my underwear is it going to matter." I just kinda smirked-laughed and walked away, not answering the question. Went back to my room and finished getting ready. Walk out of my room with H on couch, H looks at me with a little "checking me out" look. I just smiled and said c-ya and out the door I went.

Got home close to 1:00am. All the lights in the house are on. H is in office on computer with phone up to his ear and talking quietly. I went to my room to change and then went back out to kitchen for a snack. H got up and went to his room and closed the door. I went to bed.

Sunday - I was leaving for church meeting in the morning. H was on the couch sleeping (shirtless in his jeans, not his underwear, lol). I get home around noon and H is in his bedroom with door closed. I change and go back to kitchen, make myself some lunch and back to my room to watch a little tv while eating. H knocks on my door. Has a new protein shake flavor he wants me to take a sip of and try and guess what flavor it is. I obliged. I went back to kitchen to clean up my lunch dishes and H says "I rented a movie last night if you want to watch it." Then a few other friendly interactions about cell phone bill stuff and he also offered to front me money for a new cell phone.

I left and went to his parents house to bring them a few items that were theirs and that they wanted back/needed to use. Funny that I was going to HIS parents and he has neither talked to nor seen his parents since they have been down. It is really wearing on H's dad. H's dad has never talked to me like he has been with real emotion showing on the whole situation.

Then I had a fun girls make-up party to go to. I didn't get home til around 7:00pm and H wasn't home. His work shoes were missing so I figured he must've went to work. Around 1:30am I was in bed but I heard him get home.

I had many ups and downs over the last week. It's been a struggle keeping my emotions in check and not allowing depression/sadness/loneliness to take over and control my actions. I found myself at some really low points of missing him badly. But it seems like I always ask myself Why? What is it that I'm missing right now? when that happens. Then realize that so much was missing from our R and my needs were never met. It was always about trying to rescue him, make him feel better, trying to fill him up. In my future lies the possibility for a great R with someone who appreciates me for me and who will love me and treat me with dignity, loyalty, faithfulness and honesty in all things. I can't wait for that day to come when I do finally meet that person.