Pls help--confused and fearful

[P17]

Can you explain the cake eating, caring and chasing you were talking about?

There is a good article (that I seem to tell everybody about!) about detachment that has really helped me: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/ - it explains how to detach and what it means and doesn't mean (detaching doesn't mean you don't care).

Cake eating - he is effectively getting his cake and eating it. He has a caring loving wife. He has kids. He has a home. He has a life with you. He has OW. He get's to be the bad boy with her. He get's to be the daddy and husband with you. He has an affair and the excitement and secrecy that brings. etc.

He has the best of all worlds. If we are all honest, I think most of us would quite like a life that was above with no guilt, pain or consequences. That is what your H has.

I have been trying to be caring in spite of how hurt I am about learning of the A. I end emails with a Take care, have a nice day, have a safe trip, etc. I drop the email convo when he gets sarcastic.

I'm in two minds whether to drop the email conversation when he get's sarcastic. He is doing it to get back at you. Best thing you can do when somebody is trying to get at you is ... to ignore it. Respond to his emails, ignore the bad points or validate them even, if they are important enough.

But, I feel the OW has access to him everyday and is stroking his ego. Don't know how to out-do that. With the Harley site, I think his need is admiration...

My view on this is that you can't out-do it. No way. Won't work. Stop trying to as it will look like needy and pursuing.

One thing you have to remember in all of this is that he has known OW through the A for 5 minutes. He has been with you for 20 years. 20 years is an awful long time. You have already out-done her, if you want to look at it that way, before you have even started.

Love isn't about a quick one here and there, the grabbed kiss, the secrecy, lies and deceit. Love is about shared memories of the kids growing up, your first holiday, your wedding day, caring, understanding, making love (note that's not sex).

I did the Monday meals for probably 6 wks and it didn't seem to have a positive or negative effect.

How about not doing them suddenly - will that have an effect.

H did in the beginning tell me that I deserve to be happy and find someone who can love me better.

I'm sure he did. That's called alleviating his guilt and putting himself down as he has been 'bad'. Ignore it. Remember one golden rule - listen to nothing of what he says and only 50% of what he does.

He will also say a whole lot more to you than that. Ignore it all as most of it will be designed to hurt you and alleviate his guilt. And trust me, he has guilt by the bucket loads.

I just hate how H has moved on so quickly but now understand it's because of the OW. I feel like a ghost.

It looks like he has moved on so quickly as he is 'in love' with OW. You need to accept that. It's love in the traditional sense with those chemicals running around the brain. Two things though - real love, like the love you and H had / have, is built on friendship, caring, children, future, trust, respect; OW love is built on lies, deceit, secrecy, guilt, pain and hurt. Which one do you think you would rather have?

To compare you with my sitch. If my W had moved on so quickly, why was she still around here 1 - 2 times a week to spend time with my D, snooping in my house, asking D if Daddy had a girlfriend etc. etc. Ask yourself the same question - if H had moved on so quickly why was he coming around for meals etc.?

Answer is, because they haven't moved on. They SAY they have. But remember again - listen to NOTHING of what they say (I have moved on) and only 50% of what they do (they come around for meals - that's not moving on behaviour).

It's going to be hard to act all happy around H next time I see him after how deeply wounded my soul feels. He's pretty angry and it feels like he wants to use any opportunity to hurt me. Like he is blaming me for his sitch w OW.

Ahhh, but you see it IS your fault, isn't it? Just like it's my fault, newmama's fault, etc. It's ALWAYS our fault. You need to understand that. He will blame you for EVERYTHING. and I do mean EVERYTHING. Because you drove him into the arms of another woman ... it's script.

He does this because he feel a huge amount of guilt. When you are hurting, what do you do? You lash out at the one closest to you to try and make them feel as bad as you by blaming them for things. If you shift the blame from you to somebody else, you will feel better. Again, it's human nature. Nothing you can do about it. Listen, validate and let is wash over you. Easier said than done. Takes practice and self-discipline.

Our daughter learned that he watches her own FB page like a hawk and says he is "stalking" her. She puts everything we do together on there.

Of course he does. Human nature. He doesn't understand why you are having such a fantastic time without him. You should be a broken woman.

Maybe you want to consider removing him as a friend from D's FB? And his sister from yours?

You mentioned NC didn't work in your sitch. How long had you been doing it?