First time poster feeling a bit lost

[MT21]

It doesn't sound too off to not want to deal with R, but be willing to deal with home repairs.

Oh, okay.....I was hearing it differently. See how different people's communication can be?

Sandii, You heard it right...

Saturday evening we talked again...and the Taboo R came up.

It descended in to an evening of cat fight and stupidity.
Neither of us slept, both of us crying, more her than me this time..But I was crying on the inside.

We did talk Sunday morning, and went to choose paint together.. even went to lunch at her parents.

But I feel like an outsider..it feels like I am no longer part of that life (my family's gone) and its just passing before my eyes.

I said I would fight for her, do what ever it takes...but it is torment, I love her dearly but she is WAW.

I thought of taking her to dinner on the weekend so that we could start to get to know one another again, but with the intention of keeping it light hearted and fun. But I am throwing fuel on the fire..

I feel so low and she must see that, but I don't know how to deal with this heartache. Shes always helped me through.

Should I also take the initiative and book the counselor, shes says she will to go, but I cant help thinking that the shes sees it as putting a tick in box before she makes the final departure.

She has a work evening(Christmas) coming up in 2 weeks time, I see the preparation already..New dress, shoes spotted in a local store, new makeup, eyelashes you get the idea, shes staying at a girlfriends house (confirmed)The possible outcomes of the evening are driving me crazy... I am expecting her to come home from this night or any other and tell me shes in a an R..

I cant stay in the house under those circumstances if she does. I am really not strong enough. I could possibly forgive her if I can come to terms with my own emotions, I would like to think I love her that much.

Trying to carry on fixing the house, have the week off work but even that is proving a strain emotionally, I can't help but think that when I'm done she put the sale notice up herself.

MT