WAW and 4 kids

[tryingtilDorR]

I am not sure what hit me, but this weekend I have been having some new thoughts.

For some reason, I know my life will improve a lot over the next year. I feel like I am ready for a new beginning or something. Maybe it is the job prospects I am looking at that are making me think this and also looking back at how horrible the past 12 months have been (it can only get better?).

Even though I am sure that a better future is in store for me, I can't see it happening with my W in the picture. It is hard to visualize how life could be better with her in the mix in her current state - she doesn't want to be married to me, doesn't even sleep in the same room as me, and has an OM that she still had an EA (at least) with and still talks to. Even if there are no changes in our M, I know my life will be better going forward, but it could even be better without her.

Maybe it is some of the anger I feel over her behavior from the last year eating away, and the thought of how nice it would be to be 'free' of this. I can do a lot to address this on my own I realize without going through a D, but it will always be there as long as W has no interest in R and continues to disrespect me by talking to OM (even if it is just 'once a week or so').

For whatever reason, I want out now. I feel like I need to move on since I know this isn't a R that I want to be a part of any more.

I feel guilty for thinking this because of my kids and because I made a commitment before God. I don't have an OW either, but I now can see that if someone walked into my life it would be easy to get involved with someone if I let my guard down. Previously I couldn't even considre this given how distraught I was over losing my W and M and wanting to preserve my family at all costs, no matter how much pain I was in I was going to 'stick it out' until she woke up.

Emotions can turn on a dime I am realizing, but I feel like I am in a new place. I can certainly CHOOSE to continue to try to hold out hope that our M will be restored, but I don't know if I am going to make that choice any more.

Scary stuff after a year of 'holding on' in one form or another.