SillyOldBear, I've done what I've done. I'm coping as best as I can, and everything I've done I've done only after a lot of weighing the options. And I decided, whether the great moral majority agree or not, that it was impossible for me to be celibate for many years. I decided that I would rather deal with the consequences of sex outside my marriage than a continuing celibacy.
As for having permission to have an affair, you're free to think of it that way. I don't, and can't force myself to feel that I'm under any system of obligation. My wife was never given permission to end our sexual relationship either. And so, sure, two wrongs don't make a right. But it's because I want to be sexual and my wife is clear that she doesn't want a divorce that I've made the decisions I have. And the clear experience that being celibate for years, while undergoing marriage therapy, did NOT result in any sex whatsoever.
My best guess is that my wife is not interested in sex at all, and is sexually aversive even, partly due to near trauma of my constant badgering her for sex when she was not interested. Our relationship has improved greatly now that I don't ask for it anymore. But it's been that way for years now, and she's not even hinted that she's interested in sex, or even hinted that she might be in the future. Sex does not exist for her.
I think one of the mistaken assumptions in a lot of therapy and books, and forums like this one, is that ANY WOMAN CAN BE MADE TO WANT LOTS OF FULFILLING SEX IF ONLY SHE WERE WITH THE RIGHT MAN, OR HAD THE RIGHT HORMONAL BALANCE. And yet we hear that lack of sexual desire is the most common complaint among women, and that there is no magic blue pill for women, and that nobody fully understands women's sexuality. Does anybody see any giant inconsistency in this set of logic???
I would say that a big mistake in our course of therapy was the assumption, even by the therapists, that there was something WRONG with my wife for not wanting lots of sex after her husband (me) worked hard on his issues and resolved them.
You have to understand that my wife and I have been on numerous "romantic" vacations, where I put no sexual pressure on her, and we both enjoyed lots of activities -- walks on the beach, fine dining and wining, holding hands, dancing, and sharing a bed in a fancy hotel. But NO INTEREST IN SEX ON HER PART WHATSOEVER. NONE, period. And it's been that way for about 10 years now.
So I have to laugh when people suggest patience, and to try this and that, and how I should remain celibate, and did I get permission to go outside my marriage. What, you expect me to keep doing this for a couple more decades? At some point, I'll be dead of old age. At which point, where is the honor in having been celibate for the rest of my life just because somebody else didn't think I had permission?
I think anybody who sexually shuts off their spouse has NO RIGHT to expect their spouse to remain celibate for long periods of time against their will. So, basically, I'm in a situation where my wife would be upset if I try to have sex with a woman. And I should be more concerned about that than the fact that I have to remain celibate to make her not upset?
