I'm feeling pretty sad today. We just had 5 days in a row w/ no work, and didn't get anywhere near ML.

We did get in bed last night (undressed) and just cuddle for a while. I told him it didn't matter if things "happened" or not - and I meant it (although of course I *hoped* something would happen.) I told him, "no pressure, no expectations" - I'm trying to let go of the whole thing, back off, not be so clingy. But it's so hard. I want to grab him and rub myself against him and do things to him until he can't stand it and we end up ML. But I know that's a bad idea - what if, no matter what I do, he just doesn't get aroused? I don't do this, because I don't think I can take much more rejection.

It really sucks, too, to be a female in this culture where we're supposed to let the man lead, let it be his idea, etc. I feel like, it's okay for them to say what they want openly and pursue women, but we women, we could love somebody and want him to the point where it's killing us, and we STILL have to be quiet and demure and wait for him to make the first move. If we do anything else, we're "clingy" and "demanding" and "too obvious", etc. Have you noticed how all the relationship books in bookstores are addressed to women? It's "Women Who Love Too Much." There is no counter-book called "Men Who Don't Love Enough."

I'm trying to get to a point where I can let go....I'm re-reading some of the books I have about recovery and codependency. In the past, I've been one of those people who's afraid if I don't take matters into my own hands and force the issue, nothing will ever happen. Trying to "let go"....trying to back off from him, not rub up against him, not behave amorously, pretend I don't care if he wants me or not - this is almost impossible. I'm just not good at pretending and hiding my feelings.

I wish I could know for sure if we're ever going to be happy together again. I wish I could know for sure if my love and sex life really is over. If so, I could go through the pain - grieve, mourn, etc. - and then just get ready to be an old lady. Not knowing what's going to happen is just about killing me.

Lost, I'm SO glad you turned up here! I need another woman like me to talk to. Part of the problem is that I haven't been able to talk to anybody about this.