Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Looking for input. Was reading "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" today and read the section on showing appreciation. I was considering writing a short note of thanks to W for letting me have the girls all day on Thanksgiving.

Nothing elaborate. Just a "I wanted to say thanks for letting me have the girls all day on Thanksgiving. They had a great time at Taylor's house."

And leave it on the table at our house when I see the girls after school.

Is that pursuing?

[antlers]

Looking for input. Was reading "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" today and read the section on showing appreciation. I was considering writing a short note of thanks to W for letting me have the girls all day on Thanksgiving.

Nothing elaborate. Just a "I wanted to say thanks for letting me have the girls all day on Thanksgiving. They had a great time at Taylor's house."

And leave it on the table at our house when I see the girls after school.

Is that pursuing?

Yes.

[ClingingToHope]

One thing I do not think I did well in the M was show appreciation. So wouldn't showing appreciation be a 180?

[Gardener]

^^^Ditto. Don't do it.

[antlers]

One thing I do not think I did well in the M was show appreciation. So wouldn't showing appreciation be a 180?

Lots of us didn't show appreciation in the marriage. But, now is not the time to do what you're asking about. It will be seen as pursuing by her. So, don't do it.

[Coach]

I think it's OK to say thanks and that you appreciated the time with the girls. Manners are never out of style. Change the phrasing so in sounds less "pursuing."

"I really enjoyed the time with the girls on Thanksgiving. I appreciated the you working that out with me."

Just say thanks (heartfelt) and no expectations.

[awest1217]

I don't see anything wrong with saying thank you when our spouse's do something nice. In school when a student does something good, you praise them so that the positive changes continue. Saying thank you so letting wife know you noticed her sacrifice and change and that you appreciate it. There is nothing wrong with that. You have to be around W the rest of your life. Either it can be pleasant and you can mutually respect one another or you can be mean. Saying thank you when W let you have the girls on your first holiday apart is awesome for her to do and shows some real respect for you. Go ahead and say thank you!

[ClingingToHope]

I think I'm going to adopt Coach's wording and leave the note. Thanks for the input.

[mishka422]

CTH......

Just a note of caution....

You say that she will take on most of the family debt in the D. Don't count on it. Don't even count on half. Even if it is awarded that way you have no guarantee that she will follow through on actually refinancing it into her name only or paying any of it. Until it is at least refinanced to her name alone then you will still be on the hook for it no matter what the D decree says. Got it?

This is the voice of experience......although our decree states what xh pays and that he is responsible for half of the debt, he can not get credit in his name alone to take over his half of the debt so I am stuck with it and will never see a cent for it. I'm in the process of deciding about filing bankruptcy because of him. Be prepared.

[ClingingToHope]

Mishka, thanks for the response. I've kind of already accepted the fact I may have to file for bankruptcy. The big thing is her retirement plan. We gutted mine to finish the basement after a flood in 2007. So it's worth $9k. Her's is likely worth about $40k. It basically comes down to whether she can file a QDRO and get the $15k difference out now.

If she can't and I have to wait until she retires, then it's likely bankruptcy because no bank will lend her the money and no credit card company will give her enough credit.

Part of me wonders if that's why there's been no filing. Perhaps her attorney -- she had one lined up in early October -- painted the picture for her.