Question

[ClingingToHope]

Hey, how are you doing?

[Lucky11too]

Hope your thanksgiving went well! How did the tubes go?

[awest1217]

Not too much detail, but things are going really well. H and I had a really bad yet good day on Friday when S got his tubes. OW called to check on S and to say she was going to buy S jeans. I got really upset and that just set everything off. I told H everything I have been saying on here, and he just reassured me and let me know I was wrong. He told me everything and did not try to hide anything. I even checked his phone and got mad about some texts he sent OW, but he didn't get mad or anything. He said he understands that he is going to have a lot to prove when he comes home. He said he wants to be home before Christmas. He said how he is scared that his mom is going to get him a bunch of stuff for living on his own for Christmas and he said that he does not want that. He does not want to live alone anymore. He said he does not want to be with OW because she is too "high maintenance". He said right now he is not coming home because he wants to make sure he does not have any feelings for OW before he comes home because that is what I deserve. There was a lot in the conversations, but everything was great! H stayed even after we talked for a while, and came over for a bit on Saturday. He helped put up the outside lights because my sister was still gone and he didn't want me on a ladder with no one there. He then stayed for a little while and we just hung out with S. We have been texting just fun stuff all weekend and really starting to get along. He now knows exactly how I feel and he said it was good because otherwise he would have come home in a few weeks thinking I was over everything when I am not yet. He knew I wasn't but I wasn't acting that way.

I am still being a little cautious, but H really is changing and is proving it! Am I falling head over heels...no, but we are starting to become friends again, which is better than anything else right now. Plus I have hope again and really do believe he is going to leave OW for me. He said he has to make sure he is completely over OW and ready to cut her out completely. He doesn't want to come home and not do that because it would ruin everything again.

S is doing much better! The tubes went great. He had a hard time with the anesthetic, but once that wore off he was great! He is even sleeping in his "big boy bed". Between feeling closer to H and his ears not hurting probably for the first time in months, he is finally feeling safe again. It is so wonderful and I am looking forward to an awesome reconciliation.

Through everything this weekend H keeps talking about buying me all these "christmas presents" no talk about our anniversary, but I also am not bringing it up because that is something I really want to see what will happen. Next weekend I am planning on making christmas cookies. The next weekend maybe ice skating with friends, and the next is our anniversary (hopefully good things, but who knows), but finally Christmas the weekend after.

[ClingingToHope]

That was pretty nervy of OW to call and say she's going to buy your son jeans. Did you tell her where to stuff those jeans? What did H say about that?

[awest1217]

First she called H, and I only knew because I heard her voice. He said he didn't know it was her or he would have ignored it. He was on the phone with his mom talking about S when she beeped in and it didn't show the number because he was on the phone (mine does that sometimes too so I believe him, plus he knew it would make me mad and wouldn't do that because he ignored her a lot the past two weeks and even did more Friday night).

He said she knew that I couldn't get out and he was going to pay her back. S fits best in Old Navy jeans and they were super on sale so he said she thought since neither of us could get out with S getting the tubes that she would. I said I didn't care and that he was my son and I would take care of him. He is not her kid and she should not be taking care of him in any way. That is what started the R talk, and I brought up how he gave our S a kiss from him and her on Father's Day, and he said things have changed a lot, especially in the last month since he really has been trying to change and reading the books. He told me everything and didn't hide anything, which is a first. He kept saying how he wants to get home soon and divorce is not an option.

I am not going to be able to accept the jeans by any means and I have thought about writing her and telling her what is up, but that would ruin the progress with H. I just need to let her alone and focus on us. As long as H really does completely give her up, I need to give it up too. We talked a long time about that and how I can't stand her and all of it. H took it all in and never once came back at me or anything. He didn't defend himself or her. He just answered the questions and took in the "beating", although it was all about how insecure I feel and how I don't trust anything, so not really a "beating". A real change.

[Lucky11too]

What great progress these couple of days. It's good that H understands your concerns and is trying to address them. Also good that he understands that coming home with an R still with OW is intolerable and that he is being so open about their relationship.

That was very courageous of you to stand up against OW buying S jeans. That was inappropriate of her (probably just trying to win H back), but you handled it well.

Regarding your anniversary, I know you want to wait to see what happens, but it's going to be hard not to feel completely let down if he doesn't do anything. (I know people talk about detachment, but it seems to me that when you are in these rebuilding stages, you need to be a little more open then that). Just really try to prepare yourself b/c he may just not be ready to celebrate it yet. And just continue to take joy in the successes he is making! =)

[BeginningAgain]

I am very happy for you in the progress you are making. You are right to keep the focus on the two of you and leave the OW out of it. Don't give her power in your R with your H.

Remember, your R with your H did not deteriorate overnight, it was the culmination of months and and maybe years. It will take a significant amount of time to rebuild it as well, the road will be filled with many ups and downs. Enjoy the "ups" and be prepared for the "downs" so that they don't set you back and derail you on your journey towards full reconcilliation. Also do not settle for anything less than what you deserve in this R with your H. Settling now will result in resentment later.

S4H

[awest1217]

Yesterday H asked if he could do anything after work, so I said I needed balloons for work today. He said he would get them. Then I let him know if he did get them not to ring the door bell because S had been asking for him and unless he was willing to play with S for a while, it probably would be best for him to just drop them off on the porch. H bought me some balloons and S some jeans and a jacket for next spring. It is like his jacket so S can be like daddy which he has been doing more and more of without being around H much. Scary...

I text H later at night and said thank you for everything and that I hoped he slept well and felt better (head ache...it is finally getting cold and he gets bad sinus head aches. I had one today). No text back, which is no problem and so far today no contact at all. No problem because I know he has a lot to think about. There is another girl he calls or texts once every other month that he talked to on Sunday who I have no clue at all who she is. I just know the number is from Missouri and her name is Carrie (my brother called the number for me this summer). Otherwise I know the calls started two summers ago and that is about it. Also the first major snow is supposed to be Thursday into Friday with more coming on Monday and Tuesday. He said he wanted to be out of the place he is living by snow fall because the owners will have him shoveling perfectly and he hates to shovel (they are trying to sell the house which is why he gets to live there for free. He just has to take care of it better than he did ours. Really has made him think). So what I am saying is I figured this would happened sometime soon and expected it. There is a lot happening at once and really he finally is having to decide. The place he is living is drafty and so he is always cold. Plus he will have to shovel more sidewalk and driveway than at home and not wait. He will have to do it right away or the owners will get mad. Plus the holidays. I understand he is probably thinking and reading.

On my end, it has been a rough night. S is really fussy. He has had much more energy since the tubes as I said before probably because he finally feels better after months of constantly having a slight or major ear infection. He is sleeping in his own bed, although he won't fall asleep there. He has to have me hold him to go to sleep so he hasn't fallen asleep until 9 instead of 8 which is normal. So the fussiness is probably being overtired from not sleeping enough and running around more than he had been. Plus tonight he complained his ear hurt and screamed when I put the drops in...more doctor calls...the surgery was supposed to stop that!?!?!? He cried a lot tonight and all weekend he saw daddy pretty much every day so I think he is starting to miss him. He cried he wanted "daddy up". He just wanted to have H hold him. So between the overtiredness, possible hurting ear, and missing H, he is extremely fussy. I put him to bed about 15 minutes ago, and now he is at least resting. I am going to relax in a bath then if he is still awake let him come down to watch the "dancing show" with me.

So no complaining. Just a long night, but it comes with the territory.

[awest1217]

H did text me this morning. Just a normal..have a good day, hope you slept well...blah blah blah. For those of you who think I have completely changed in my focus towards my M. I haven't. H saying he wants to be with me and wants to be home before Christmas. I like to hear it. It gives me hope. However, I have learned from many many experiences that H talks a good talk, but never walks it. After hearing it, I was just waiting for things to "get back to normal". I knew he would not keep up the coming over, calling, and texting. It is too much work for him. Last weekend and the past couple of weeks, we worked into his "codependence". We needed him. I was sick. Then S was sick. The holidays. The tubes. Decorating for Christmas. Now things are back to normal, or at least he thinks that. I am loosing my voice due to having a cold. S is complaining his ear hurts and is crying again at night because he misses H. We always need him because he is a missing part to our family. He just doesn't necessarily see it that way.

I am still committed to my M. Like I have said before, we will see what the first of the year brings. I am feeling better though about things, which is good. I think him leaving again (very quickly), not having time to process, getting sick, the holidays. It just all got to me. I learned last weekend by setting up the tree by myself and decorating with just S that it can be ok to do it by myself. I even put up everything as if H was home. Our wedding ornaments, his stocking, his nutcrackers (been getting one each year since he was a baby), everything.

Looking forward to a quick day and getting this week over. The first snow is scheduled for tomorrow into Friday. Saturday is Christmas cookie baking. Next week I am taking Wednesday off so S can see the dentist and having the day to get things done like grocery shopping, maybe some christmas shopping, etc because my weekends are full. Next weekend is S's friend's b-day party. The next weekend is my anniversary weekend so I hope H is home, but if not maybe ice skating or something fun to keep my mind off of it. Then Christmas. Busy, Busy, Busy!

[Lucky11too]

It's definitely hard to trust somebody when they repeatedly talk the talk but won't walk the walk. It's hard b/c with hope, you can open yourself up for hurt again. But I don't think it's blind hope for you right now - H has now repeatedly made steps to show you that he is changing and has been following thru with them. Now that things are back to "normal", it will be a good test to see if they continue (but helping you out with the balloons and the texts seems like a good continuation). We all go thru moments of questioning what we want, especially when everything seems to be crashing down around us. It's good to see you have your spirits back up now though. =)

Although I know it's not what you wanted by any means, it just really speaks to your strength on how you were able to pick yourself up and tackle all the christmas decorations on your own! =) That was good that you put up H's things too, since it seems like he wants to be home by Christmas, I'm sure it's a good reminder that he has a nice warm home that he is welcomed into.

Good luck with the snow. Living in So Cal, I've never gotten to experience it before. I'm sure I'm not missing anything with the shoveling, but I can only imagine the beauty of the first snow. It definitely makes it feel like the holiday's, I sure. (And hopefully it will get H into action as he lives in his cold drafty house!) But glad to hear that you're keeping busy! Sounds like you have some fun things coming up! =) I'll continue to pray that H continues on his journey of change and can step up for your anniversary (but if not, ice skating sure sounds fun!) Have a good rest of the week. Hope the progress continues!