As far as what to tell your W.....if it wasn't for already agreeing to the amount you would, then I would say to not give anything that was not considered for the children. Forgive me if you said, but I don't have your thread pulled up right now, so I can't remember......are the two of you sharing equal time with the children or what? Is she buying their things with what you send or are you purchasing what they need? The down side to this is that it might appear like you are trying to go back on what you originally told her. What was her reaction when you told her how much you would send her?
How do you think she would react if you talked to her and told her your problem with income? Since she makes more than you, she surly knows it is a struggle, however, depending on how mad she is toward you or what her lawyer tells her, is the way she'll go.
If she really doesn't "need" your financial help, then I don't think it would benefit the M, or postpone the D, by you stopping the financial help. I think that is what you were originally asking me (lol), sorry, I get side-tracked. In other words, if you are wanting her to feel the crunch or how things would be after a D, I am not sure this is the way to do it. Would have been if you hadn't agreed to do it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It wasn't a very clear question was it? Here's a question with a little more clarity. My lease is up at the end of January and I've been avoiding R talks. After some depressing talks in October I thought for sure she would have filed by now.
If it's mid January and there's been no R talk and no more D talk, do I just re-up the lease again (six months) without saying anything to W or should I call and say my lease is up and we haven't talked and money is tight and I was wondering what's next for us?
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I assume you are talking about the lease on your apartment?
I know you said money was tight, however, if you ask her what is next for the two of you....b/c you need to know what to do about the lease, that gives her 100% control and it makes you look very weak in the eyes of the WAW. I don't mean that in an offensive way and I can sympathize with the money issue, but the mind of a WAW can be very different than that of a LBH. Even though your W is not talking favorable about having a future with you, the least thing that makes you appear to be needy can really be a huge turn-off to her. I don't know if you ever discussed your financial circumstances with her or not, but she surey knows what it is! She knows what you are giving her every month and how much your salary is, so she should realize how tight things are for you.
I think you were asked by another poster if you could move back into your home, but I can't remember how you responded to that. Just as a way of throwing some ideas around....what would happen if by the end of December you told her you could no longer afford to pay her and pay for the lease on your apartment....therefore you would be moving back into your house.
Since she was the one who did not want to remain in the M....she can find a place to live if she doesn't want to stay with you. That is giving her a two weeks notice....right?
BTW, when you do move back into your home....be sure to take back your marital bed. If she doesn't like it, tough. She can find some place else to sleep. Oh, she'll have a fit when you start to put your things into her room and when she asks what you're doing, you calmly tell her you are moving into your bedroom. You will have to stand tall b/c she's going to show you what she's made of. What can she do about it anyway?
Unless there is some weird law there that would keep you out of your home, then I don't know how she could stop you from moving back.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey sandi. If you have time, could you stop by my thread and check out a post I had on Tuesday that gave a blow by blow of my conversation with my W from Monday evening. Gist of it was she agreed to go to MC and agreed to be open to reconciliation, then said she never said that and was only going to MC for co-parenting. Not looking like this M is going to work out.
Coach and Greek have been helping a lot, but I would love to have your perspective as well. Thanks.
I think you were asked by another poster if you could move back into your home, but I can't remember how you responded to that. Just as a way of throwing some ideas around....what would happen if by the end of December you told her you could no longer afford to pay her and pay for the lease on your apartment....therefore you would be moving back into your house.
Since she was the one who did not want to remain in the M....she can find a place to live if she doesn't want to stay with you. That is giving her a two weeks notice....right? grin
That takes me back to the beginning. When she first brought up D she said she'd take the kids with. Back in February, when she was going through a real down stretch she talked about no one listening to her -- people at work, the kids, people at a theater group and me. She wanted me to move in with a friend until she could figure things out.
We decided to postpone things until end of school year, but I couldn't even make it that long.
Isn't the horse out of the barn. I've only somewhat toyed with the idea of saying I'd move back in. Financially, I can make it on my own. I have a second job in the winter and spring that help me get by. It's just that she's got a pretty sweet deal with the amount I'm giving her.
I still want to save the M. I've been trying the LRT method. Wouldn't moving back in just blow everything up? Tell me how moving back in might play out in the WAW's mind.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Tell me how moving back in might play out in the WAW's mind.
You mean outside of hating your guts? There is no easy solution that I can think of. You are not going to be on your W's good side, that's for sure! But, you need to either take the cold fact that you were the one who offered her that generous amount each month......and learn to live with it......or move back home and take her wrath.
As far as "helping" the M, at this point, moving back into the house isn't the magic formula, but I was thinking of how to do it if you "had" to go back. The point I was trying to make was not to look weak to her if you moved back home. It would be better for her to be raving mad at you rather than her to be disgusted thinking you were weak and crawling you way back in. If you have to go back.....do it like a strong man who is doing what he "wants" to do and not b/c he couldn't make it finacially and had no other choice. (I hope that makes sense.)
You see, to a WAW, she can get over being mad-- if you are an attractive, self-confident man. However, respecting a man who shows signs of weakness is not something that most women (IMHO)can overcome in a quick time. Respect is the main thing she must have for you at this time.
So, after saying all of that, my advice to you would be to take your lumps and live out of the home as best that you can. Hope I don't sound wishy-washy about that, but I guess I misunderstood and thought you didn't have much choice financially.
It may set you back as far as the MR is concerned if you moved back in with her right now....IDK. I usually support the idea of moving back home, but depends on the situation.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes. Sometimes I'm not as clear as I can be. I feel like I've screwed up so much in the first six months of the separation that it's going to be impossible to rally without a D.
I never should have moved out. I never should have offered so much while separated. I should have forced her hand.
When she was spotted at the county fair with another man and I -- weakly confronted her about it -- she said they were just friends but "what does it matter. I haven't changed my mind. We're getting divorced."
So yes, I'm stuck with my nice-guy choices and going back on them would look weak. It's better to just keep working, keep working, and show her I can make it under any circumstance.
The last one, the OM boundary, I've looked and looked and checked and checked and don't believe there's an active OM right now.
She did go out on a couple of occasions -- I don't know if it was alone or in groups -- with other men. A couple of months ago she googled an ex-boyfriend. Her texts and cell minutes are not out of line. As far as I can tell, she's replacing my affection with romance novels and "toys."
But how do I set that boundary? If she chooses to begin seeing other men while we are still married without a divorce filing then I'll save her the trouble and file.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Some people sees a S as freedom to date. As a LRT, if I were you, I would act like the WAH and beat her to the punch.....state going out on casual, fun, non-serious dates. As I said......it would be the LRT before filing. As long as she isn't the one doing the filing.......then I think she's hanging onto something in the M. Why not test it and see?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
